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How To Be A Perfect Muslim Parent

Being A Muslim Parent Is Tough

Parenting is such a difficult job. As a parent, I’m not quite sure if I’m doing things right or wrong. Sometimes I feel as if I’m super-Abu. And sometimes I feel as if I’m screwing my kids up for life.

Being a parent, no matter what religion you follow, requires a thick skin. You have to set your foot down. You have to be the bad guy. You have to scold, reprimand, and discipline.

Being a Muslim parent includes all of these things but in addition to this, we have to instill proper Islamic values that may be at odds with the predominant culture.

What’s the most important thing in a child’s life?

  • Money? Not really.
  • Food? Hopefully not.
  • Toys? Only for the first few days.

The most important thing in a child’s life is love. They want you to love them and they want to know that you love them.

Photo courtesy Hey Fajrul

So, if your child is the most important thing in your life, then you should make sure they get what’s the most important thing in their life…proof of your love. And this will show that you’re the perfect Muslim parent.

Here are a few things you can do to become the perfect Muslim parent.

Give Your Child Whatever They Want.

It doesn’t matter how expensive it is. It doesn’t matter if they deserve it or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s even beneficial.

If they want it, give it to them.

If they want the newest sneakers or the latest video game or a third or fourth helping at the dinner table, let them have it. There’s no better way to show your kids you love them than to cater to their every whim.

Never, Ever, Scold Them.

Your child hates it when you talk to them in a stern manner. It hurts their feelings. They might even think you don’t care.

So no matter what your child does, do not scold them or raise your voice or show any signs of displeasure whatsoever.

Instead reason with them. Negotiate with them. Try to understand why they’re doing naughty things. Perhaps if you understood the big picture, you’d realize whatever they’re doing isn’t so bad after all.

Don’t Force Your Religion On Them.

Everyone knows this is a deal breaker.

You can’t force your child to be Muslim. In this world of free choice and secular ideas, it’s best your child has an open-minded view towards religion.

So don’t make your child pray five times a day. Don’t teach them stories about Prophet Ibrahim or Prophet Isa (AS).

Don’t even teach them about the Quran and Hadith. They’ll figure it all out on their own.

Hopefully you’ll read these tips and really put them into action. They will most certainly help you become a perfect Muslim parent.

But remember, these tips are only if your child is the most important thing in your life.

If you are living for your child’s sake and the only thing you’re concerned about is what he or she thinks about you, then you should use these rules.

However, if Allah and His Messenger (pbuh) are most important in your life, than these tips are not going to do you any good. In fact, they may well send you to hell.

Therefore, if you’re interested in pleasing Allah and earning rewards for the next life, then you probably need to ignore those tips and read the following tips instead.

How To Be A Good Muslim Parent

Be Fair and Just and Moderate

We all love our children and we all want to do good things for them. But rewards are earned, not inherited.

If your child does something really good, or there’s a special occassion or something, it’s perfectly okay to buy gifts for them. Especially if:

  • They have actually earned it.
  • The gift is within your budget and isn’t too extravagant.
  • You get similar gifts for all of your children.

But just lavishing your kids with a bunch of expensive toys and gifts simply because you share the same genetic coding is foolish.

You should teach your kids to appreciate the simpler things in life.

Your child will become ungrateful and will not value hard work.

Photo courtesy aditza121

They will almost certainly become spoiled brats.

And as a Muslim, we should be moderate in everything even gift-giving. You should be neither very cheap nor very extravagant.

And of course, you should only spend within your means. So if you have to go into debt or whip out your credit card to buy your kids the newest video game system, then there might be a problem. There are better ideas to being being a good parent.

Discipline With Moderation

As mentioned above, moderation is key.

You will have to adjust your displinary actions to your personality and your child’s personality.

Resorting to the stick (or belt, or coat hanger, or extension cord) all the time is not going to help them or you.

The main problem with resorting to violence, besides the brutality of it all, is that it desensitizes both you and your child. Eventually they’ll get used to getting beaten, and you’ll get used to beating them.

Both of these are bad outcomes.

There are other ways to discipline Muslim children without smacking them around the room.

  • Scolding. Often a good talking-to is all that’s needed.
  • Punishments. Ground them. Make them work. Take away their toys, cell phones, video games, etc.
  • Reality check. Show them the bad consequences of their actions. For example, if they don’t do their homework, show them the wonderful career they can expect with an 8th grade education.

Besides, yelling and screaming doesn’t always bring the best results.

I’m not saying you should never spank your child. I know it isn’t popular these days, especially in Western culture. Depending on your child and your situation, it may be necessary.

But it should always be the last option. It should not be excessive, arbitrary, nor abusive. And you should never hit them in the face as that is forbidden in Islam.

The Messenger of Allah (pbuh), prohibited us from hitting or branding in the face.
Sahih Muslim.

In this hadith, the Prophet (pbuh) was specifically talking about a donkey. So of course, this ruling would also apply to humans.

Force Your Children to Be Muslim

Yes, I said it.

Force Islam on your children.

For about 14 years, you have almost complete power over your child. You need to take this time to drill Islam into their lives.

Now, I don’t mean be cruel. That’s not going to accomplish anything by trying to beat Islam into their brains.

But for while they live in your household and they have to obey your rules, make sure your rules are based on Islam.  Your parenting should be based on the Quran and Sunnah.

Photo courtesy Shazron

And this has to start at a young age. You can’t expect your child to live like a heathen for 14 years, and then when they turn 15 suddenly expect them to be perfect Muslims.

It’s not going to work.

Introduce prayer at an early age.

Command your children to perform Salat (prayer) when they are seven years old, and beat them for (not offering) it when they are ten.
Abu Dawud.

Introduce fasting at an early age.

We used to make toys out of wool and took (them to the mosque) along with us. When they (the children) asked us for food, we gave them these toys to play with, and these made them forgetful till they completed their fast.
Sahih Muslim.

Introduce Quran at an early age.

Kids can learn to read Arabic very early and their memories are extremely receptive. You’d be amazed at how much a child can absorb with just a short, daily Quran lesson. You don’t want your child to turn 15 years of age and can barely recite Surah Al-Fatihah.

Will any of this make you the perfect Muslim parent? Probably not. Even some of the Prophets had rebellious children, like Prophet Noah’s (AS) son. You can’t control your child forever.

But for that time that you can control them, take the opportunity to give them the best Islamic upbringing you can.

 

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13 Responses to How To Be A Perfect Muslim Parent

  1. SubhanAllah..May Allah help us with this..I myself is practising hijaab and sometimes it is difficult when people around you discourage about this…bt this is the Jihaad i love going for…May Allah help us in walking on a right path,..aameen.

    • Yes, this is the struggle.

      It’s very easy to do the right thing when everyone else is doing the right thing. That’s why it’s very important to surround ourselves with righteous people and avoid those who encourage us towards disobedience.

      May Allah give us all the strength to do what is right, Ameen.

  2. I wish my parents read this…… In my family what my dad says, thats what has to happen, otherwise things turn ugly :s….. Nice article, if I ever get married will try to do as the articles describes.. :)

    • Mashallah, Anjuman. Yeah, sometimes fathers can be a little heavy handed. I had to learn myself that yelling and screaming is not the best way to raise a happy family. But you should take it easy on your father; most likely that’s the way he was raised also.

  3. Mashaallah, very good article and i would like to share this with my friends, especialy married friends. Meanwhile I am always dreaming to livd in muslim way of life during my childhood time and want my parent treat me nice, not the harsh and beaten type. One thing is important is parent also must behave and act as good muslim at home and show good example to their kids. Otherwise, the kids will complaining what you did and why u ask them doing but your not doing it. I say this from my experience. Jazakallahhu khair.

  4. “I’m not saying you should never spank your child. I know it isn’t popular these days, especially in Western culture. Depending on your child and your situation, it may be necessary.

    But it should always be the last option. It should not be excessive, arbitrary, nor abusive. And you should never hit them in the face as that is forbidden in Islam.”

    Your anecdotes and intuition on the beneficial affects of child abuse are of no value to any parent. However, scientific studies conducted on thousands of victims of childhood verbal and physical abuse are of great value.

    Why is hitting in the face forbidden in Islam? Why the emphasis on not making a mark? An external mark is no measurement of the severity of the injury, so it is not forbidden to prevent serious injury. No, it is clearly a strategy to avoid outside knowledge of one’s barbaric and disgusting behaviour; this commandment protects the parents and not the children.

    I found the following quote used to justify child abuse on muslimmatters.org:

    “The gift of forgetfulness (nisyaan) from Allāh, that wipes out your early mistakes from your children’s memories:”

    In neuroscience it is called brain damage. Child abuse, be it verbal or physical, causes damage to the hippocampus (short and long-term memory) and the amygdala (processing of memory and emotional reactions). This means that children who score high on the Adverse Childhood Experiences test often a) can’t remember large portions of their early childhood and b) find it difficult to regulate their emotions.

    80-90% of parents are still hitting their children from as early as one year old. While they may use euphemisms, such as “spank” and “smack”, to hide their shame, their purpose is behavioural correction through fear and pain; the punishment has to be severe enough for the child to stop whatever it is the parent doesn’t like.

    All studies on victims of child abuse find the victims, in adult life, far more prone to mental illness, addictions and substance abuse, and premature death. That’s right, you harm your child, you curse their life until death.

    That some are lucky enough to escape abusive childhoods with no damage is no more an argument for childhood abuse than the fact that some escape car crashes is an argument for dangerous driving. If I were seen in a car park, physically abusing my elderly father for forgetting where he parked the car, there would be outrage from onlookers; I could be arrested. However, when a mother shouts at and hits her child in a shopping centre, some actually applaud this disgusting behaviour.

  5. don’t beat your children.your just teaching your child that your a bully there are other ways to teach your child to learn Quran.that is child abuse http://www.muslimtoysanddolls.com is the largest Islamic doll seller in the world.we sell 750 different Islamic dolls and over 200 Islamic doll outfits with hijab.we sell dolls that recite the alfatiha,morning prayers,night prayers,Islamic nursery rhymes,love song to mother,walking dolls and more.they are wearing modest clothing with hijab.we sell western modest clothing with hijab,Indonesian modest clothing with hijab,satin prayer outfits with prayer beads,wedding outfits,haj outfits and much more.we are a charity site so please shop here and get great Islamic gifts over 2,700 products,and help your brothers and sisters.I was interviewed by the united state department about my charity work with Muslims and they wrote an article and published it on their website america.gov two years ago.the American Muslim Journal did a full page article on my charity work with Muslims.I am the official sponsor of the national eid toy drive.feeamaniallah,Aunty Debbie Al-Harbi CEO

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