Is Divorce Looming?
For better or for worse, I get a lot of emails from Muslims regarding relationships. I try to answer them as best I can, but I know it’s impossible to save a marriage through a little advice in an email.
However, this experience has given me a unique insight into what makes a Muslim marriage work. I don’t say I have all the answers; but I do have some of them.
Furthermore, I’ve been married myself for many years and have been through many ups and downs. In addition to this, I also worked with a local Muslim marriage counselor to create a series of videos on how Muslims can improve their marriage.
With all this information, I think it’s important to help you learn what clues to look for to see if your marriage is on the rocks. Quite frankly, if your marriage is in trouble, you probably already know it.
But just in case you’re in denial, hopefully this list will help you know there’s trouble looming. Inshallah, you may be able to make some changes to save your marriage and keep your family together.
1. You’re Contemplating Divorce
Seems like a no-brainer, right?
But most people that I know who are divorced, were thinking about it for a long time before it happened. These people would make dua Istikhaarah about it, talk to their sheikh about it, and get advice from their friends about it.
So if you’ve got divorce on your mind, then there’s a good chance you’re gonna be divorced within a year or so. At least, that’s what I believe based on my experience.
And if you’re not really looking for divorce, you may want to check out what your spouse is doing. If he or she is looking up the Islamic rules of divorce or watching video lectures about divorce, then it stands to reason they’re thinking about it too.
If you don’t want to get divorced, then the first thing you need to do is to stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about it.
And if your spouse is the one thinking about, then do your best to make sure he or she knows what they’re going to miss if they get divorced.
Brothers, I would suggest you read this article I wrote about the things your Muslim wife won’t tell you.
And Sisters, please read this article about the things your Muslim husband won’t tell you.
2. No Communication
If you and your spouse are not talking to each other, if conversations are rare, and if there’s no laughter, then your marriage is certainly in trouble.
Your wife or husband is the person you chose to live your life with. Do you really want to live your life in silence?
Without healthy communication, your marriage has little chance of being happy. And most unhappy marriages end in divorce.
How can you overcome this problem? Just talking to someone who doesn’t want to talk to you is pointless. If you pretend there’s no problem and just mindlessly chat with your silent spouse is if nothing’s wrong, you’re only going to make yourself look and feel stupid.
Respect the fact that there’s an issue. However, you should still try to be the best husband or wife you can be. As they say in customer service, “Kill ‘em with kindness.”
Be nice and kind and respectful with your spouse. If there’s still love between you, Inshallah the ice will thaw and the communication will begin again.
3. Lots Of Arguing
The only thing worse than no communication is the wrong communication.
If the primary form of communication between you and your spouse is yelling and screaming, then it’s a good bet you’re gonna be single soon.
All couples argue. That’s a part of married life.
However, when the arguments become ugly, persistent, and steadily increase in intensity, this is a serious red flag.
There are many reasons why this can happen but I generally believe it boils to down to two things:
- The husband feels the wife does not respect him.
- The wife feels the husband does not love her.
If you are arguing too much with your spouse, then you need to work on yourself first. Don’t wait for your spouse to change. Do your part immediately to raise your level of love and respect for your spouse.
4. No Intimacy
This is not always a sure shot. Some couples are just not as frisky as others. It may be due to sickness or age or just personality.
But all things being equal, it’s hard to be intimate with someone you don’t like. If you’re not happy with your spouse, then it’s safe to say you’re not going to want to kiss or hug or do anything else with them.
If you’re noticing a severe change in intimacy with your spouse, you shouldn’t suddenly assume you’re headed for divorce. Instead, try to discover why this is happening.
It may be your spouse if dealing with stress or problems outside the home.
It may also be that they’re losing interest.
If this is the case, you might want to think about shaking things up a little bit. Perhaps your spouse is tired of the same old thing.
This is not the place to talk about how to spice up your love life. I would suggest you look at these two products for advice on that:
- Sex In Islam
- an e-book that is available from Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com.
- Rekindle The Flame – a video course I created with a local Muslim marriage counselor (this is a better deal as you also get the book for free).
5. You Don’t Like Being Around Each Other
If you don’t like being around your spouse much, then you probably won’t be around them much longer.
Western society pokes fun at marriage as being something dreary and boring. Even comedy sitcoms often depict a goofy, hen-pecked husband and a stressed out, nagging wife.
But there’s no reason your marriage has to be like that.
You and your spouse have to spend time with each other. You have to make a way, somehow or another, to spend a little time together. And I don’t just mean in the bedroom.
I know it can be difficult in today’s society. Throw in the fact you and your spouse might not be on the best of terms and it’s darn near impossible to spend time with them.
So if you’re worried about saving your marriage from the dumps, make time to spend time together. This is one of the best and most practical suggestions I can offer.
6. Islam Has Gone Out The Window
One of the best things a Muslim couple can do to protect their marriage is to fear Allah. Remembering that you will ultimately meet with Allah and have to answer for everything you’ve done and said should stop a lot of foolishness.
But sometimes that isn’t enough.
Very often a husband or wife knows that what they’re doing is wrong yet they continue to do it. Why?
Emotions.
People get angry and upset and resentful and vengeful and nothing else matters except getting even. Islam goes out the window.
If you find yourself thinking of ways to hurt or anger or “get even” with your spouse, then rest assured, your marriage is in trouble.
7. Other People Are Concerned
If you get too many inquiries such as:
How are things going with you two?
Did you guys work that thing out?
I know a good single brother/sister if you’re interested.
Every now and then we all get a surprise divorce announcement and think something like: “They were so much in love. They seemed perfect for each other.”
However, most of the time, your friends and family will know when there’s trouble. And most of the time, they will offer their own subtle (and not so subtle) advice.
I would always suggest you keep your home business in your home. You don’t want or need the entire Masjid whispering about your marriage problems behind your back.
But if you start hearing these kinds of statements, and you’re not sure why, it may be time to do some investigating.
Final Reminder To Muslims
Before wrapping this up, I’d like to remind you of something.
Divorce is generally, not a good thing. It’s definitely a negative in society. But it has its purpose.
Sometimes two people just can’t get along and all the roses and Quran verses in the world can’t help.
There’s a common saying among Muslims that a divorce shakes Allah’s throne. However, this is not an authentic hadith.
Nonetheless, husbands must always strive to treat their wife with kindness and overlook their faults as Allah said:
And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.
Chapter 4, verse 19
And wives must remember to always obey their husbands and treat them with respect as Allah has said:
So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in what Allah would have them guard.
Chapter 4, verse 34
I know you’ve heard it before but it’s still the best marital advice in the world.
Nice article Br. Abu Ibrahim. I would like to add one more…you and your spouse are going in opposite directions spiritually.
Seriously, if you’re trying to become more religious and your wife/husband is trying to become more unreligious, it isn’t hard to see that this union won’t last much longer. Inshallah, I hope Muslims take these lessons to heart.
How To Love A Muslim Man
Assalam.allekum shout out from kenya nice stuff thanx brother in islam.
Wa Alaikum Salaam,
I’ve met some very good (and interesting) Muslims from Kenya. Thank you for the compliments and keep coming back, Inshallah.
[...] Divorce [...]
I’ve been suffering with my Muslim man for years. I am white. I don’t drink ever smoke or go to clubs. He still has no respect for my feelings body or decisions. He respects his male family members and make friends but not me. He’s allowed his friends to talk disrespect about me inferring of me without really caring. I’ve also read things he and his friends wrote regarding to me and it didn’t sound like someone they really respected.he’s raised a stool at me while I was pregnant with his child, called me lazy to me and his friends when I was pregnant and feeling nausea so I slept a lot. Had absolutely no understanding on what I was going through nor did he care really to try and find out. Thing I want to know is why does he gave respect for his male friends and family but not me? Am I disgusting because I’m a woman or white? I don’t cheat, don’t drink out go out so why? I’ve actually worked to pay our rent and food for a year and he still had no job just little things here and there. And I’m lazy? While I’m pregnant? Egger does his respect for his male friends and family come from? And why don’t I deserve it?
Hello Varshana,
I’m sorry you’re experiencing such troubles with your husband. It doesn’t matter what faith or ethnicity your husband is; he should respect you and treat you well. Allah has commanded us to treat our wives kindly and we should be kind to all people, no matter their faith.
If your husband is really treating you badly and you are not interested in remaining with him, then you may want to seek a divorce. Perhaps you can go seek some counseling or have a Muslim shaikh or Imam speak to him and advice him to do what is right. But i that is not an option, it may be time for you to go your separate ways.
May Allah give you what is best.
Varshana, If your husband does not respect you, then your relationship is likely not going to work. You can’t ask a man – your husband to respect you, it doesn’t work like that, it should be automatic ( I know you didn’t write that you’d asked him to, but I hope you understand what I’m writing). Your husband is meant to be leading, protecting and providing; by the little you wrote, he’s doing none of these. Good luck.
aS
As Salaamu Alaikum,
I have a question and need suitable advice, Insha’Allah. if a sister is married and then her husband tells her that he must release her, so that he can take care of his wife that he’s legally married to because she’s ill. should she ask for a kula? or is it even permissible for the husband to help the wife he’s legally married to if their not married Islamically?
assalamalaikum.im marraied for about two years now and also converted to islam ,but my husband is muslim.i want to ask an advice to someone.my husband is divorced before , .the thing is really his very sweet and caring to me.even he is responsible son to his family.the only thing that sometimes we fight because of his going to bars drinking alcohol with his friend.sometimes looking to others lady when we are in the malls.he having ladies friend but for me im not allow to have any guy friend.this is the reasons of our fighting and sometimes its coming on our both tounge is better to divorce….I dont know if i dont have the right to feel jealous with her friend or sometime i saw a sexy photos of lady in wearing sexy dresses he took in internet.please can you give me some tips to save our relationships.Thank you.
Wa Alaikum Salaam,
First, your husband needs to stop drinking. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said that alcohol is the key to all evil. I would suggest you draw a line there and insist he stop as that is just going to bring evil into your house.
insha allah.but the problem he promised already that he will stop but sometimes still they drinking.but im always praying for him….thats why sometimes when im saying i dont like your friend because he is bad influence start of mis understanding..
Asslam alaikum brothers and sisters. I was going through this thread and could not stop myself from writing after reading Varshana and Aruverin’ s problems. I empathize with both of you maybe because I have undergone a very troubled marriage and I want to help people who are undergoing similar pain and misery.
Varshana, first of all its really appreciable that you don’t drink and is not involved into evil activities. You have to try out every possible way before you give up. If your husband is insensitive to you, either speak directly to him or get yourself someone who both of you is comfortable talking to and who will help you. Identify a person who is trustworthy and really want you both to have a happy marriage. Talk openly what all your concerns are. Dont be aggressive or portray yourself as a victim. Try to understand why your husband is doing so- Is he intentionally doing it to get away from you or he just does not understand. An open communication will help you understand your relationship better. If he complains you not to be a good wife- ask him what you can do for him to be a better wife. Gain his trust and love. If he is good man and understands your respect and commitment to save your marriage, he will definitely respond to you. If he does not, then I think you know the answer.
Separation should always be considered the last choice. Even Allah does not want this. He has created this universe with so much love and He despises everything against it. Marriage is an institution where you invest love, trust and respect. The more you invest, the more you get.
Aruverin, I also want to say the same thing to you. You have to understand what your husband thinks and feels. Why is he doing so? Does he really wants to run away from you or maybe you have not been able to invest in this relationship to the fullest. Question yourself first then your partner. I am sure you will be able to find an answer.
With internet and mobile phones it is very easy to get distracted from a serious relationship like marriage but faith and love for the partner overcomes that. Allah tests us all. Have faith in Him. Pray to Him and ask Him to give the best to you. We dont know what He has stored for us. These temporary pains distracts us from the greater reward He has kept aside in store for us.
Have faith!!
Please let me know if I can ever hep you. Keep believing!!
hi aisha,
thank you so much for your response.but im really sad again yesterday my husband is drunken.and this is not only reason why im sad i dont know if i trust him or no because this drinking in the bar he already promise that will not happen but he said birthday of his friend that why they drink.the other thing is when i check his phone i saw a lady sending messages to him but when i asked him regarding this lady he said that one of his friend used his phone but he save the number this is one thing.and there is also i found a ring on his pocket he said that one of the lady in the bar selling this things in secret…
and at the end im mistaken because he said why i checked the phone it means im not trusting him.the thing is he said they going to eat but when he went home is drunken…we fight because of this….
i said to him im saying this that this alcohol is not good for you because its harm your body,and instead he is the one who guide me in islam because im converted muslim..
please give me an advice what can i do.
Sister Aruverin,
Assalam Alaikum. I am sorry for replying late. I feel very sad for you. I empathise with you but what what Abu Ibrahim has replied is absolutely correct. Alcohol brings evil. Your husband has to stop drinking and stop bringing all the evil to your house. He has to draw a line. I suggest you to be strong and take a stand for yourself. Don’t be afraid of anything and be very firm in your statements. Tell your husband, its enough and he has to stop. The drinking and the illicit things he has got himself into will not only harm him but is bringing curse and shame to the family most important Allah doesnt like all this. Emphasize on the religion and the principles and make him feel guilty of what he has been doing. All this while when you talk to him, please do maintain your calm. Your anger should not overpower the good things you will be talking. Make him realise that he is sinful and it will bring him nothign but wrath of Allah for doing this to himself and to you. You should take the help of your parents and his. Tell them how he has been behaving and you expect them to cooperate with you. He will be forced to listen to the elders. Make sure you protect yourself and he does not get into misbehaving and abusing with you. Sis, I would like to know if you are financially dependent on your husband and if you are having kids. Please dont mind. But if things go worse and do not seem to improve, you know what you have to do. May Allah be with you. I will pray for you Inshallah. Please keep the faith. May Allah protect you and guide you, Inshallah
Regards,
Aisha
Assalamualaikum,
Thank you for the advice. This is so encouraging & meaningful. I just love the last two verses. Yes, the quran & the hadith have always remain to be my guide.
Thank you for your constant reminder & advice, brother.
Wa Alaikum Salaam,
Alhamdulillah Sister Nora. May Allah reward you.
Great advice, thanks.
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Assalamo alaikom. I am married for 2 years, and we have one child together. Recently I was blessed with a second, but suddenly my husband became an ugly threatening person. I had angered him, betrayed him by ‘not understanding him’ and many other hurtful insults. I, too became emotional because he demanded, commanded, and made one final, stern request that I must abort the child or he would leave all 3 of us. Divorce! we have always struggled, across emotional differences, cultural, then polygamy, but I could not see how or where this selfish, mean person got away with destroying my life, conceived in what i thought was love. i am confused and ashamed by all this. i do not understand the point of hitting or hurting a woman, and i am fearful. but when i think of the child and opportunities to be a mother some of that senseless hurt goes away. religious incompatibililty is big, but you need to be on the same page for emergencies like our birth control accident. or, women, be smart and be prepared. i worry a lot about my children’s future. but less when i think of how they will be more stable when they are NOT exposed to their mother being hit or humiliated. there were many examples of strong muslim single mothers who raised strong, educated muslim children–yes, sons. look for Allah SWT’s gifts in your life, no matter where you stand on the path of life. worship and give thanks. and don’t give up, for He doesn’t give up on you. i am not sure what my husband wanted. he was never clear, sulked, blamed, and ran away to the other wife as ‘resolution’. punishing behaviors are not resolution. be sure to do what is right in Allah’s eyes first. That is who really matters to you.
I am facing all the problems mentioned in the article. My husband really loves me and wants to stay in the marriage but I just can’t seem to love him at all. We actually are in a long distance relationship and we meet over the weekends for a day at my in-laws. i now have an option of letting him stay at my hostel, but there was a time when he was not interested in staying in the hostel because his parents house was jsut an hour’s drive from my hostel. Moreover, his parents also believed that we should stay with them over the weekends. I have been married for more than a year and things started falling apart just 3-4 months after marriage. Now both his parents and himslef have realized that we need our space over the weekends, but I can’t bear the sight of him because it brings back the memories of the times when he didnt want to stay away from his parents.
He also never took a stand for me, though always used to assure me that he is with me. We are totally opposite poles. He is a cool- headed person and very laid-back.
I want to divorce him, but my mother is hell-bent of keeping me in this marriage even if I am not happy, because she is scared about what the society will say. Not even a single day goes by where I dont cry. I hate it when he even touches me.
I have also stopped praying for the past 3 months, though i know its a very huge sin.
Please advice me what I should do.