What’s Going On Under the Hijab?
Last week I wrote an article entitled “7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You.” I thought I was gonna get a lot of complaints about that one, but so far, everyone seems to enjoy it.
Well, if the last article didn’t upset you, perhaps this one will. Actually, I don’t want to upset you. But I do want you to think about things that may not normally cross your mind.
Most men have a hard time understanding women. Even a woman they’ve been married to for years.
One minute she’s perfectly fine. The next, she’s crying like a baby.
She complains about something but when we offer advice on how to fix it, she still isn’t satisfied.
After several years of marriage (and counselling) I’ve learned to not worry so much about what my wife says. Instead, I should worry about what she doesn’t say.
Photo courtesy DIZA
With this information in mind, I’ve put together a quick list of things Muslim men should be aware of when it comes to their wife’s mind.
1. Above All, She Wants Your Love
This harkens back to a post I wrote a couple of months ago called “Love or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?”
In this article I explained that men desire respect from their wives, and women desire love from their husbands.
When a wife shows her husband less respect, he in turn shows her less love.
And when a husband shows his wife less love, she in turn shows him less respect.
And the vicious cycle repeats itself.
Stop this prophecy before it becomes self-fulfilling. Show love to your wife.
That’s what she wants. Love her despite her flaws and quirks.
And Inshallah, she’ll respect you despite your flaws and quirks.
>>Here’s What My Wife Did To Make Me Fall In Love With Her Again<<
2. She’s Bored
It’s the same thing every day.
Week in and week out.
Not only is she bored but she’s also tired.
She has to care for the kids and run the household and then pamper you.
Just thinking about doing that every day makes me want to crawl under my covers and hide. I can imagine how the average Muslim housewife must feel.
And let’s not forget about working woman. Many Muslim women have to work a full time job as well as hold a house down.
So brothers, I implore you, make your wife feel special. Give her a break.
Take her out sometimes. Surprise her with a surprise meal. Bring her favorite desert home.
Just do something every now and then to break the monotany.
3. She Wants to Be Complimented
Appreciation.
Everybody wants it.
No one wants to feel as if the hard work they do goes unnoticed or even worse, it taken for granted.
Your wife does not have to clean your dirty clothes. And she does not have to cook your meals.
But she does.
And she does that on top of all the other things in her life:
- Working or going to school.
- Caring for the kids.
- Striving to be a better Muslimah.
Show your Muslim wife that you appreciate and are thankful for the things she does to maintain you and your family.
A simple “thank you” is a good start.
4. She’s Insanely Jealous
There’s a reason most women don’t care for polygamy.
Be very careful how you talk about other women around your wife.
I mentioned this in my book “Sex and Islam.” Don’t ever compare your wife to another woman.
- Don’t compare her to some female movie star.
- Don’t compare her to your mother.
- Never, ever compare her to your ex-wife (or other wife!)
She’s wants to know and believe that she is the center of your universe. So make her feel that way.
Even the Prophet’s (pbuh) wives got jealous. Aisha (RA) even got jealous of Khadijah (RA) who was dead.
Expect, and respect, the same type of jealousy from your wife.
5. She Wants You to Help Her Become A Better Muslimah
If you haven’t seen it yet, I encourage you to watch this video I did a couple of weeks ago for Muslim men. In this video I stress the importance of men taking the role of leader within their families.
And that’s the problem with a lot of Muslim men these days.
Not only are they not being good leaders, they’re being led by their wives (or mothers, or other women in their lives).
Your wife desires and wants you to be her leader. And what better way to lead her than to be show her how to be a better Muslimah?
But you can’t show her how to become better if you’re not that great either. Therefore, you have to upgrade your Iman. You have to improve yourself and then pass it on to her in a gentle, respectful way.
6. She Doesn’t Like to Nag, But Sometimes You Make It Hard
It’s a common myth that women like to nag their husbands. That’s not entirely true.
Yes, there are some people (men and women) whom you can never please. No matter what you do, they’ll always find fault in something. Let’s be reminded of the following hadith:
Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas: The Prophet said: “I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful.” It was asked, “Do they disbelieve in Allah?” (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, “They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, ‘I have never received any good from you.”
Sahih Bukhari
So, yes sisters should be careful about denegrating the things your husband does for you.
But very often, you Brother, make it hard for her to hold your tongue.
Perhaps you’re always finding fault with her and she looks for things in your character to get even.
Perhaps you’re not working (or not working hard enough) and she has to work to take up some slack.
Perhaps you’re just not that great of a guy.
Once again, upgrade yourself and give her less reasons to complain and nag.
7. More Than Anything, She Wants a Stable, Happy Relationship With You
Women don’t get married just because they think it’s gonna be fun.
They get married because they want a happy family life and they believe you’re gonna give it to them.
Outside of her religious duties, that’s the most important thing in a Muslim woman’s life. Raising a happy, stable, Muslim family.
The funny thing is, it’s very easy for you to give that to her.
- Stop acting like a jerk. Be a good husband to her. Be kind. Show her you love her.
- Don’t threaten her with divorce or taking a second wife. Yes, you have the right to do both. But using them as threats is inappropriate and detrimental to your marriage.
- Trust in Allah, watch out for the tricks of Shaytan, and be patient with her. There’s nothing Shaytan would love more than to destroy your marriage.
See? That isn’t all that hard, now is it?
Alhamdulillah, good info. Any ideas on how to start a covnersation with my wife? Not just about kids and stuff. But other things.
Salaams, Uthman. A good way to start a conversation with your wife (or anyone else for that matter) is to find out what they’re interested in and talk about it. Most people like to talk about themselves. So be different; get her to talk about what she likes. As the conversation progresses, you can also throw in a few things you like to talk about.
Simply put, make it all about them.
Maybe try and do something new together, offer something like doing a puzzle, or going for a bike ride? Do something that even if you only spend 10 minutes a day doing it together (due to not enough time in a day) by the end you both have accomplished it TOGETHER. You’ll be suprised it will make you laugh together and you’ll feel great knowing you’ve accomplished it together!
Also try to ask open ended questions e.g.
“so how did you feel about that guys comment?”
This encourages your partner to express his or her feelings and also allows you to learn a little bit more about your partner.
Yep, that’s a good idea, Dude. Open ended questions encourage more conversation.
Nice!
Thanks for inspiration..
I permit to share it,, please? Thanks
Be my guest.
Women are often portrayed as property but it’s nice to read a balanced view. Thank you! Good one and I suppose us men ought really to try and be a little more in tune with emotions!
Yes, you are right about the treatment of women. It usually occurs to men how valuable their wives are when they lose them or are about to lose them.
Ditto on the emotions part. I think I’m in tune with my emotions, but I’m not one to show them!
assa.w.w AKHI I need advice and is my first time on this webb , is there telf or direct email to contact you?
please reply
Wa Alaikum Salaam Br. Abu Abdullah,
You can contact me via the Contact page on this website. It goes straight to my personal email.
Asalamu Alakum, the comments i read are the nicest i’ve ever heard guys say. Most of the time muslim men tend to take advantage about being allowed to have more than one wife. Sometimes they even try saying that their wife “MUST” cook, clean and stay home. You guys will make great husbands. Mashallah
My wife has all the freedom , Islam has allowed her , she doesn’t cook nor do any household work , neither take care of the children , everything is done by paid help, and i am very romantic , loving and caring type , but she made a monster out me after 12 years of our marriage , not only women need appreciation also men need it too.
Thanks. its as if you were in my head.jazakalahu kairan.but i have a question to ask?am not yet married but two people are interested.the one i love doesnt make me feel closer to Allah but he knows the quran and hadith the other one i like and he is teaching me the quran but i dont want to marry him am i making the wrong decision
As-Salaamu Alaikum Ize,
May Allah make it easy for you. This is not an easy question you lay upon me.
The primary reason you should marry a Muslim is for his piety. I don’t know everything about these two brothers, but if one is definitely more pious or a better Muslim than the other, than perhaps you should go for that one.
But if they’re both the same in piety, as far as you can tell, then maybe you should marry the one that you are more attracted to.
If you do not like the one teaching you Quran, then there isn’t much question at this time. Why marry someone you’re not attracted to?
But if the one you do like has moral issues, then you should think with your head and not with your heart.
Also, talk to other people who may know these brothers better. Perhaps they see something (good or bad) in them that you do not see. Consult with your father/brother/wali about it and get them involved. It is their responsibility to try to make these things easier for you.
Take a few minutes to watch this short video I made called “5 Habits You Want In A Husband.” Perhaps it will help you answer some of your questions, Inshallah.
And Allah knows best. May Allah make it easy for you, Ameen.
Form my experience My husband leaves so much open for me to see, an compares me readily to his mother an others an gearally down grades my family in my face. i have tried so Readily to be good truthful soft spoken quite i have avaniced my stuides all matters of things to better my self, even open comuincation with him in a peaceful manner. At best i feel as if i am the one failing an a total loser. Mostly i reach the point of wondering why i was born notthing i can ever do will please him or make things better. i Give up. Even when he reassures me an i feel comforted everting go back to normal. Faithful woman are not wanted any more. love has died that God has made.
I am truly sorry to hear this. Please contact me via the contact link below if you want to discuss this further. I don’t know enough about your situation to offer sound advice here.
I am a young unmarried muslim.Do we need to pamper our wives before they do their responsibility.?
No Hamza you don’t have to pamper your wives for them to do their responsibilities (not sure what you consider “their responsibilities”). A Muslim wife is obliged to obey Allah and His Messenger (pbuh). After that, she has to obey her husband in all things halal. And she must also strive to raise good children. But you don’t have to pamper her to do these things; she should be willing to do them for the sake of Allah.
That being said, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) did say the best of us are those who are kind to their wives. So I would suggest you pamper your wife as much as you can within your means. You’ll find it creates a happier home and a more satisfying marriage.
And Allah knows best.
Assalam Alaikum, I am 27 year old Male, From Pakistan,I wish to getting married, Like to getting married , but many obstacles, I am from Rich family, been to 16 countries, studied from Malaysia, now studying in Srilanka, I am having hot blood in term if sex, sins may times, my parents not agree to help me getting married, as I have no personal income.
Wa Alaikum Salaam Br. Naveed,
Yes, at 27 years old, you certainly do need to get married. It would be very difficult to maintain your chastity after so many years, especially since you come from a wealthy family and many haraam things are more readily available to you.
If you parents will not help you get married, why not just get married on your own? You say you do not have any personal income, but you’ve traveled and studied quite a bit. Surely by now, you have the knowledge, education, and know-how to get a job on your own or start a business of your own.
You seem to be in a difficult situation but at the same time, some of it is of your own making. You are a grown man and you should be ready to move out from under your parents’ shadow. Get a job or start a business and when you have some money coming in, go on and get married. Ask the members of your family who are willing to help you or ask your friends to find you a good Muslim wife.
Don’t worry about her background whether she is rich or poor or from a wealthy family. If she is a good Muslim woman who wants to please Allah, that is the most important thing.
But first, you have to make up your mind to become your own man. In time Inshallah, your parents will see that you did the best thing and will eventually support you.
8. If she cheats on you…
Ah, thought I’d state an 8th ‘The Obvious’. I mean, a man who is not aware of those 7 things you’ve mentioned might aswell grow himself 2 horns and start mooing… or whatever sound the sheep makes.
The gap that exists today between alot of Muslim couples is to be blamed not on Islam itself or its traditions but rather on our own traditions that are irrelevant to Islamic teachings. The Prophet (SAW) used to race with Khadijah (I’m not sure if it was Khadijah or one of his other wives) on foot. Now tell me, would your ‘manhood’ and ‘ego’ allow you nowadays to even think of doing such a thing?
This is coming from an Egyptian who’s barely 18 and doesn’t look forward to the day he gets married because of the ‘Takhaluf’ we are in.
Oh boy.
Another teenager who thinks they know it all. You have less than two decades of life and already you’ve got all the answers.
That’s it, huh? So all Muslims have to do is get rid of all traditions that can not be traced to the Prophet and we’ll never have problems or strife or divorces in Islam?
I guess I would have to agree with you except…
I can go on, but I’ll stop here. As you can see from the above hadiths, even those Muslims who lived during the time of Prophet Muhammad, knew him personally, and had him (pbuh) in their presence to go to for advice, still had problems in their marriages and still got divorced.
Stop acting like a know-it-all and understand that life and relationships and people are more complex than simple platitudes. People are people and we will always have problems. Even devout Muslims who strive to please Allah still have marriage problems.
And on the flip side, there are pure atheists that don’t even believe in Allah, who have great marriages.
There are no simple rules to having a great marriage. It takes work and commitment from both parties.
Undermining a “teenager”‘s opinion is all that is needed to prove that you’re one of those people that are still held back by ‘Mutakhalef’ traditions and ideas.
And I never said that, one must delete all his traditions that do not trace back to the Prophet or Islam and follow only those that do in order to have a happy marriage nor had I mentioned anything about disputes between a husband and his wife and how they should not exist within an Islamic couple. All I said was, that the fact that alot of Muslim couples, specifically from the Arabian Gulf and South-Asia, are having trouble communicating and connecting, and therefore more disputes, with each other is to be attributed to their national traditions and Idealogies rather than the traditions of Islam itself. And the reason I stated that is because the Western Media aswell as many failed Muslim couples blame, or in the case of Muslim couples “excuse” their failure on/with Islam and its teachings.
But then again, fights between a Husband and his Wife could be Healthy ONLY if they are dealt with correctly.
So, please. Before you go on accusing me of ‘arrogance’ and having a ‘know-it-all’ attitude, try to understand what I’m trying to say or atleast try to understand from it more than the fact that I, somehow, am against you or crititzing your thread. You never know, I might turn out to know way more about relationships than you do, despite my Age and the fact that I never got MARRIED.
Dude, I’m American. African-American at that. What “traditions” and “ideas” am I holding on to? Be for real.
No, that’s not what you said. This is what you said:
There’s a big difference in tone from your original statement and your ‘edited’ second statement. In your original statement, you blame the “gap” between “alot of Muslim couples” (sic) is because they are holding on to traditions that have nothing to do, or are “irrelevant to Islamic teachings.”
Whatever. If you wanted to give your opinion, you should have done so without coming off arrogant (and you still sound the same way in this comment) or saying condescending, ignorant statements.
By the way, there’s no hadith stating the Prophet (pbuh) raced with Khadijah (RA). Khadijah was 15 years older than he was. She was 40 when they got married and in her 60′s when she died. There is no way they would have been racing.
He raced with Aisha (RA). If you’re gonna act like you know it all, at least…know what you’re talking about.
Maybe one day you will, and I hope you do. But right now? I seriously doubt it. The way you are talking and cursing on this website during the month of Ramadan doesn’t bode too well for you.
salaam brother….
I am in this situation where i like a non muslimah…she is not a jew or christian but a hindu….i want to teach her about islam and to make her see the correct path and then marry her if she becomes a muslimah….. Will this course of action be correct ?? Should i leave her right now cuz she is a non muslimah or wait and see whether she accepts islam ?? I am confused….i like her as in i like her character and knowledge and beauty…we havnt done anything haraam …. We are merely in speaking terms though she is ready to take things to a next level…but i, being a muslim, am not…. Ur help needed asap .. ///
Wa Alaikum Salaam Br. Aanif,
I would suggest that you talk to her about Islam. At the same time, make sure you practice the principles of Islam in your character. Do not be too harsh with her nor say anything negative about the Hindu faith.
You cannot marry her while she is a Hindu. Allah has only allowed us to marry the People of the Book, namely Jews and Christians.
If you really like her, then you should want what’s best for her, and Islam would be best for her.
But, you should be careful about interacting with her too much. You may want to get a Muslim sister to talk to her about Islam. If you continue to talk to her, it is almost guaranteed your emotions will get the best of you and you’ll find all sorts of excuses to do one wrong thing after another.
Perhaps you can send her some Islamic material via email or FB or Twitter (for example, you can send her links to this website…hint, hint). Or maybe some Islamic books in pdf format. There are many of them all over the internet.
If she decides not to accept Islam, then you must move on and put her behind you. Even though it may hurt, you must put your trust in Allah and know that He is giving you what is best and may be saving you from making a bad decision.
And Allah knows best.
i wants to known that , married or unmarried woemen can do job with like gynocologest ,because in saudi arabia, dubai , muskat etc many male gynocologest are working and the cesarian surgery with female gynocologest , is that right way in islam,
As-Salaamu Alaikum Shafiq,
This is certainly a job that should be reserved for Muslim women, especially in a country like Saudi Arabia. I was not aware that they had many male gynecologists. These countries really should invest more in educating their female population in these areas; they certainly have the resources to do so.
I live in America, a non-Muslim country, yet my wife has always been able to ensure that she only has female doctors, Alhamdulillah.
However, if there is an emergency, and the only person that can help the mother is a male doctor, then it would be permissible for him to help her.
Allah knows best. May He guide us all in this matter.
Assalamualaikum.. My husbnd is quite pious n godfearing n he tels me all the tym that he wants his wyf- me- 2 surpas him in terms of relgion n Allahs blesings, the problem is he, quite a numbr of tyms tends to tak prayers n the quran litl les seriously, spcly wen hes around friends n tired.. Is ther a way 4 me 2 advic him nycly without offending him? Coz hes quite an egoistin man.
Wa Alaikum salaam Sr. Ameerah,
Just keep talking to him. If he is pious as you say then he should b keeping up with his prayers.
When you say he’s it serious, do you mean he doesn’t pray at all or just prays late? One is definitely worse than the other.
If he is praying but is a little negligent then the best thing to do, in my opinion, is to just talk to I’m in a kind and helpful manner and pray that Allah strengthens his faith.
Assalam aleikum,
l have been married for two years now. My husband had three children beforl met him and l knew this for a fact.l have no lssues with this as long as he support all sides and thats the picture l got when l got into the marriage that he can support the kids and the costs incidental o that situation.l on the other dide l have a job and have no problems wupporting my self though once in a while a sister would want her husband to pamer her take her ou etc…this stopped by the way after we got married now its me who initiates the outings and even payment for the tab.l find my self buying the food around the house, he pays the rent but at time l find paper work that suggests he is late on payments etc..
we have not had a child of our own yet and l really wonder how we shall make it once the kid comes along. At times he asks to hold some money from me which some times he pays back only half way or not all.l love my husband but these small things at times weigh me down. Am l being selfish pleasse advice me l do not want to be one of the women who will be fuel for jahananum. l am finding it hard leaving theway Kadijah RA did.
please help.
what can l do?
Wa Alaikum Salaam Fatma,
The first thing you should consider is if your husband is a good man? Is he practicing Islam? Is he trying to earn money? Or is he lazy and just wants to live off of you?
If he’s a good person and he’s doing the best he can, but he just isn’t earning enough money for you, then I would suggest you be patient with him. Marriage is a team effort and sometimes both parties have to make sacrifices to make things work out. Allah controls the provision so he can only earn what Allah has ordained for him.
Furthermore, if you’re patient with his situation then it counts as rewards and blessings for you.
He is stuck with his previous four children; there’s nothing he can do about them until they grow up. I’m assuming you knew this when you married him. Allah has placed a big burden on him, and if you know he’s doing the best he can, I would suggest you pray that Allah makes it easy for him and help him as much as you can.
And Allah knows best.
No, not all Muslim wives clean their husbands dirty clothes. That’s probably because cleaning isn’t one of the responsibilities assigned women in Islam.
Please lay off of the stereotypes. It makes your posts hard to read.
I’m tempted to give a really harsh retort, but I’m going to be patient just in case I misunderstood something you said or you have other issues that cannot be resolved.
Let me get this correct…you’re advising me to lay off stereotypes…because I said:
You’ve got an issue with that? Really? Seriously?
There are two problems with your comment:
This is a free and open website, so you can pretty much say anything you want and express any opinion you have.
But I would suggest that you not leave comments that make you sound bitter/angry/immature or anything like that.
Just a suggestion.
Hey man how are you supposed to initiate a conversation with a muslimah when you’ re supposed to lower your gaze? If the objective is to get married of course
That’s a pretty good question and an important one.
If you know who her Wali (guardian) is, then you should probably approach him first. A woman’s Wali is usually her father or brother or uncle. Talk to the Wali to find out if she’s already engaged, if she’s interested in getting married, and if you even have a chance.
Then go from there.
My husband is a nice person he is kind and caring, a good father provides us with everything, not abusive at all,hardworking.. the only thing i have problem is that he never say a word of love,no intimacy for years, no loving gesture nothing, he lives with me like a brothers and sisters do,he is not having any affair or health problem or mental issues.
I am heart broken, i feel like a burden on him though he never say anything, i am bitter now,i talk back to him as well,cant take anything against me.away from family and friends in a foreign country only I and my God knows how i am cooping up with this,its been 7 years with the same.it has effected my confidence , he tells me marrying you was a mistake yet has no reason to tell why? what did i do.
I have given up any hope for love in my life and i will not let him be intimate with me ever now,..i do all the duties that you mentioned in your article about what muslim man want, i don’t know what is respect meant there,i do talk back now as i am very upset, tried to talk about this and everything but its over i guess.
What Islam says about such situation, what if wife push herself to fantasize other men in this case?
So now I find myself in the awkward position of advising someone who criticized my position on polygamy. You probably didn’t know that “Muttaqi al Islam” (really Muttaqi Ismail) actually runs and manages this website.
Mashallah. Such is the life of Muslim blogger.
You can choose to accept or reject my advice. Or perhaps other readers will offer something different or perhaps even better than what I have to say.
I mentioned in my reply to your comment on polygamy that much of what you said was based on emotion. And now, after reading your story, I see my analysis was accurate.
First, there is definitely a lot of anger and hostility in your marriage. Perhaps you guys aren’t fighting and yelling and screaming every day. But there is certainly some underlying resentment in this relationship. And it is destroying your marriage, your sanity, and maybe even your life.
For this to have gone on for so long, seven years as you said, there has to be something very deep lying at the core of you and your husband’s mutual dislike. It’s not one single thing (it never is). It is most likely – and Allah knows best – a combination of many different factors and events that took place throughout your marriage.
After living like this for so long, there is not much you can do to change things. Any changes in attitude and behavior will make him suspicious. Plus, I have a feeling he knows what he’s doing hurts you and he either doesn’t care or gets some malicious pleasure out of it. That is why I believe there is a great deal of anger in this marriage.
And then you’ve also mentioned how you’ve said things to him that obviously add to the animosity and anger.
This vicious cycle of hurt and payback has to end. Someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to fear Allah and put their emotions and desires aside for His pleasure. Someone has to commit to not hurting the other person regardless of what happens.
I would suggest you be that bigger person. When he says something nasty to you, remind him to fear Allah, and ask Allah to forgive him. Say this out loud and he will be forced to reflect on what he said, and hopefully even regret it, Inshallah. And when you make dua for another Muslim, the angels make dua for you.
You also need to get some outside help. You need to get a Muslim marriage counselor or Imam to intervene and work to bring you two together. I’m not saying it’s guaranteed to work. But a little bit of counseling can go a long way in a marriage. My only concern is that this has been going on for so long and your hearts have been hardened against each other. Only Allah knows if there is any hope of reconciliation.
And even though you may despise him, I advise you to be intimate with him. This may sound crude, but sex brings forth feelings and emotions in men they normally don’t display. It (temporarily) weakens men and opens up the opportunity for pillow talk (i.e. communication).
And that is ultimately what is lying at the root of all this animosity. A lack of communication. If you two can talk without fighting and saying nasty things to each other, you can probably work through a lot of your problems on your own, Inshallah.
May Allah make it easy for you and give you what’s best.
thanks for the advice, yes I oppose every such thing that men use aginst women in the name of religion.the multiple marriages is one of these , when they cant keep a woman happy then what the reson to get another one another one another one, my husband wont say a single cruel word to me,nothing hostile, but its just that he doesnt likes me , and iam fine with it , the marriage is there as ids are involved, but i just hope that a women like this will have any reward in Allahs court or willit go to disobedience of husband as well? about being intimate i have tried it many times and now i feel ashamed of myself for any advancement.We have talked about it as well, but nothing comes out, its veryshameful to involve anyone else as well..
sorry for the spelling mistakes,yes there is lot of anger involved but thats only for me he is sound and fine, busy in life its me who feels it bad, however i am also getting out of it and care less..alhumdulilah.
A friend mentioned this site to me. Great article and good advice. Everyone needs to feel appreciated, especially in a marriage.
my wife never appreciates what i do for her she will talk during the day but at night she says am tired am not well its been happening for the past couple of weeks i dont understand why she does this i love her very much i show her my love i just dont know what to do and to be honest am getting fed up of this now she ignores me most of the time i love her i show it to her i say it to her i do everything for her then why she does this to me ???
I know you’re not asking me, but, as a woman, I’d advise you to talk to your wife. But I think your question is all wrong. When she says she is tired or doesn’t want to have sex, she’s not doing anything TO YOU. She is making a choice regarding her own body — it might be in response to something you did or it might not. Just because you are nice to her during the day doesn’t mean she is obligated to have sex with you at night.
The best way to find out is by talking to her about it. Instead of getting angry or seeing yourself as a victim, open a calm, rational discussion with her. Explain that you’ve noticed that you’re not having sex as much as you used to and ask her if something is wrong. Tell her you want her to be comfortable and encourage her to share her feelings. Maybe there’s something in your sex life that makes her uncomfortable? Maybe there are things she likes (or doesn’t like) that she has been embarrassed to tell you about. Or maybe is distracted by other things or maybe she just has less of a sex drive than you. Whatever it is, only she can tell you. Ask her, then listen to the answer. And, most importantly, whatever she says, do NOT get angry! Pressuring your wife into sex will definitely damage the relationship.
Asalaamu Alaykum, you said something about the wife who is tied from working full time n come home to do work at home too. If the man is the one who is paying the bills, putting food on the table, do that waman need to make herself tied to a point that she will tell her husband am tied i can’t have sex with you tonight ?
Wa Alaikum Salaam,
This may depend on what the family needs. If the husband is not making enough money to support his family, then it may become necessary for the wife to work also. In which case, it may very well happen that she tires herself out with her work.
In the end, a wife’s first duty, after Allah and His Messenger, is to her husband. So if she can cut back on work in order to have more energy to please her husband, that would be better for all involved.
But if that is not possible, then the husband should be considerate and try not to oppress her or make her life even more difficult.
And Allah knows best.
Salaam, Mr.Donja,
sometimes women have to work because sometimes thier spouses don’t earn enough and they don’t like to see them to worry so they help them financially, a joint effort. So they are tired because of the hours.
Sometimes even if they don’t have work but they’ve been on thier feet all day, maybe because they live in a joint family? elderly in laws? A autistic kid? Or many kids, don’t know, something along them lines,
maybe if some guys approach ( I quote SOME guys)to the bedroom department was different and was a little unexpected it might seem less of a chore for her and won’t add up to all the work she has done during the day. I’m not saying to mollycoddle her and treat her in anyway that the husband would feel uncomfortable. Yes a wife should provide what he wants, I know this…but why sound so technical and harsh? Anyway think I’ve got into enough details and I’m feeling rather odd, so may Allah forgive me if I am wrong and if I have offended anyone
Asalamu alaykum,
my name is Khaleel I’m 18 from the States (New York) and I want to get married. I live with my family in Saudi Arabia now, and I am planning to finish college by taking a series of summer courses (this is when I visit the US) throughout next few years. I apologize if this is out of place for this website, but I am looking for someone to help set me up with some support, like a job or some business that will bring in halal money, as my mother keeps insisting on me finishing school (which will take 2+ years) and I can’t concentrate on anything other then women. Please, even your dua’as would be appreciated (hopefully by Allah, first), I just need some help right now. If you want to contact me, my email is khaleelrogers18@yahoo.com
I ask Allah for His guidance most of all, and through Him Is seek the right way,
Wa alaykum asalam.
I only disagree with one thing.
”Don’t threaten her with divorce or taking a second wife. Yes, you have the right to do both.”
Actually he does not have the right to take a second wife if the first would be displeased or hurt by it. No right at all.
It hurts me how so many brothers think it is permissible. Just like that, without reading the whole truth. If it will hurt of destroy what you already have, then it is not. When spoken like that, (‘it’s a man’s right to more than one wife’) it makes it sound so much simpler than the truth. It disregards a woman and wife in the equation, and above all, its utterly misleading.
You are wrong. For you to make up a ruling in Islam, you have to provide proof from the Quran or the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).
There is not stipulation that a man cannot take a second wife if it will hurt or displease his first wife. If that was the case, then no one would ever take a second wife!
What you’re saying is from your own emotions and opinions. It is not from Islam.
And Allah knows best.
It does say that the best of you is the one who is best with his wife.You are right it does not say anything directly, but I do not think it needs to. I think we must use these phrases (hadiths, sayings of the prophet pbuh) to help us understand the bigger picture without needing to be advised on absolutely everything specifically. For Islam does not allow a man to deliberately hurt or displease his wife. I know this because Allah is just and Islam is fair. If it were that simple, and just any man was able to marry more than once (irrespective of whether their wives were hurt by it, or of his character) it would create a lot of wickedness and unrest. Not to mention divorce. More than one wife should be reserved for the most pious men and women alone. There are heavy, heavy conditions attached rendering it infeasible (and undesirable) for the vast majority.
I am not saying that is because the vast majority are less pious. I am saying it is not as simple as men say. They say ‘in Islam I can marry 4 times, it does not matter what she (wife) thinks’ without any mention of the duties and difficulties behind it. Never mind the obligation of a man to cherish his wifes feelings and emotions. It is said in such a way as to render her unimportant. The prophet (pbuh) and his wives were very blessed and their iman was huge mashallah, most of us can only try to compare. If I was a muslim man, my priority would be to love my wife and ensure I help her through any sorrow. That would be my duty. To take the best care of her. If I did want to marry again and she opposed the idea, my consideration would be of her firstly. Perhaps I would try to persuade her kindly and give her reasons for my decision, but what if she still hated the thought? Would it be correct to just go ahead anyway? Just because it is a right, does not make it right in every situation. Does not make it absolutely fine for the man to do as he pleases. Will he not be asked?. Of course he will. Sure, there may be no verse specifically warning him against just going ahead anyway without considering consequence, but does there need to be? Does it really need to be stipulated that it is better not to harm your wife unless necessary? With everything we know of Islam, we do not need a verse for everything. We have sayings and teachings for clarification.
You said ‘ If that was the case, then no one would ever take a second wife!’. Well to me, if a man has an inkling this may be something he wants, he should advise of this before marrying the first wife. In the same way that I would lay on the table that I wish for my husband to marry only once, or if I was happy for otherwise. If people were open at the beginning, there would be less problems. You are right that not many would agree to this, but there would be many that would, I am sure. To me, avoidance of a situation in which causing your wife pain would be the best. There are many ways to avoid that situation. Really easily. Either making clear at the start of marriage, or if the marriage has already happened, I think talking to the wife, (either to reassure, or agree what happens next if she refuses that life) would be best. Just walking off and doing it anyway, even though permissible, it not the fairest way it is? Is going to create huge problems isnt it? Surely, it is not the best way to treat someone you love is it? and he will be asked. Just because it isn’t directly haram, does not mean that the wifes well being should exit through a window, or not be thought of at all. That would be wrong. That is not what Islam is about.
” Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”
Now according to the above, lets say we have a man who has married twice against the wishes of the first wife. How impossible is it going to be for him to treat them justly when his first wife is furious and devastated. How much anguish will there be? How will it affect the children? Will he then begin to be annoyed by the jealousy of his first wife and start spending more time with wife number 2? Who knows. In that above verse is much wisdom. It says it all to me. Allah is just, and he knows best. He wants peace between husband and wife. He does not disregard the feelings of the women, he gave her those feelings. He gave the men feelings and brains to be able to do things, the right way.
Dearest brother is islam asking for advise concerning wife who doesn’t want to spend time with-
I really feel for you in your situation. please think of how our beloved prophet muhammed peace be upon him would have reacted if it would be him who found himself in such circumstances.
our beloved prophet treated all his wives with the upmost respect and kindness, such a beautiful man mashallah and as we know the best of men. we must endeavour to act as our beloved prophet acted in order to please our master allah swt.
Firstly dua is the essence of ibadah ( worship) utilize this gift that allah has given us slaves and find sabr ( patience) in allah, Allah has advised he is with the patient.
Try and speak to your wife about your feelings and do things to please her so her heart softens towards you and she find herself inclined towards you and inshallah will want to spend more time with you.
Dear brother in islam Allah swt hates divorce do all you can to save your marriage from this it is the most hated thing to allah that he has made permissible.
Please remember the wife of the propphet muhammed peace be upon him, Hafsa the prophet divorced her due to her character however jibril descended by will of allah and ordered the prophet to take hafsa back and informed him that she will be his wife in jannah again inshallah.
may allah bring you ease and happiness.
Asalaam walaikum
Brother Really? I have always thought u needed your wife’s approval, maybe I was taught this, or maybe it’s one of them things because you assume in a common sense kind of way otherwise I don’t see how a relationship like that can work, not questioning you, but If you can help me understand where you understood this from so I can understand too, would be grateful, thank you, and if you have posted anything about this at the bottom of the page I haven’t scrolled down yet.
Wa Alaikum Salaam,
No a man does not need the first wife’s approval for the second wife and the second wife’s approval for the third and the third’s wife approval for the fourth, and the fourth’s wife approval for the right hand possession. No, it’s not necessary and not required.
It is something made up by weak Muslims who are afraid of making Islam seem to harsh against women and so they add these cultural things and pass them off as part of the religion.
Allah didn’t say it and the Prophet didn’t say it. Therefore, it’s not mandatory.
The Role of Muslim Women
in an Islamic Society
By: Ikhwan
(Correction: Jamaal Zarabozo isn’t the author of this article)
The Status of Women as Defined by Islam The woman is a mother and it is said that “Paradise lies under her feet” (reported by Al Tabarani). In an authentic hadith the Prophet (peace be upon him)(SAAS) was asked by a man: ‘Who is the one most worthy of my care?’. The Prophet replied: ‘Your mother’. The man asked: ‘Then whom?’. He replied: ‘Your mother’. The man further asked: ‘Then whom?’. He replied: ‘Your mother’. The man asked: ‘Then whom?’. And in this fourth time the Prophet replied: ‘Then your father.’ This shows that Allah has placed the care of the mother as a primary responsibility of her sons.
Edited by Abu Ibrahim: This comment was way, way too long and seems to be a copy and paste from some Muslim Brotherhood writings. Doesn’t seem too bad, but it’s too long and rhetorical.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu
brothers and sister
I am 20 years old
currently residing in virginia
i want to get married asap
any pious muslimahs out there?
Salaam,
I am currently under going separation from my husband who to my knowledge makes great effort in praying 5 times a day and likes to spend his time with Allah. This was the reason I got married to him 10 months ago. However, after the wedding he started to become very abusive..he would occasional lose his temper and hit me then state that it was my fault for making him hit me. He hates my family..always swears and talks ill of them to me. Most if our problems are bedroom related…every night he stated he was not feeling, had a headache, didn’t feel like it or was just angry with me. His family got involved as we argued every night and they could hear us (his parents, bros& sis lived with us). His sisters and his mum started abusing me in front of him. Though He defended me to some extent in front of them on few occasions he later abused me for it. When his younger brother stated becoming abusive I got my family involved as this marriage was arranged them. Things havnt got any better and we are heading for divorce..despite me telling my husband that we should give it another go..his blaming me for everything. I do love him and sincerely pray that Allah makes our marriage work.. But my husband is against the idea now and stats I have been an ungrateful wife and that I didn’t appreciate what I had hence its being taken away from me… Please advice if you can…
Salaam
I am currently undergoing separation from my husband. I lived with my husband and his family for the last 10 months. My husband appeared to be a very practicing Muslim..prays 5 times a day at the mosque and tries to spend time pleasing Allah. However, after our wedding he started to lose his temper at the smallest of things.. He kept away from me and would make excuses every night…so much so he would result to abuse..he would hit me and constantly swear at me..then would state that it’s my fault for making him be like that towards me. We argued every night. I would cry myself to sleep. His family got involved and started to become abusive towards me too…he occasional stood up for me against them but would later take it out on me too. His mother and sisters constantly swore at me and he began to hate my family. His also told me several times that he doesn’t love me and hates me..that marrying me was the worse mistake of his life. When his younger brothers became abusive I got my family involved as this was an arranged marriage. It’s come to a point where his told me that we won’t work out and will be divorcing me over the phone. Despite me constantly telling him that Allah bought us together for a reason and that we should give it another go..he isn’t changing his mind. His blaming me for the break up and constantly tells me that I was an ungrateful wife..because I questioned what was happening to me and our marriage. Please advice as to what I can do.
Eagerly awaiting for your reply..
(I did post this once before but it seems as though it didn’t go through..hence, posting it again)
Wa Alaikum Salaam,
Your situation is truly difficult and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a trial.
I have to preface my statements by saying that we are only hearing one side of the story, so it would not be wise to jump to any conclusions.
However, if everything you’ve said is true, why are you against divorce? He has abused you, both physically and emotionally, and he isn’t practicing Islam. I’m not saying you should rush into divorce, but there seems to be little love coming from his side.
In cases like this, you need an unbiased 3rd party to mediate between you two (not your families). Please try to see a Muslim marriage counselor or visit a local Imam or Sheikh and whom you both trust and respect.
But you shouldn’t tolerate your husband’s abuse. Make your family aware of what’s happening because this will only get worse before it gets any better.
And Allah knows best.
Many thanks for your reply brother..it is much appreciated. I have tried to speak to my husband about Muslim marriage councilling but unfortunately he is against the idea. The reason I am so keen in giving this marriage a go is because it’s both our second marriage and being from the community that we are it doesn’t make it easy on females who are labelled twice. Plus I sincerely feel that Allah has bought us together for a greater reason than just to make us realise our past mistakes.
Nonetheless, I will very much appreciate your duahs. Please pray that we are able to hold on to the rope of faith and have full trust in Allah that everything will work out in the end..inshallah.
In your article above, what you ask the husbands to do, believe me i have been doing all the above and more than that , but she has never changed , i guess , she will never change , after all she is a woman ” woe-man “
Salam Alekum,
Should a man honor/love his mother above his wife?
Thank you,
Edward
Wa Alaikum Salaam,
Love cannot really be controlled. So there’s no way to answer who a man should love more, his mother or his wife.
But as for honor, then definitely, a man should honor his mother more. Allah orders man to be kind to his wife, but also orders us to obey our parents. The rights of a mother are above the rights of the wife.
Salam,
Can you amplify what you mean by, “the rights of a mother are above the right of the wife”?
I ask under the basis in which you stated, “so there’s no way to answer who a man should love more, his mother or his wife”. But if in fact the mothers rights are above the wives wouldn’t love be included in those rights?
Thank you,
Edward
Love cannot be controlled. Many parents say they love all their kids the same, but in truth, most parents have a favorite, even if they don’t show it.
And there’s no way to measure who a man would truly love more, his wife or his mother. His mother may want to say that it’s her, but how can anyone say for sure?
Anyway, to answer your question, “love” is not a right. Respect and honor and kindness is a right parents have over their children and spouses have over each other.
But “Love” is not something we’re penalized for by Allah if we don’t have it. It’s an internal feeling; it’s not an external action or behavior.
So, when it comes to respect, the mother’s rights outweigh the wife’s. If a mother asks her son to do something for her, and his wife asks for the same thing, and they are both equally important, the man has to obey his mother.
That is because it’s sinful for a man to disobey his parents in righteous deeds, but it’s not sinful for a man to disobey his wife. In fact, it is sinful for her to disobey him unless he asks her to do something sinful.
So that what it all boils down to.
One is sinful (disobeying your mother).
The other is not (disobeying your wife).
Love for a mother and love for a wife are two different kinds of love. Men are not intimate with their mothers in the same way they are intimate with their wife. Sexual intimacy forms a kind of love that one cannot relate to with a mother. Both kinds of love are deep in different ways because the form of relationship is totally different.
You don’t say?
Thank you
However I must respectfully disagree with your concept that love is only a feeling not an action.
Love is without any doubt an action. For example, how do we show Allah we love him? Through our obedience. Obedience therefore is a clear demonstration of our submission to Allahs perfect will. Therefore, how do we show we love God, not by a internal feeling but by our actions.
This same concept can be applied in our affections towards loved one, friends and so forth. I can’t say I love my brothers in Islam by mere feeling, but I can show them my love by my actions.
Thank you for sharing.
Edward
Only the most farfetched and romanticized explanation can define love as an action. Most sensible people know that love is a feeling.
Love is, however expressed through actions.
Salam Eduardo!
I really like what you wrote above about true love being more than a feeling but a combination of first feeling and then outward action! What a lovely statement mashallah.
In my opinion regarding your question brother, I think that you should honour your mother above all else. This is in a famous hadith, a man came to the Prophet (SAW) and asked:
“O Messenger of Allah! to whom should I show kindness? He replied: Your mother, next your mother, next your mother, and then comes your father…” (Sunan Abu Dawud)
Also in Islam, Jannah is described as being under the feet of your mother. As to whether you ‘should’ love your mother more than your wife, it is very difficult to say that if you love your wife more you are wrong. I agree with Muttaqi when he says the initial feeling of love cannot be controlled. Love is not something we can control in its measure, but rather we can control our expression of it. We also have to remember that not everyone is blessed with a mother who shows them any kindness or love, and some never knew their mother at all! Surely there is no sin on them if their heart loves their wife more as this cannot be controlled or helped, and Allah knows best. If you outwardly *show* you love your wife more than your mother, then I think you would be wrong for doing so as your other deserves to be *shown* your love above all else. In day to day normal situations though, I would imagine most people would love their mother more as she gave you life, and brought you up.
Imam Ali bin Hussein, the great-grandson of the Prophet (SAW) said:
It is the right of your mother that you should appreciate that she carried you [in her womb] the way nobody carries anybody, She fed you the fruits of her heart which nobody feeds anybody. She protected you [during pregnancy] with her ears, eyes, hands, legs, hair, limbs, [in short] with her whole being, gladly, cheerfully, and carefully; suffering patiently all the worries, pains, difficulties, and sorrows. Till the hand of God removed you from her and brought you into this world. Then she was most happy, feeding you forgetting her own hunger, clothing you even if she herself had no clothes, giving you milk and water not caring for her own thirst, keeping you in the shade, even if she had to suffer from the heat of the sun, giving you every comfort with her own hardships; lulling you to sleep while keeping herself awake.
Because of the high status of the mother, and the fact that none can do for a person what she has done for you, one should love her more naturally. However as I have said, you cannot choose how much to love a person, nor is every mother in this world going to be a good one. By that I mean that sadly some people have mothers who do not show them the love that is normal, and abuse and hurt and abandon their offspring for other things. It would be impossible to love a mother such as this more than a good wife.
So to conclude in Islam your mother is the most important person in the world and therefore should most certainly be given the most honour. However, Islam also makes it very clear how much one should honour his wife, as we all know the prophet s.a.w advised that:
”The best of you, is the one who is best with his wife”
Even the best charity a husband can do, is the charity given in the way of his wife! This just goes to show how important the wife is. So even if in Islam the honour is first with the mother, neither the wife nor the mother should ever be put in a situation where they feel they have been disregarded for the other, within reason.
Allah knows best and I hope that all makes sense.
Salam Sara,
Thank you for the comments offered. I recently embraced Islam two months ago and have questions concerning the family. I’m a single Muslim who deems the importance in family and desire to know the proper role of marriage and where to apply love, honor and affection in the proper order.
God knows best, peace be with you.
Best wishes,
Edward
Salam wa alaikum Edward,
Mashallah it warms my heart to know you have recently found the true path. May Allah shower his blessings upon you and keep you steadfast on your journey, and may he reward you greatly for seeking knowledge of the truth. Ameen. Now you have Allah you will never be alone.
Wasalam.
Salam Sara,
Alhamdulilah. Thank you for your caress-ful words. They’ve touch my hear.
May God prosper you. May he grant to you the desires of your heart. May Allah grant you understanding and wisdom to contribute to others, inshallah.
Best wishes,
Edward
Salam Alekum,
Is discipline (physical correction) permissible towards children?
Thank you,
Edward
It has been proven that those only hurt the children and do not actually discipline though I’m pretty sure that there is no specific rule against it in Islam but it is generally bad in every way. If you do choose to do it, then in limits up to a certain age would seem reasonable. you won’t be hitting a 16 year old would you? I just suggest to find other ways for discipline, this strains your relationship with your child, they may grow up feeling very negative towards you and you teach your children respect not fear. Furthermore, with little children this traumatizes them and with older children, it’s just not right unless they hit you or disrespect in you some big way.
What does being Muslim have to do with this? Every wife wants this.