7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You

What’s Going Through Your Muslim Husband’s Mind?

Ever wish you could read your husband’s mind? Western culture encourages husbands and wives to talk to each other and discuss things.

However, in many Muslim cultures, men are raised to be stoic and tight-lipped. Muslim husbands are very often (not always) reluctant to talk about certain things with their wives.

Part of the problem is also that sometimes it is hard to actually formulate our thoughts into the right words.

The only thing more difficult than translating thoughts to words is translating feelings to words.

Photo courtesy amrufm

So, a lot of Muslim men and women go through their marriages with very little communication and never really knowing what the other person is thinking.

This quick list is for the Muslim sisters in my audience. This list will give you good idea of some of the things your husband thinks about, but just doesn’t know how, or want, to tell you.

1. Above All, He Desires Your Respect

I spoke about this in my article “Love or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?”.

In this article, I explained that women want to know their husbands love them, and men want to know their wives respect them.


It’s important that Muslim women understand the value of respect for men, especially Muslim men. In Islam, men are taught from a young age that they are supposed to be the bread-winners and caretakers of their families.

You can imagine how frustrating it would be for a man, who tries his best to care for his family, to be married to a woman who doesn’t respect him. She may declare that she loves him, but without her respect, he will quickly fall out of love with her.

This idea is put forward in the Quran where Allah says:

Men are in charge of women by what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard.

Chapter 4, Verse 34

If you fear there is a problem in your marriage sisters, I would suggest you start here.

>>Here’s What I Did To Earn My Wife’s Respect<<

2. He Desires Your Loyalty

This goes hand in hand with respect.

There’s nothing that will ruin a marriage quicker than the idea that your spouse is not loyal. The idea, that he or she is not going to stick by you.

I’m not talking about infidelity. This is what usually comes to mind when people talk about loyalty in a marriage.

What I’m talking about is knowing that the person whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with is going to be there for you when you really need them.

Most men won’t admit it, but we do need women. And we do need your support.

And it’s very troubling to be married to a woman who may not be around when the going gets tough.

If you are constantly threatening divorce or separation or Khula (Islamic divorce initiated by the wife), you can expect your marriage to fizzle out very quickly.

Your husband needs to know that you’re going to be by his side if:

  • He loses his job and the money gets tight.
  • He tries to do something (like start a business or go back to school) but fails at it.
  • His reputation is tarnished or his honor is attacked.

You should be loyal to your husband before everything else except Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).

If you’re loyal to your husband, than rest assured he’ll be loyal to you.

3. He Wants To Have Sex More Often

Let’s get this right out into the open.

Some women might think men are narrow-minded brutes for this, but it’s the truth.

Men desire sex. Men really desire sex.

So when you give him the following excuses:

  • “I’ve got a headache.”
  • “I’m not feeling good.”
  • “Can’t it wait till the weekend? I’m really not in the mood.”

Know that your husband is going to go to sleep a little upset with you, even if he doesn’t show it.

And do this often enough, he’s going to start resenting you. And that resentment will build up and may lead to him being unnecessarily mean to you or losing some love.

Please keep the following hadith in mind:

When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.

Bukhari and Muslim.

Something to think about.

4. He Thinks About Other Women

Okay, first of all, calm down. Don’t unsubscribe from my mailing list just yet. Let me explain this.

All men think about other women.

It doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on you.

It doesn’t mean he’s thinking about taking a second wife.

It doesn’t mean he’s fantasizing about another woman.

It just means that all (straight) men do, at some point in their lives, consider having another woman (i.e. wife).

You’re better off coming to terms with this and accepting it than having false, purile notions about men.

The best way to combat these thoughts are to apply the advice given in the first three secrets:

  • Respect him.
  • Be loyal to him.
  • Give him physical love when he wants it.

Does this mean he’ll never take a second wife if you do these three things? Of course not.

But it will raise your value in his mind relative to other woman and he’ll be all the more reluctant to look for those three things (respect, loyalty, and sex) elsewhere.

5. He Wants To Make You Happy

Why do you think men work so hard to make money?

Why do you think men are willing to leave their jobs and risk starting a business?

Why do you think men like buying women gifts?

Because deep down, we really just want to make you happy. :)

Sometimes we screw it up and forget our anniversary. But we really would prefer to remember because we know it would make you happy.

So when your husband buys you a gift, accept it, rejoice over it, thank him profusely, and use it as often as possible.

If he buys you some jewelry, wear it.

If he buys you a new smartphone, use it.

If he buys you a car, drive it.

And don’t be so quick to nag him about the things he doesn’t do right. Because then he’ll start feeling that you don’t respect (there’s that word again) the things he does do for you.

6. If You Nudge Him, He Can Be A Better Muslim

Nobody’s perfect.

Perhaps your husband isn’t a Muslim scholar. Perhaps he’s not the best Muslim in the world.

You can nudge him to make him better. But you can’t force him.

Do little things to get him to improve his Islam.

  • Offer to wake him up for Salaatul Fajr.
  • Encourage him to make Salaah at the Masjid.
  • Tell him how much nicer he’d look if he grew his beard.

This takes deliberate words, a soft touch, and careful action. No one likes to be preached to.

But if you do this right, you’ll be getting a double reward:

The reward that comes with living with a righteous husband. And the reward in the next life for encouraging your husband to the truth.

Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

Chapter 103, Verse 3

7. He Loves You, Even If He Doesn’t Always Show It

I know, this one may be kinda hard to swallow. But it’s true (usually).

Men are just not that good at showing emotion (unless we’re talking sports or politics).

We don’t tell our wives “I love you” often enough.

We’re not perfect. And constantly comparing us to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) ain’t helping.

Of course, we are supposed to emulate him (pbuh) as much as we can. And for most of us, we are doing the best we can.

But we just can’t treat you the same way he (pbuh) treated his wives. Similarly, it’s unfair for men to expect their wives to behave like Aisha (RA) and his other wives (RA) did.

Just because your husband doesn’t treat you in the way (you think) the Prophet (pbuh) treated his wives, doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you.

It just means he’s human.

It is very important that you understand this.

  • If he’s doing his best to take care of you.
  • If he doesn’t abuse you or sleep around.
  • If he sincerely tries to solve your problems and helps you in the best way he can.

Then chances are he loves you. A lot.

Now move from in front of the television and go make me a sandwich.


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378 thoughts on “7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You”

  1. What a sweet article, thank you. I’m married for 10 years now to a very nice guy. I have to say that as a working woman, one tends to be exhausted, self-absorbed ect but husbands are still the head of the family and preserving the harmony of the marriage is so important. Even the best of us need to be reminded, and I thank you again :)

      1. salaam alykum,us husband ka kya kiya jaay jo sirf namaz, roza aur zakat dene tak hi musalmaan hai aur phir us k koi ahkaam musalmaan ki tarha nahi hai yaha tak ki wo apne biwi aur baccho ki dekhbhal bhi nahi tarta?

          1. Assalamua’laykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

            Sister Zoya seems to have been writing Urdu in the English alphabet, and I think that this is what she said:

            “Assalamua’laykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu. What should I do if I have a husband who only practices Islam up to the point where he prays Salaah, keeps fast, and gives Zakaah – and thinks that any other Islamic injunction is invalid on him? This is to the point where he doesn’t fulfill his wife’s and kid’s rights in Islam.”


          2. Wa Alaikum Salaam Wa Rahmantullahi wa Barakatuhu,

            Thank you for the translation. Before giving a complete answer, Sister Zoya might have to explain what she means by he doesn’t fulfill her and her kids’ rights. Need more info.

          3. Zoya says: Assalamu Alaikum, what to do about that husband who only follows Islamic principles to the limit of Salat, Fasting and giving Zakat and does not care about his wife and children?
            – a good samaritan who likes translating. 😀

        1. App ko chahey , jesey unho ne uper battaya , Mard ko Respect ( Ehtram ), Loyality ( emandari ) , physical love ( matlb jub wo khe us ke pass aa jao , us ke satth khus ho wo jo b karey “sex” ), Mard ko Aurat ka Ehtram krna boht pasnd hota ha, Aur phir us ko payr se kho request kro ” samjho matt ” Request kerna Ehtram me atta ha. Dua kro ALLAH se Numaz parh ker, Numaz sub pareshaniyo ka hall ha, Pehly Dua phir amal. Insha ALLAH wo sahi ho jae ha . I will prey for you .

          1. First obey ALLAH (the purpose of life), then believe that he always do best for us.husband is not every thing in life.and some time in life GOD take exams from his beloved one…
            we hav to b honest when we pray…
            One more thing, “ALLAH ki yad mei dillon ka sukoon hae”

        2. ager woh muslman hai aur namazdar aur imandar ho tu woh aapne biwi aur baccho ka dekbhal zaror karega 100% aap jise fool stupit jise question islam ke bareme.mat karna

      2. Assalamu alaikum. Thank u for the information. I am now married for two years and had our son 7 months ago. However just before my son gave birth i got mu husband arrested for leaving home all the time, and for abusing me. Because of the arrest he was not present at the birth of his son which he regrets and blames me. From day 1 the pregnancy experience have been very bad, mostly family issues.

        However now i have found out, not catched him but that ges sleeping with either prostitutes or other women. But hes not said sorry neither he confessed. I love him and dont to be with anyone but my trust issues are so bad that i want find out which is causing arguments between us.

        1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

          First you should verify that your suspicions are true. Suspicion can be a dangerous thing especially if there is no proof behind it.

          If it is true, then you should confront him and advise him to repent and abstain from doing these things again. You should also get checked for STD’s.

          In my opinion, this is enough cause for you to divorce him. But if you don’t want to divorce him, then you should advise him to repent and put these things behind you and move forward.

          And Allah knows best.


  2. May thy almighty continue to support u financially and spiritually. Iam a muslim woman and am very happy and pleased with my husband bec he has been with me in tough time and happy mood he always understand me all time. May thy amighty be with all the family that is having problem with their home.

    1. As-Salaamu Alaikum Sr. Alabelewe,

      Thank you for commenting and thank you for your dua. Allah has blessed you with a good husband and I’m sure your husband has been blessed with a good wife. :)

  3. Assalamu alaikum. I’ve been married for 12yrs now and always having problem that am even thinking of divorce. Can i apply ds 7 tips or is late.

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Sr. Khadijah,

      I would hope it’s not too late. A lot of it depends on what your problems are. Be truthful and ask yourself are your marital problems small things that can be worked on (simple disagreements, bickering and stuff like that) or is it major things like infidelity or abuse?

      Are your problems caused by you or your husband or both of you (I’m guessing it’s probably both)?

      Seriously think about this next question: Will your life be better without your husband?

      Before you consider divorce, please go to the video section on this website and look at some of the videos a friend of mine made called “Rekindle the Flame.” This brother gives a lot of good advice on how married couples can improve their relationship. Inshallah, I’ll be releasing the full videos in a week or so.

      May Allah give you the best.

  4. I loved reading your article. I just wish husbands would be more considerate and learn small things as saying i love you once in a month..Not showing the emotions can actually break the other counter-part. After all God mad us from the his rib which is already curved and may break

    1. Jazakallah Khair, thank you for your comments Sana. We as men should show more emotion to our wives. It is not only improves the relationship, but also softens our hearts when we do. May Allah show all Muslim men how to appreciate and love their believing wives more, Ameen.

    2. Sister Sana. Husbands should not be telling their wives once a month that they love them. They should be telling them every day, and certainly more than once! Also, it is not enough to say the words but to show them. He needs to prove his love to you on an ongoing daily basis, just as if every day that he had with you would be his last in this world. I feel he kinda needs to live this way. You are a gift to him from Allah and like all good gifts, he should be thankful for you.

      1. I disagree, some women do not need ot hear it EVERDAY. Some women would prefer once in a while. That they can see the love without the words. I do not think its right for us to be telling women how love should be in thier marriage. Everyone shows affection and love in different ways, and some find it acceptable in a different way to you or I.

  5. Re: It doesn’t mean he’s fantasizing about another woman.
    May ALLAH have mercy on him –
    Sorry to say that unfortunately he is and he tells me all the time and it wouldn’t bother if it wasn’t related to filthy porn. So what does a sister do in this situation? How can a woman want to have relations when he compares you to the 18 year disbelievers he watches? He insults my brown skin and hair and says he prefers blonds that they are much better than me and that I am filthy. Forgive me for being so blunt.

    1. As-Salaamu Alaikum Sr. Ameena,

      I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such troubles with your husband. The advice I gave above is for righteous upstanding men who do love their wives.

      If your husband is saying abusive things, you should try to get someone to give him advice. Perhaps if you have a male relative that he respects, maybe that man can talk some sense into him. If not, you may want to talk to an Imam or Sheikh that he respects and perhaps they can advise him.

      If it doesn’t appear he is going to stop at all, you may want to do a reality check and see if this is the relationship you want to stay in. Can you overlook his insults and continue living with him in order to keep your family together?

      Or do you think his behavior is going to hurt you or cause you go into depression and impact your Imaan and faith.

      If what you say is true, then it sounds as if he doesn’t really love you or want to be with you. If he is unwilling to change, perhaps it is time for you to move on.

      May Allah give you what’s best.

      1. Al salamo alaikom wa rahmatto ALLAH wa barakato – thank you so much brother and forgive me for how I wrote before my heart was and still in such torment. I’ve been patient for five years and it wasn’t about fatasizing as Kia mentioned. It was a deliberate way to hurt me. He said he knew no other way to hurt me but to blurt this awful obscenity. I didn’t want to believe that he has problems but he has and I have not one to turn to except ALLAH. Porn is never a fatasy it is a ugly drug from shaitan. He apologized a million times over but keeps repeating the same thing over and over. He did say if he spoke like this about me it would be the same as his sisters being hurt. Jazakallah Khair

        1. Dear Sr. Ameena,

          I believe this Productive Muslim Doodle on Youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPXzc9u7PVI) and the link below might help you understand your husband’s situation and might help both of you, together, solve the problem your husband is having. If an addiction to pornography is preventing you from having a good relationship with your husband, I really think this Muslim organization will be able to help you, InshaaAllah. Please watch the Youtube video link first, and then check out this link: http://www.purifyyourgaze.com/funnel/live

          InshaaAllah, may Allah (SWT) ease your hardship and make things easy for you.

    2. You do have a problem. Anyone can be an infidel-even Muslims. The abuse young girls and women in Middle Eastern countries sustained at the hands of their husbands are proof of that. I’m a Christian and proud of it, but anyone who watches porn is inviting Satan into their home. I know this is something a lot of men do, but they don’t realize that they are taking pleasure in behavior that I know God disapproves of. The Bible speaks of giving into the flesh and its lusts and how it is enmity with God. I hate to quote this without a verse, but I’m sure you can Google it. It only separates you from God which is what your husband is doing. The Bible further states if you fulfill the lusts of the flesh, then you cannot please God. For the works of the flesh are these: Galatian 5: 19-21, adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, etc. If your husband were a Christian you could use these scriptures to let him see the error of his ways, but I don’t know what the Qur’an says about such things. The Bible says if a man looks at a woman to lust after her he is committing adultery. Maybe you should get advice from your Imam, but would he tell your husband? Peace. Oh, I really came to this site to see if there was an organization I could donate to, to help abused Muslim girls and women.

      1. Brilliant… SO can you post a link for charity that helps abused christian girls in America and UK. in the USA 800,000 WHITE, christian women are abused by their partners every year! Domestic violence affects every nation, every skin colour and every ethnicity. Do not discriminate!

      2. “..idolatry…” So why do you Christians worship statues of Isa/Jesus AS and Mary? That is idol worship and associating partners with God. Jesus made it clear… he is of flesh and blood mortal… Not son of God.

      1. So what do you think brother if you being married can fantasize about other women so why cant your married sister fantasize about other men??

        1. Well, you should either reread the article to better understand it, or just stop lying.

          I did not say men “can” fantasize. I said they “will” fantasize. And I didn’t anything at all about women fantasizing.

          You’re just making stuff up. You’re fantasizing.

  6. As-Salamu Alakium

    LOL. Sorry brother for putting it so bluntly. Let me rephrase that :).. Some Muslimahs find other men attractive. Now weather or not they fantasize about such men I cannot say.

  7. It’s wrong to use the Koran for the advice that has been given because it is outdated and we now realize that men and women are equal in all things. her body is hers and doesn’t belong to the husband. No angels are going to curse her. Angels don’t even exist.

    1. No, it’s absolutely right to use the Quran as it continues to fulfill its role as an eternal miracle even today. You are wrong for coming to a Muslim blog and trying to convince people to follow your misguided and arrogant beliefs!

    2. Just out of curiosity: where does it say in the Qur’an that women aren’t equal to men? How do you know that angels don’t exist? I’m not trying to ridicule you, kind person, but as a very famous poet (Boonaa Mohammed) says, “what’s the point of knowing truth if you can’t back it up with proof?” . If you’re going to make statements, you’ll need to prove it to us, okay? :) . Then we can discuss issues fairly.

      1. Sura 4:34. As Riffat Hassan, professor of religious studies at the University of Louisville said, “The way Islam has been practiced, women have been left with battered bodies, souls, and hearts.”

    3. Also: Instead of having a free-form discussion on aspects of Islam in a place where a full-blown argument wasn’t asked for – feel free to email me at (thepeaceofislam@hotmail.com), and we can have a really great conversation (or fair debate, if you will) by email, instead of crowding Abu Ibrahim’s comment section. Thanks :)

    4. Angels don’t exist – that’s debatable, but I can tell you right now that they do not curse women for not wanting to sleep with their husbands occassionally!!! The angels are enightened beings and I doubt they get involved in gender politics..LOL!!! Men ans women ARE equal in all things and her body is hers. Why do you fear strong independent women so much? Just look at the terrible situation in Iran.

      Me is not wrong for coming to a muslim blog and having his/her say, it’s called freedom of speech and it’s the bedrock of our society. Comment edited for irrelevance.

      1. Freedom of speech governs the relationship between government and citizen. Not citizen and citizen.

        This blog is private property. If you’re going to spread lies and slander Islam, chances are I will edit your comment. Go start your own blog and rant and rave all you want.

        1. I’m going to ignore the angels comment, the Qur’an comment… The person does have a point about the sexual relations between men and women. Please consider what she (?) is saying. Perhaps stress the importance of sexual relations for men? And instead of putting it on women, discuss how both partners can improve their sexual relations. I’m sure plenty of Muslim women would not approve of the saying of angels cursing them and what not. women may not be satisfying their husbands as much because they are: tired (work, school, children, etc. etc.), they aren’t satisfied with their husbands, trust issues, and so forth. Maybe they need more help with the children and/or domestic duties?? There are plenty of variables Do you think God is going to be upset at them for that? I don’t think so.. All of the burden should not be put on women. These are things that need to be addressed. :)

    5. So funny you say that. Yet in the West… SEX sells. in particular EXPLOTATION of young womens bodies. Using thier bodies to sell products of all sorts. Isnt that a form of prostitution, is that equality?
      A women needs to sell her body to feel worthy to men, or that she can eve compete with men on a global scale she needs to sell her body for money to perverted sicko men. Well done!

      The fact that in the USA a western country 800,000 women are abused yearly by their partners! Majroty of which WHITE and mix of christian and athiest. So please do tell me how your society is helping women be equal? Becuase the FACTS state otherwise.

  8. Asalamu alaikum The only thing i have a problem with is if he wanted more wives!
    This is a great sight keep up the good work!

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam. Jazakallah Khair, and Alhamdulillah. I can understand you having problems with your husband taking on another wife. If that is in your future, please be patient with it and put your trust in Allah.

  9. salam thank u soooo much im 16 and im married and my husband is 17 alhamdoulillah thank u that really helped me cuss sometimes im a pain in a butt.

  10. Asalamu alaikum. I read your article but I am needing some insight. What if the husband is not intimate with the wife? This is all very confusing for me. I tried to get him to discuss this with me and it was hard but I finally got him to tell me he was just stressed. But isn’t intimacy supposed to relieve that stress? And today he called me while he was out and said I will be home in an hour and I am going to bring pizza.He did just that but he made the comment that “If I don’t bring something home to eat we will starve.” This hurt me very deeply to the point that I let him know this was wrong and he should not say things like that to me and yes it brought tears to my eyes. Alot of times on his day off he is here and there and he is not always interested in eating so I wait to see what he wants to do. He tells me often that “I’m not hungry” or “wait until I get home and we will figure something out together” Now I had to remind him that I do not have alot of options here to work with and I am doing the best I can. We cannot afford much right now so it’s tough not having much food in the house. Why would he make such an unfair comment towards me and not be sorry that it hurt my feelings? I am a muslim revert, btw and I know full well that being gentle with the wife and her feelings is very important. He has been muslim his whole life so I don’t understand how he does not see this as clearly as I do. Insha’allah you can advise me.

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Holly,

      I’m not fully understanding what is causing you so much anguish, but I do get the feeling that it’s bothering you a lot.

      Here are the problems I can derive from your comment:

      • Money is tight right now and you’re struggling to make ends meet.
      • You recently became Muslim while he’s been Muslim all his life and he doesn’t seem to be living up to the standards.
      • He says things that hurt you.
      • All of this stress and problems are becoming difficult for you to bear.
      • There’s a lack of intimacy.

      For the first one, money is a problem for many couples, especially these days. But you can change your wealth by changing your idea of wealth.

      I know it’s hard to not worry about money, but I’m going to give you some advice: look at the many things you have in life that so many others would give the world for. Think of your health, children, knowledge, and of course, the fact that Allah has guided you to Islam.

      Be grateful. And be patient.

      And put your trust in Allah. Do everything legal and halal that you can to improve your condition but in the beginning and the end, put your trust in Allah. Pray to Him for help and assistance and know that whatever He gives you is for the best, even if you don’t immediately understand it.

      For the second and third issues, I can only say that Muslims are humans and not all humans are good. Be patient with his aberrant behavior and advise him to do what is right. If you think it’s a serious problem, try to arrange for an Imam or Muslim leader that he respects to talk to him.

      But honestly, from what little you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like he’s saying anything all that bad. Maybe he could be a little more tactful, but it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to hurt you. Perhaps he just isn’t thinking when he says these things.

      For the fourth issue, I would also advise that you contact a righteous Muslim sister or teacher that you trust and see if she can advise you on how to handle this stress.

      For the last issue, this needs much more consideration. Why is he not being intimate? Is it because of the stress? Does he have too many things on his mind? Is his health okay?

      There are too many unanswered questions to really give a good answer right now.

      You may want to consider joining Rekindle The Flame which is a members-only segment of Islamic Learning Materials. Me and another brother put together several hours of video to help with these issues. Also, you’ll have access to this brother who has lots of experience counseling married Muslims.

      May Allah make it easy for you.

    2. AsSalaamu Alykum
      I hope I am not overstepping if I am I am sorry but I hate to see anyone distressed. I wanted to comment on him hurting your feelings by his comment. I went thru this with my husband and he still does it to me on occasion. I don’t know if reverts are more sensitive or if some woman in general are more so than others but I am very senstive to my husbands words. I sat down and talked to him and told him how he made me feel most of the time it was me being over sensitive. Other times he would try to be more careful next time I could tell but it will not change over night. And realize that you may be being really sensitive. Talking is the best because husbands do not like seeing their wives hurt just as we do not like seeing them hurt. I hope this helps. May Alah guide you.

    3. Assalamu Alaikum Holly,

      May ALLAH(SWT) guide and protect us. So, I came across this website and I think it is very well put together and may ALLAH(SWT) be pleased with you for putting it together Abu Ibrahim.

      Marriage is good for one’s Iman, so let’s keep that in mind. We as human beings man or woman are not perfect. As muslims our Iman tends to go up and down. You first stated that your husband isn’t intimate and he says he is stressed. Well personally within my own marriage, I tend to not nag my husband regarding intimacy and he lets me know when he is ready, but I struggled with this in the beginning. I keep in mind that he is a man, he works, and has worries that I don’t necessarily have regarding our finances. Sometimes men will not be interested and it not have anything to do with us, it doesnt mean they are cheating either.

      We are advised to look at the people underneath us, so lets reflect on this. No matter how bad our lives may seem, lets look at the people underneath us and this will make us so grateful for what we may or may not have Insha Allah. Marriage takes time to build and both have to be willing to make it work. Your marriage would also depend on if you have children or not, are you being abused, cheated on or what not. If you don’t have any major issues than your marriage should be worth fixing. Even when my husband may upset me, I think about other women who are in worse marriages and other women who don’t even have husbands. It is also good to do du’a, you may ask for your husband to be guided, for ALLAH(SWT), to put love in your marriage etc. InshaAllah.

      Also, after being married and having kids of my own, I have learned that intimacy is not most important in a marriage. The most important aspects which keeps my marriage together, is that we both fear ALLAH(SWT) MashaAllah. My husband he prays, without having to be reminded. He follows the Quran and Sunnah and he is ever changing to be better every day. I keep my kids in mind, and know that being married is part of Islam. May ALLAH(SWT)guide you.

      Also, my husband was born Muslim, they are still human and may or may not have alot to work on. when we remember we are not perfect, this will help us lower our expectations Insha Allah. Our marriages can also be a test on us, so keep that in mind. Let’s aim for paradise and forget the worldy pleasures.

    4. You should try to cook some good food for him, try to innovate. You don`t need much for this, prepare good food and feed him with your hands…

  11. AsSalaamu Alykum
    I am new to Islam and my husband is Indian and I am American and I am always trying to find things to help keep our marriage healthy. I love him so much but there is a culture differnece and I am trying to understand the respect. My term of respect and his are for the most part simular but I see where mine is lacking now. Your article was sweet and easy to understand. Thank you very much May Allah bless you for your efforts. I will be showing this article to him as well. Mash Allah just beautiful.

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      Alhamdulillah Sister Clair. I’m glad you were able to get some good from this article. Keep trying to please Allah first and be patient with your husband. We men have a tendency to try women’s patience.

  12. Salam I came across this website and many articles while looking up the wedding ring subject in Islam. I have bookmarked your articles, signed up and like you on facebook. My husband and I are always communicating not only because that is the only way we can (he’s in prison) but it does help us understand each other more.
    May Allah reward you for all you do to help us understand the opposite sex and the words of Allah (Pbuh).

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Jeniffer,

      May Allah bless you and your husband in your struggles. I know it can’t be easy maintaining a relationship while he’s in prison.

      Communication is vital to a happy relationship. I’ve talked to a lot of married Muslims (both happy and unhappy) and I always see that the main issue is communication.

  13. Nice article. I just want to point out that women also think and sometimes are attracted to other men, once they are married. I think it’s a natural thing that happens , after being married. Does it mean we are gonna cheat?? It depends, if there is no emotional connection with the husband it’s bound to happen. It’s not always about sex , it could be we are looking for someone to listen and understands us. And it leads to sex. But most women are faithful.

    1. Thanks for the comment Sam. I agree with just about everything you say. I think (and this is the “man” in me talking) that men when they cheat do so for “something new” or purely for sex.

      Women I think cheat more because there’s something they’re not getting from their husbands.

      In either case, we must be careful where we lay our eyes, hands, and bodies.

  14. Asalam aleikum,pls brother Ibrahim,i’m just married for 2year, and now i’m just knowing dt my husband has married someone even before we got married,when i heard instead of him to plead he said i should do my worst & dt i will only kill myself,also he had done it 2 d extent dt he doesn’t come home regularly,even when he around i’m d one that do ask him 4 sex,some he wil answer me & sometime he will abuse me,so pls i’m confused when i read this article i don’t just know what 2do whether 2 quit dis marriage or 2 continue,or if there are other means dt will make our marriage fruitful.

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Badirat,

      I’m not sure I understand your situation. Was your husband married to someone before he married you and now you are his second wife? Or was he just in a previous marriage that has ended and you are his second marriage?

      From the sound of it, it seems like he had another wife and you are his second wife.

      It is certainly not good that he kept his first marriage from you. He should have been open and honest with you about his situation without trying to hide anything.

      That being said, polygamy is allowed in Islam. While I know it can be difficult for most women, this is one of those things where we have to put our trust in Allah.

      However, you mentioned other things about him that need addressing. You said he doesn’t come home often and that he abuses you and that he doesn’t fulfill you sexually.

      As for him not coming home often enough, that would require more information. Does he know come home often because he has a lot of work and it keeps him away form home? Or does he not come hope often because he’s spending more time with his other wife than with you. If it’s the second reason, then he is being unjust and he is earning sins by not being fair to his wives.

      If he’s physically and verbally abusing you, I would advise you to seriously consider leaving the marriage. There’s no telling how far he’ll take his abuse and you may be putting your life in danger by staying with him. But make Istikhaarah and see if someone of knowledge that he trusts can talk some sense into him.

      And if your husband is not fulfilling you sexually, then that is also a serious issue in which you may want to consider divorce. But I would suggest using some patience on this issue.

      So there are three things we’re dealing with:

      • He’s not being fair between his wives which is a sin
      • He’s abusive, also a sin.
      • He’s not very good in the bed; not a sin but really frustrating.

      Given all this, you may want to consider divorce. But keep in mind being divorced comes with its own problems also. However, you should not be forced to stay in an neglectful, abusive, emotionally empty marriage either.

      May Allah make it easy for you.

  15. Assalam alakum
    I have been married for 12 years. We have had many ups and downs. He is a hard worker but it seems his life is more outside the home. Never really has enough family time. I feel like a single mom sometimes I do all of the work at home shopping taking care of kids etc.. We argu a lot especially when he curse my family and does not let me visit my family. And when I don’t have time for him and just exhausted at the end of the day after taking care of 4 kids all under the age of 9. He comes home late at night and I just want to sleep. He then curses me and my family. And threatens me with word that then keeps me up at night.
    What do I do. I try my best but it’s never good enough.
    I don’t want Allah to punish me because I’m not making him happy. But he is so unfair and hurts me so much with his words.

    1. Salam Maha
      First of all, I’m sorry to have read what you wrote. That’s a sad situation indeed and no good, loving, decent wife should have to put up with that kind of environment. One thing I’ve learnt about men over the years (and I am one!) is that many men are immature and don’t really know exactly what they want. Their minds can be full of nonsense and have little reality. Unless they’ve been guided right, especially by another man, they’ll tend to be irresponsible and make a lot of stupid mistakes. In such cases, regrettably, they need a serious wake up call.

      I know what it’s like to have a bad marriage and to try to continue for the sake of the children. Fights are ugly and when children are around, they are even worse.

      Can I just ask whether or not he ever tells you why he behaves like he does, says what he says and why he stays away from his family so much? Do you know why? It could very well be that he hiding things from you, whether someone else is in his life and he feels guilty (being bad to you is a kind of defense for him since he doesn’t want to be honest) or that something has been bothering him for a long time and he can’t get it out since he may feel you can’t help him. That then can result in a lot of ‘messy’ behaviour – his way of dealing with it.

      One final thing – I don’t see how Allah will punish one of his believers for doing her role when her husband is not doing his!

      Anyway, if you prefer to discuss this with me privately, my email is garykem30@yahoo.co.uk
      Your choice, but please, don’t suffer in silence. We love you.

  16. As-salam Brother
    what would be ur advice if been kind with all ur made point WITH MY WIFE (VISE-VERSE) she does not lesson and offer salah even keep saying and telling to live her job and makkng her undestand is that this my right given by ALLAH TO ME and UR DUTY IS TO LOOK AFTER HOUSE AND FAMILY OF UR HUSBAND….JAZK -ALLAH …WAS-SALAM..PLZ ADVISE POSIBLE ON MY E-MAIL.

  17. Assalamu Alaikum,
    Jazak Allah khair for the article and your efforts. However, I think you are heavily influenced by the West’s view of men and women. Everywhere I go, I hear that men want respect and women want love. I am a woman and I want to be respected. If I get jealous of my spouse talking about another woman or I wonder if he’s cheating, I am labelled insecure and jealous since women are supposedly like this by nature. If I talk about other men or do anything to make my husband feel threatened, people say I am instigating his gheyrah, or honor. In other words, I’m “jealous” for getting angry at the thought of other women but he is “honorable” for getting angry while imagining me with another man. I am not married but was in a relationship once. Because of magazines and articles like this one, I thought men just wanted respect so it got to the point where he thought I wasn’t making him feel loved, even though we were intimate. 

    As a woman, I want respect first and foremost. I don’t want to be “loved” when it might just be a man doing everything behind my back but being nice to my face. I want true loyalty and respect which in essence turns into love. I’m sure men don’t want their wives to pretend they are loyal or to pretend to respect them while they talk smack about their husbands to their female friends. That’s not true respect. Point is, men and women, regardless of their gender, want to be respected AND loved. It all really depends on the individual. Not all men are the same just as not all women are the same. Thanks again. 

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Aisha,

      Well if I’m influenced by the West’s view of men and women, then that’s to be expected since I’m American and have lived here nearly all my life. I don’t think there’s any one completely correct view nor incorrect view. We are all influenced by our cultures, whether we come from the West or the East or anywhere in between.

      I also think you’re confusing your arguments.

      First, you say I’m influenced by the west with by using the terms “respect and love” for men and women. Yet, you talk about how you always hear about “honor” and “jealousy.” These most certainly aren’t Western ideas; they’re quasi-Islamic/Eastern terms. So on one hand you criticize me for thinking like a Westerner, and on the other hand you criticize Eastern/Islamic thinking as well.

      It sounds as if you’re angry at both sides of the globe.

      You are entitled to your opinion. But they are just that – your opinion. You constantly used the word “I” in your comment. So this is certainly just the way you feel and is in no way a general feeling.

      This article is written primarily in humor, but also for a very general Muslim audience. I fully understand not everyone is going to agree with each and every single point I put forward. But these are general guidelines, that based on my many years of marriage, working with marriage counselors, and Islamic study would hopefully help Muslim men and women understand each other better.

      I really don’t want to pick apart your comment piece by piece, as the hour’s late and I’d rather eat ice cream while watching TV with my wife (whom I do love and who definitely respects me back).

      But your last paragraph is rather convoluted. You argue that love alone and respect alone are not enough; but the exaggerated examples you give are not TRUE love and respect. These examples you mention are false love and respect.

      And if I had to choose between my wife loving or respecting me, I’d choose respect. But hey, that’s just me.

      And Alhamdulillah, I’ve got both. 😉

      1. I am American too. Sorry if I sound confused/angry. I guess I’m just tired of hearing this stuff from scholars, the jealous and honor part. I kept using “I” because what I meant is that I desire respect in a relationship and I happen to be a woman. My point is that not every woman is the same. I just don’t want people to think of this as being completely black or white and to use this as a blueprint and ruin their relationship. I just think people should communicate and treat their spouse the way they would like to be treated. Nothing can go wrong after that!

    2. yes, I agree with your post. You did point out an unfair double standard. Men get to have the multiple wives, get to expect respect from their wives and the wives are expected to be patient and tolerate fantasies about other women, and multiple spouses. It’s funny that Muslim women can divorce their husbands for infidelity but that their husbands can still take additional wives. Taking on additional wives IS infidelity but women are supposed to accept that. I agree that men and women want both love and respect. Love and respect are not that different from each other. Respect is an aspect of love in action. Women desire this respect deeply. Respect includes gentleness, listening, patience, one wife, one husband, caring about the wife’s health, feelings, point of view, exhaustion, etc. A GREAT sign of respect by the husband toward the wife is NOT cheating by extramarital affairs or pornography, constant fantasies about other women; it is also takign only one wife; it is also refraining from demeaning insults, imprisoning her and not allowing her to see family, etc. Love on the husband’s part is providing material goods, protecting, caring, and yes, sometimes saying I love you, and physical affection. Love on the wife’s part is providing physical care for the children, providing nutrition, keeping the home liveable, saying I love yoy, and physical affection. We love and respect with kind words, patience, gentleness and understanding. Women do not want to be married to a man that, as stated above, plays the role of nice husband when with the wife, but then betrays this authenticity by regularly fantasizing about other women, taking other wives, having extramarital relationships, and such. Then it is a false committment. It is just as bad as if the man breaks the marriage committment by constant abuse in her face, constant insults, curses, refusal to see her family. Etc. In other words, Muslim marriage does not treat the wife as an equal to the husband. It clearly states that the wife is under the husband. Even in America where the wife is considered equal to men, this is qualified. In other words, Christian marriage teaches this: women ARE equal in VALUE and DIGNITY to men. This means monogamy in marriage, true faithfullness by both parties, full dedication by both the man and woman. The husband and wife are both called to love and respect, to be kind and gentle, to be open to life (marital act), etc. However, God put order in this, and men are the head of the household. If there is a matter in which the husband and wife disagree, the husband has the final say. However, that is also qualified. The husband has the final say and the wife must respect his fina decision ONLY if it is good and right according to God. So if the husband insists, for example, on viewing pornography and the wife objects. The husband is mortally sinning against the fidelity of his marriage. THerefore, even though he is head of the household and he decides he wants to keep viewing the pornography, the wife’s assertion that he stop trumps this. Because she is not obligated to follow her husband in sin, to agree with his sin, or to stay in an unfaithful marriage. SHe is obligated above all to love and follow God. She can choose to pray for him, to support him in recovery, to stay with him in the end. Or she can insist he quit and when he does not, she can leave. Both men AND women are held to the SAME moral standards in Christianity. There is no unfair oppressive standard for only the women.
      Muslim men may go out and about in the world without their wives around. The women then are called to trust Allah that their husband is faithful to them out there. This can be very difficult for the wives to have to do every day. However, Muslim men are not encouraged to allow their women out and about without being around. They are not called to trust their wives to the world and put their complete trust in Allah every day in this way. I do not think the men appreciate the great trial that these unequal standards are on the wives.

      1. You wrote a long comment and you didn’t break it up into paragraphs. I guess I could do it for you, but that’s gonna take too long.

        Taking on a second wife is not infidelity. You’re making up your definition there. It’s not infidelity in Islam law. That’s really all I care about. I have no idea what Christian law states, but then again, there’s no such thing as Christian law.

        You also mentioned how one aspect of “respect” is to only marry one wife. So essentially you’er saying our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) who married multiple wives, disrespected his wives (which one?). And not just him, but most of the great and illustrious men who fought and struggled by his side.

        Now that you’ve effectively insulted my Prophet, my religion, and my holy book (from where the allowance for polygamy comes), I know where you’re coming from.

        Christian marriage is whatever an individual wants it to be. There is no “standard” in Christianity. There are churches that now perform gay marriage.

        How the heck can anyone take you guys seriously when you have priests who sanctify the marital union between a man and a man and a woman and a woman?

        Don’t tell me anything about Christian marriage. It is whatever you and the other guy and that other person want it to be. You guys play with your faith and say “God loves us” and “God wants this.”

        While you’re busy trying to talk about how “wrong” Islam is, Christianity is slowly disappearing from daily life. Rather than worry about us, how about you go get your own house in order? You have the audacity to spread your filthy lies about Islam, and talk how good and just you Christians are. If you’re so good and just, you wouldn’t have to spread lies about Islam.

        I rarely if ever talk about Christianity on this site. The only time I even bother to bring it up is when I’m explaining the difference in our beliefs regarding Jesus (pbuh). But the only way most of you Christians can justify your false beliefs is by making up lies about Islam. You guys trot out the same drivel over and over again.

        Islam oppresses women. Islam has a double standard for women. Islam hates women. Muslim men are cruel and evil to their women. Blah, blah, blah.

        Yet, we all know that oppression towards women is not limited to the Muslim world. And every Muslim woman knows that most Muslim men treat the women in their lives pretty decently.

        This very same religion that is so unfair to women, makes it obligatory for men to obey their mothers. Disrespecting our mothers is one of the worst sins a Muslim can commit. Even if our mother’s are not Muslim, we still have to respect her and can’t say a word of dishonor to her.

        Islam is the truth. Period.

        1. It is infidelity as in America only one wife is accepted….So they can’t double dip by cheating as that is the only thing they can do…

          And before your married that woman how do you start to date her? Don’t tell me you will wake up one day and get a woman without even have feelings for her first…and if you have feelings for another woman while you are married that is plain infidelity…

          I have read your answers as an author you should listen to both sides of argument and not acting like a smart jerk..You are playing with people’s life here..there are people with serious problems and gooling come into your post let them see the both sides of the argument and let them decide and not you trying to polarize everything that doesn’t sound good to you as a men..

          1. America can’t make something haraam that Allah has made halaal, just like America can’t make something halaal that Allah has made haraam.

            The US also allows gay marriage throughout much of the nation. Does that mean we change Islam to accept this? Of course not.

    3. yes I agree with you..Love and respect from both side is very important. I have been blind folded by my husband of 6 years. He has been doing everything perfect in front of my eyes never to know he has been cheating to me with another woman since I was 4 months pregnant.. I knew something was wrong because just after I got pregnant he started to reduce time to spend with me and the intimacy was suddenly gone. I was thinking he was scared of pregnant women…There was no touching again. When I initiated he turned me down…..Then came the baby…he started to find excuses to be out all the times….The one who says intimacy is not important in a relationship hmmmm fool yourself he is getting that from another woman…When he comes home he is just bang bang bang you….thank you mom……

      After the baby we took more than 17 months before we started to make love again and he was avoiding me so much. All we were doing was just plain sex and once after three four weeks…and it was boring because it was like I was just forcing him….

      I kept trusting him and reading books. Our relatives are thousands of miles away….Why all these changes and i thought being a new daddy has something to do with it or maybe me putting this much weight…I started to loose weight nothing changes but still he was still doing so much in taking care of us but nothing to do with me. Then just 10 hours before my birthday my whole world crushed. He was sending a text message to this other woman and mistakenly sent that message to me. I asked him what was all about and he denied to even know a person by that name…He said maybe someone hacked his phone and send stupid messages to people on his contact list…

      I wasn’t so stupid so i called his best friend who he has been using these so many excuses everyday when he is out….He was shocked and he was so apologetic but he told me he once asked him if there was something going on between him and that woman and he denied. So he believed him because they have been best friends since they were little kids.

      It is a month now and he still does not accept this..He still says maybe someone who doesn’t like him wanted to ruin his life and he is looking into this…. But all in a suddenly now he comes home early, there are not this all staying out to watch games with friend. Staying out working late etc etc….

      Now that I am thinking all these times whenever we were going out to different places with our baby he used to act like he was so bored and he kept checking his phone every time. Every time I was asking him why don’t you suggest where to go next time but he kept telling me no you just choose…..I am not a noisy woman and believes that if someone wants to cheat will do that no matter what ….All this time I never knew his phone now has a password…So when I asked him why, he then removed the password…..but just found yesterday another iPhone 5 stashed in somewhere….

      Guess what respect is very important…I am tired and done with this gimmicky….I know my daughter will be proud of me for taking this courage one day ….

      Respect goes both ways

  18. Vary novel get it even as a witty married womean of one year as of last month lol I am a 28 yr old American country girl I was brought up to respect my self an your husband will love an respect you too . that there’s a fine line between loving your man an loving your self in him that true love is when he will bring you every thing an anything he can with in essentials an if the budget lets for more he will give it to you out of love that by working together for something more then just the norm he learns to open up to you in ways that.not even his own mother o er father have ever even seen! that in it self is an amazing feeling an experience an I felt like I was falling in love anew . we have.dated for about 9 years an have only been married for.one however I know in my Hart of.Hart its forever! .

    1. That is a nice story Beth Anne. I agree that a man who truly loves his wife will go above and beyond to please her.

      Just to clarify for the Muslims who read this post, that dating is not allowed in Islam. But I do wish the best for you and your husband.

  19. Great piece. I’m really glad to have found your blog as it is an inspiration for me, as a Muslim blogger myself, to produce helpful articles of benefit to people. Very enjoyable read.

  20. I never believed Islam was a sexist religion until I read this article. I cannot believe that Hadith about women being cursed by angels for not sleeping with their husbands! I wonder if this comment will be censored….

      1. I feel sorry for you, from one Muslim person to another, please stop using the Quran to offend others who wish to share information from ones perspective.
        Inshallah you stop hurting people.

          1. No Abu ibrahim,ignorance is only in eye of the beholder. Allahillah is the one who choose those for education and you as a Muslim have the obligation to be kind to all of Allah’s creation regardless of their perception. Having read all the articles some ” Muslim” commenters are causing disrespect to the rest of our society. I’m only asking you to be fair, if you are putting yourself in the position to educate, regardless of your opinions you are as a Muslim are required to be sensitive. Thus you should control those that are insensitive, remembering all are born as ” Muslims” have respect for your follow human being.

          2. What??? These people are saying evil things about Islam and the Quran and you want me to be kind to them? Are you crazy?

            Heck no! H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS NO!!!

            If you want to play nice with these enemies of Islam that’s your business. See where it gets you. But if they’re gonna come on my website saying evil things about Allah and His Messenger and His Book and His Believers, then you can bet I’m either going to trash their comment, or give it right back to them.


          3. Perhaps it would be better to just delete and block these trouble makers. That way we will all be happy including yasmin!

  21. Assalam alekom,
    Thanks for a very nice article, i’ve been married for 4 years and alhmdllah we fought alot as we love each other also. The traditional gap is most of the cause of our problems, in my indonesian culture is diffrent than his arab culture, besides, we were living long distance between jakarta and jeddah. But alhmdllah he can see me every 3 weeks and stays for 5 days. I always pray tht allah will save him while he is away and protect him so.only the patients and pray (salah) , is the best solution and the best way to solve the problems.
    We do communicate as many as possible in a day. Sure its cost us alot, but to maintain the marriage is the most important things.
    This article convince me more that if sometimens if he is thinking alot about the money it does for our future., becos sometimes the syaitan comes thru our mind and brings negatives thought..
    Jazakallah khair

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Amalia,

      Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. May Allah make it so you and your husband can live together in peace and harmony, Ameen. Arguments will happen in every marriage, even the most loving ones. But the important thing is not to hold resentment for each other and forgive each other and make sure neither person violates the rights of the other.

      May Allah bless your marriage.

  22. Your post actually slightly disturbed me. First of all, you premise some of what you say based on the notion that the man may take a second wife. While I am aware this actually happens, for an Islamic site, I would have hoped you would present the facts properly. The hadith that speaks on this basically says that a man can have more then one wife if he can treat them equally. However, because he CANNOT treat them equally, it is not possible. Yes, people think about the idea of others, fantasies and enjoy some eye candy but really, if you fear Allah, you will fear doing anything wrong to your spouse. Also, women, do not fear your husband will take on a second wife, and if he considers it, show him the hadith. Can he really treat more then one woman equally. If so, he will have to walk around with a stopwatch and many other resources to ensure that each women gets the IDENTICAL treatment. This is simply not possible. You do not have to do certain things out of fear your man will find someone else – you are worthy of a man that will love YOU and will treat you the way you deserve. I couldn’t even read the rest of your post after that. Way to misrepresent. argh.

    1. How about this Siu Hif…you show us that hadith. And then show us the scholarly explanation of that hadith that supports what you wrote.

      You cannot. Do you know why? That quote is not a hadith. It is a verse of Quran. So you’ve already shown your lack of knowledge by not knowing this very popular statement (I’ve heard the same stuff from other people) is from the Quran and not from the Hadith.

      Since you don’t even have this basic knowledge, you obvious have no right giving any scholarly opinions about Islam.

      Now, as for the tafsir behind that verse you alluded to (albeit, incorrectly) it is agreed upon by all four major schools of Islam, that men are allowed to marry more than one wife. And this commandment to treat them equally does not mean that a man has to treat them the exact same way in every little thing. Where if he buys one wife a bag of rice he must buy the other wife the exact same bag of rice.

      It means that if he has two wives, he must provide for them equally and spend an equal amount of time with them. So it would be sinful for him to spend a month with one wife and a week with the other.

      Now, unless you understand Islam better than Imam Abu Hanifa, Imam Malik, Imam Shafi and Imam Hanbali, I’m going to reject what you have to say, and accept what they say instead.

      As for fearing Allah, you should be very, very careful of that yourself.

      And who is more unjust than one who invents a lie about Allah or denies His verses? Indeed, the wrongdoers will not succeed.
      Chapter 6 verse 21

      1. AsSalaamualikum. I would like some advice regarding my marriage. I am a British Bangladeshi and my husband is from Bangladesh. We have been married 4 years with a 3 year old and inshaAllah another on the way. However we fight over money a lot. I earn and work more hours than my husband. He only contributes a fifth of his monthly wage and I spend the whole of my wages on my home, my child, bills, my own clothes and loans to my dad and uncle for lending me money to buy my home. Previously I was with my parents who live comfortably Alhamdulillah but there was no privacy hence buying my place. My husband wanted to stay at his inlaws purely because he did not contribute and sent all his money to Bangladesh to his brother and family to keep their family going although his brother works too. To this day my husband lies to me about sending money as his other brother and sister do it on the sly. They are never nice to me or respect me as a sister in law. I was burgled a month ago and then again yesterday so my husband accuses me of organising it as my gold and laptop was stolen. My inlaws say I did it so he will have to buy me more gold. Alhamdulillah my parents have given me enough in my life. Now I married surely I am my husbands reponsibility? He is the provider? Anything I earn I can contribute if I wish? We are both practising but my husband does not respect me or even provide for his child. My parents buy her everything not him. Now he reached my daughter to say why doesn’t the thief die ie he keeps referring to me. Plus he lies a lot to me as well as the fam. I can’t see how I can live with him??? He is not fulfilling his husband and father duties. Even had the audacity to accuse my dad of also stealing. Please please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. He talks bad about me to all and I have spent my life savings on his studies and this home for us. But all he is interested in is his brother n his family. Please help. Jzk

        1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Sister Farhana,

          I am truly saddened to hear that your husband is such a miserable person. Everything you’ve said about his duties is correct. While he may be practicing Islam as far as his prayers and fasting, he is obviously not practicing Islam regarding his marriage.

          I believe that in your culture, divorce is looked down upon and it can be difficult for a divorced woman to remarry. For that reason, I will not advise you to seek a divorce just yet.

          But to take some practical steps, you can try to get someone to council the two of you. Perhaps there is a local Imam or learned Muslim or a Muslim marriage counselor that you can both go to for help. From what you’re telling me, you have to get an unbiased third party to listen to both sides and advise your husband of his responsibilities.

          Of course, you must make dua and pray to Allah for help and relief from your suffering. And you must also know that whatever hardship you bear in this life with patience, will remove some of your sins and lead to rewards in the next life. So you should understand that despite going through these difficulties, there is a way for you to get some good out of it.

          However, if you’re doing all that you can do as a Muslim wife to advise your husband and show him the right way to act, then I suggest bringing in someone else to talk some sense into him.

          And if that is not possible, or if he is not willing to change, then perhaps you may have to consider divorce. But I don’t want you to rush to that conclusion without exhausting all other options.

          May Allah make it easy for you and give you what’s best, Ameen.

      2. just read the blog, haven’t gone thru all the comments but the last few, what siu hif just said here, may be not the true reference, but is correct, and the excuse given by mutaqi al islam is kind of strange.
        ok, if we take the Quran literally and cant think deeper than whats between the lines then we can think to the level mutaqil islam just did, about time and provisions, and i assume he meant grocery and commodities kind of stuff, however what Allah said here is that treat them equally in all aspects not only in size of grains etc, but you wont be able to do so, its written there, if it was about time and stuff that wouldnt be a big problem for most and wouldnt be in there, its about the emotional aspect of a woman or say human. A man obviously will be more attracted to the new younger wife, this is going to effect the other wives much , she will be disturbed and when a woman don’t feel well emotionally this effects her ability to raise kids as well, that’s the most important part of raising a good society. Islam emphasize this much in all way. So brother Mutaqi, unless you cannot understand the human aspect of Islam fully pls don’t ridicule ppl for your ego sake.
        Men are not allowed to marry 4 times in Islam just because they can have fun with women but in dire situation where the society need protection for women like widows,divorcee, etc.how many of you do this for sake of Allah but your desires?Do u know , i bet you do, that Prophet(pbuh) married to all the divorcee or widows or women older than him? just Hazrat Ayesha(pbuh) was not, and he admitted that he wanted Ayesha more than others( if i said it right here), so let me tell you a woman dont need your money and time until you cant emotionally support her and love her ,thats what the marriage is about, its not an institute to satisfy your animal instincts and have an ATM machine or a unpaid maid.
        So , when u marry more than once, remember, u buy them same bag of rice or different but this should not effect any of them emotionally or psychologically, if it does then you will answer Allah,..and u will never know whats in the heart of a woman.

        1. Wait, wait, Nadia.

          So you can read between the lines of the Quran, and I can’t? What, do you have some super-special knowledge I don’t?

          All of you Muslims who are speaking against polygamy really need to be careful. You are trying to deny something that Allah has allowed and that His messenger practiced as did his companions. It is something all four major schools of Thought in Islam permit and every major scholar of Islam has said it to be allowed.

          What you are saying is just from your emotions. You can logicalize it all you want and bring up all sorts of stuff regarding ATM’s and bags of rice. But in the end, you’re just not able to submit to this one thing that Allah has allowed.

          Stop reading “between the lines” and just accept what Allah says wholeheartedly.

          Allah only put one restriction: “If you fear you cannot be just, then marry only one.”

          That’s it.

          Everything else is from your desires and emotions and logic which have nothing to do with Islam.

          1. .And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].

            may be i am a woman so i can see that there is just in Quran for us as well, its not the book for the men only
            .. it says clearly what is more suitable,…..That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].

            .Every muslim knows how many rights a woman has in islam yet they can only think of multiple marriages when it comes to shria. i am not against polygamy,i accept whats there but i do not accept the logic men interpret , men are not encouraged to marry coz they can enjoy multiple women, there is a reason behind it and a solid reason, when they really need to help someone, not just coz my wife cudnt understand me thing,prophet Mohammad (pbuh0 showed it in his sunnah
            ….. remember women is also given the right to khula, if she is not emotionally (or otherwise)satisfied she can ask for divorce equally and go n marry another man,what do u think will happen to institute of marriage in that case specially when kids are there????
            so its not recommended to do so its just allowed in case if really needed….
            well to read between the lines or to understand the soul you dont need to be a rocket scientist or a supernatural just a sensible mind is enough, we close religion in in a box though Islam is much more than this, its the most modern and original religion where everyone can survive.
            Many here might not know that the rights of a wife in Islam is so high and so many that if a man really fear God and attempt to fulfill those all, he wont even dare to marry once rather 4..
            A muslim woman has no responsibility in her household other than raising good muslim kids,she s not bound to earn, do household work,be an obedient servant inlaws, she can demand a seperate house,husband is responsible for her maintenance and care,To love her and to keep her on right path as he will be asked for what she did…. how many brothers here are capable of doing so or bear this?
            .do not compare urself to prophet he had 13 wives and then he could keep them equal , but not everyone living here.

          2. You sound like you’ve been reading too many “women’s rights in Islam” articles. As I mentioned before, your comments are full of emotion and not scholarship.

            I’m not even sure what your chain of logic is. It sounds like you’re just reading certain verses of the Quran that you think agree with your own brand of Islamic feminism.

            A muslim woman has no responsibility in her household other than raising good muslim kids

            That has to be perhaps one of the most dangerous pieces of advice to Muslim women I’ve ever heard. If anyone were to follow this advice, they would certainly wind up with a failed and unhappy marriage. Which most likely will result in them NOT raising good Muslim children.

            I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m going to advise my Muslim sisters to not listen to this crazy Muslim Feminism drivel.

            If you want success in this life and the next, first put your trust in Allah. Obey Him and His Messenger (pbuh) by fulfilling His commandments, submitting to His injunctions, and busying yourself in worship. And if you have the time, try to learn as much about this deen (way of life) as you can.

            Then work hard to please your husband, especially if he’s a good man, and he’ll work hard to please you. This is especially true for young Muslim women just starting out in married life. Don’t start off on the wrong foot and by the time you’re in your mid-30’s your anger and bitterness is ruining your life.

            And at the same time, work with your husband to raise good Muslim children.

            This may sound like old-fashioned advice, but it works.

          3. brother you havent even given a logic in reply to my questions but just adviced to be obedient, so dont worry iam, iam not against polygamy at all but its nota just for fun.

          4. but just adviced to be obedient

            I think my comment was a little more nuanced than that, but you can boil it down to “just be obedient.” I think it’s a good thing for Muslims to “be obedient” when it comes to the commandments of Allah and His Messenger (pbuh). After all, Allah did say:

            The only statement of the believers when they are called to Allah and His Messenger to judge between them is that they say, “We hear and we obey.” And those are the successful.
            Chapter 24, verse 41

            So you can sit there and use your “logic” to read between the lines. I’m going to “be obedient” to Allah and leave it at that.

            I advise any other Muslim who wants to be successful in this life and the next to do the same.

          5. doing something for a long time doesnt mean you are always correct..islam do not imply any duty for taking care of household on woman, its her favour go see it, if a woman rely here then its all emotions and if men do so its logic wow….i am no scholar and i am no feminist i do my house work and work as well and i do it with my will, but what right is right ,its not a duty for me, bear it this is the thing islam has given to a woman, u are a scholar yet u speak to ppl in a tune that make them feel bad u right away call them crazy and things , where in islam it says to talk like that? may be you get emotional when someone tells you that whats right……in islam marriage is a congregational relationship not a slavery, iam answering you with the same knowledge and sources where you get it from.knowing your rights doesn’t mean that you are going to end up in failed marriage and unhappy, many women who study know this but live a happy life, male version of Islam isn’t all about happiness…. here is something for u and all…The duties of a wife toward her husband, according to Islamic law, are well defined. They do not include doing any cleaning, ironing, cooking or any other household work. Marriage is a contractual relationship which allows a man and woman to fulfil their desire in a legitimate way. If a woman takes an undertaking which prevents her from meeting that responsibility, then her husband has the right to prevent that undertaking.

            Someone may ask at this point: Who is then to do the housework? The answer is twofold: If we are speaking strictly from the points of view of rights and duties, it is not the duty of the woman to do the housework in her husband’s home. If he wants that work done, he has to see to it that it is done. Life is not all about rights and duties. There is much more in the marital relationship than duties and rights. There is what Islam terms “companionship based on goodwill”. It is under this heading that he duties and responsibilities of the family are divided between the husband and wife. When we ask for guidelines on this particular point, they are readily available.

            At a certain stage, there was some disagreement between Fatimah, the Prophet’s daughter and her husband, Ali who was the Prophet’s cousin. They presented their case before him, requesting him to define their responsibilities for them. The Prophet (Pbuh) said to his daughter; “You do the work that must be done inside the home, and he does what needs to be done outside.” This division of the family work is both fair and practical.
            so its all goodwill nothing more , the main purpose and duty of a woman in household is to raise muslim kids and o give them her full.,if hse belong to a home where she had servants then its better for husband to give her the same lifestyle as well…so now how many here will think pf marrying again?
            like it or not but truth is truth go search it.

          6. here is something more
            Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:
            35 Men are the ‘qawwam’ (protectors and maintainers) of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard (their chastity, their husband’s honor, property, etc.)
            It is the responsibility and the duty in Shariah of the men to provide the food for the womenfolk under their care, and they may very well ‘request’ the women under to care to cook or prepare the food; the women is well within her rights to accept to fulfill the request of her guardian and prepare the food if she wills to do so, or if she wills, she is well within her rights in Shariah to refuse to fulfill the request.
            If the woman fulfills the request, she would be acting over and above her role and duty and the men should appreciate and be grateful for her gesture of ‘ehsaan’; and if for any reason the woman exercises her right to refuse to cook and prepare the food, it would remain the duty of her guardian men to provide or arrange to provide for her food and upkeep.
            It is an almost accepted norm in most societies that it is the duty and responsibility of the guardian men of the household to earn and provide for the financial upkeep of their families. If a male guardian (husband for instance), whose prescribed duty it is in Shariah to provide for his family, sits at home and expects and commands his wife to go and work and earn and provide for the family and the wife exercises her option to refuse, it would not constitute ‘disobedience’. Similarly, if the wife exercises her option to refuse to cook or prepare the food, which is the duty of the male guardian in Shariah, it would not legally constitute disobedience in the Sight of the Lord.
            and mind it i am talking about the housework not the rest of the duties, to protect the hounour and obey her husband.

  23. Hello,

    I have to agree completely with Siu Hif, although I do also agree with some points made by Ismail. There is nothing purer than the Quran, the ahadith only reinforce what is in the Quran, therefore, trust what the Quran says more so than the ahadith as that was ‘man-made’. In Surah An-Nisa Verse 4:3 it clearly states (various translations):

    Sahih International: And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please
    you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those
    your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].

    Pickthall: And if ye fear that ye will not deal fairly by the orphans, marry of the women, who seem good to you,
    two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that
    your right hands possess. Thus it is more likely that ye will not do injustice.

    Yusuf Ali: If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two
    or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that
    your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

    Muhammad Sarwar: With respect to marrying widows, if you are afraid of not being able to maintain justice with
    her children, marry another woman of your choice or two or three or four (who have no children). If you cannot
    maintain equality with more than one wife, marry only one or your slave-girl. This keeps you from acting against

    I quote an article (http://www.islamology.org/Overview/Women/Polygamy%20in%20Islam.htm): “In general, Polygamy is not allowed if it will become a destructive behavior and carelessness. And the husband who is misusing it, he is basically misusing the law. In such case, the impious human is the problem not the law itself” which is usually the case in most polygamy relationships…

    Given the time period we are in, polygamy is IMPOSSIBLE fullstop – we cannot compare ourselves to the Holy Prophet, that is just insane. He could do it because well simply he wasn’t like you and I.

    Now, if you want to completely deny such translations, then how can you possibly believe the words of men who took notes on the leather of skinned animals. These are the Holy words of God, not of men.

    Shall I also bring to your attention another point which I found to be somewhat insulting to women; the one about men having fantasies. As a muslim, practicing or not, one brought up in that environment they certainly know the sins of even thinking about women who are not their wives. It is not permitted to deliberately think or fantasise about sinful matters–especially matters related to relationships with the opposite sex. Just like actual sinful actions are sinful, so is thinking about sin. Allah Most High warns us in the Qur’an that, “the hearing, the sight, the heart — all of those shall be questioned of.” [Qur’an, 17.36]

    That point made by Ismail, just reinforces the brainwashing done by the Western cultures, that it is ok to have thoughts of other women, lust over other women, imagine a life with other women…if you want respect, then at least have the decency to COMMIT your entire self. Not half here and half there….that is not committment, that becomes a mundane chore; a responsibility – not a relationship.

    I find it rather comedic, males in theory might be ok with their wives thinking of other men, I wonder how you would feel if you two were intimate and she was envisioning some other man. Yeah, it does not sound rather pure, honest, respectful, loving, caring and all the things a dutiful muslim should be to her significant other…and vice versa.

    Anyways thats my 2 cents :)

    P.s I am also a muslim female married to a muslim male, and marriage is not so black and white. Its much more complex than 7 points! If only it could be :)

    Thanks for the post.

    1. You don’t have the right to declare for every person on the face of the earth what is and isn’t impossible. Especially when there are many glaring of examples that go contrary to your statement.

      There are many Muslim men, here in the West and elsewhere, who have happy polygamous marriages. So right there, you theory of “impossibility” is blown out of the water.

      Faster than light travel is currently impossible. Being fair to multiple wives in a polygamous marriage is not.

      Furthermore, it wasn’t just the Prophet (pbuh) who practiced polygamy. Many of his companions did also. He knew about them having multiple wives but he never discouraged them or ordered them not to do so.

      I’m not denying the translations. I’m denying your analysis of these translations. Instead, I’m going to take the analysis of Muslims who I know are learned and studied in Islam.

      Bilal Philps:

      Siraj Wahhaj:

      Yusuf Estes:

      Sheikh Muhammad S Munajjid (Islam-QA.com)

      I’m really kind of tired of answering these polygamy questions. If you Muslims refuse to submit to the will of Allah and accept His commandments because of your emotions, that’s up to you. But as for me, I’m going to continue preaching and teaching what is obvious from the Quran and Sunnah.

      Not your analysis of various translations.

      1. Really makes me chuckle when the final defense to your argument is “don’t analyze, don’t use logic, dont contextualize, dont think”, but just follow the book that was written 1000 yrs ago without using your brain.
        On the other hand, I’m very pleased to note that there are several sisters willing to question these edicts.
        That is the only way society and civilization will progress

    2. BTW, you are way off by stating men will be punished for “thinking” or “fantasizing” about other women. That’s a bold statement and you really need to bring some proof besides, once again, your analysis of a translated verse.

      Allah does not punish us for “thinking” or “fantasizing.” How unfair and unjust would that be?

      What about the virgin boy who fantasizes or thinks about his soon-to-be wife? Are you saying Allah is going to punish him for that?

      And to top it off, I’m going to bring some real proof.

      Abu Hurairah related: “The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: ‘Allah has permitted my Ummah what occurs in their minds as long as they do not say it nor act upon it.”

      Ibn Abbas related: “The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: ‘If someone intends evil, but does not commit it, they are rewarded for one good deed.'”

      Why would Allah reward someone who intends evil but changes his mind, but then punish someone who only thinks it (and it might not even be evil) and has no intention to commit it? Does that sound like justice to you?

      I’m going to ignore the insulting remarks you made about me being brainwashed and leave that up to Allah. I could easily retort in just as nasty a fashion, but instead I’ll ask Allah to forgive you for your ignorance.

    3. very well said jauj, thats what i say, its not islam thats not rightt but the male version of it, whats written there clearly is right but whats the soul of the islam isnt, while its clearly there that you will not be able to do so dont go for it so the first half is good to go and last half is not that imporatnat in the same verse..wow..

    4. As salaam mualaykum, Subhanallah! good post however after reading the comments im a bit disheartened at two things one, so many of us are on here to complain, about our supposes and yet not one of you thought about being the garment for him/her is this not one of the reasons why we got married in the first place? secondly I to think that the 7 points are not all it takes to make a marriage work, this ridicule on behalf of any spouse out there wanting to make it work.. Yes these are good points and there is some good init, however it takes allot more then just listen, obey, sex, respect, etc… its a lifetime JOB to work at it each and every day.from the husband to the wife to the parents/inlaws to the children…When we get married not only is it to bring two people together but also families, tribes, countrymen, nations, etc…look at the lives of Sahaba RA infact look at the Nobel life of Mohammed SAW… People it seems like we walk with blinkers on our whole lives.. its time to wake up and see the truth for the truth and if we cant beg Allah to grant us this ability before its to late…

      Now, someone will ask ok so what do I have to say about this thing called marriage and how to make it work there is no comprehensive answer to this but a life long answer called a Muslims Life his guide the Quraan and Hadith. – my advice is in two points

      1. FEAR ALLAH – even in this matter because if you fear the one who has created you and your spouse then surely you would not abuse your partner as he/she is the creation of Allah an unto whom is all our return. He/she is not your property and when death comes to either of you then your nikka is over so is this person your slave? NO they not he/she belongs to Allah just like you do. and know that you will stand infront of your Lord and in this there is no doubt. So when Muat comes to you would you still like to abuse him/her? When the scales are brought before your eyes would you still like to known as a usurper of rights? When your scrolls are infront of you would you still want to curse, hit, fight, and steal, etc your partner? and this brings me to the next point

      2. Their rights – know what rights he/she has over you and do not demand more then that as that is a bonus and a mercy from Allah to you, if they give you more then just what is required by Allah leave. Know this each person will stand alone infront of Allah you will not be asked about someone else deeds but rather of your own. Did you fulfil the rights of your partner? so be mindful of your duty to Allah his Nabi, your parents and those who have rights are over you…so just these two things and if you want more then point 3..

      3. go back to point 1.

      With these two points how can you go wrong Islam has given the answer, and no the above post is not all that Islam calls you to… theres so much more…


  24. I stumbled across this website and found this article interesting but antiquated. A double standard does not suggest an equal relationship can exist in such relationships. If the terms were changed to What every woman wants from a Muslim husband and the same rules applied in reverse most men would be outraged. A woman can demand sex when her husband feels tired or sick? A woman who has worked all day should be appreciated for providing for her family. It is fine to accept that women will think about other men and take another man as her partner. Women do not have to express their feelings or attempt to communicate as that is really difficult to do. Understand that it is perfectly reasonable for a man to stay at home while his wife meets her friends or travels by herself and eyes off other men with a view to finding a second husband. If she buys an ugly shirt, wear it. Support her and be blindly loyal even if she embezzles money, attacks your friends, decides to be a nude model and wants to marry your best friend. Respect and support are needed from both people to have a healthy relationship, and where the terms are unfair then it would be hard to be the one making sacrifices to allow the other to have what they want on their terms only.

    1. Well, since Muslim marriages the world over tend to last much longer than Western marriages (where the divorce rate for first marriages is 50% and even higher for the second and third marriage in the United States), I’d have to say we Muslims got a better handle on this thing.

      And since your IP address says you’re from Australia, let me advise you that the divorce rate there is over 40%.

      So you can keep your Western marriages with its gay unions and lack of concern for the poor and elderly, and I’ll stick with Islam.

      1. Longevity of marriage is not everything…having a happy and mutually respectful relationship albeit short is worth more than being in 50 years of abusive & misogynistic relationship that is held together only because of shame or fear!

        Regarding polygamy, whatever the prophet said was relevant at that time, when there were so many war widows and orphaned children. The only sanctuary such females had was to enter into another marriage with a married man.

      2. Muslim marriages last longer than western marriages because they aren’t allowed to divorce. DId you see “Divorce Iranian Style?” Women can only divorce their husbands if they’re insane or infertile. Now you know why the low divorce rate.

        1. That’s not true at all. Muslims do divorce, and both men and women can initiate divorce.

          You shouldn’t use Iran as an example. It is mostly Shia which is barely 15% of the entire Muslim world and their Shariah differs markedly from the Sunni Shariah.

          Anyway, you’re just trying to blast Islam, so what you say has little relevance.

      3. I dont think muslim marriages throughout the world last longer because of love. They last longer because women are ostracized and frowned upon in society when they are divorced. And women don’t usually have rights, job opportunities, etc. so it is difficult for them to function in many muslim countries if they get divorced.

  25. So if don’t feel like having sex, I should force myself to have sex with him otherwise he will hate me and the angels will curse me? What a nice religion….

    Do you realise you are just talking about how women should please men? What about men caring about what a woman wants?

      1. u made ppl feel so, whats the point in writing let him think about other women..o wow .. dont get jealous, its ok, what if he brings in another wife, the whole emphasis of article is on rights of men.

        1. This WHOLE article is about what “MEN” think but do not say! Do you not get that? Its NOT about the whole relationship. Its NOT about the rights and responsibilities of BOTH partners. This article is about JUST ONE ASPECT. Why do you guys all get your undies tied in bunches over when someone so much as mentions what men *might* want their wives to know but dont say???
          I dont get the haters here.
          geez people.

      2. God loves everyone! Men and women, in Gods eyes we are seen as equals. Our life shouldn’t be involved with pleasing men as a chore. A man that loves his wife will not force her to do something she does not want because it could be painful. God preaches to love one another. What kind of relationship advice is this? I believe in respect and that’s what makes a relationship work. To respect one another. God wants us to love and to be humble and when you criticize every one that might disagree with you or that might have a different opinion by calling them a bad rash, that doesn’t make you a humble man.

        1. Whatever. If someone criticizes me it’s one thing. But if they criticize Islam, Muslims, Allah, His Book, or His Messenger (pbuh) it’s something totally different. I’m going to speak out against them. Why don’t you advise the person above who disrespected my faith and the faith of millions of others to have respect?

          Pardon me, but I think I’ll let Allah do the judging as to who’s humble and who’s not.

    1. Fulfill your duty to Allah. Love your husband and treat him well. If you do these things, his heart will never leave you. Perhaps his mind may wander a bit, but his heart will always stay with you.

      1. Asalamualaykum everyone… Let me tell you this article is sooooooo sweeeeet. Masha’Allah
        Reading 6 am in the morning. It put a big smile on my face. JazakAllah for sharing. May Allah guide us to act upon this!!! Sisters get going Insha’allah! Make your hubbies happy Insha’allah

      2. I have had worse times, i loved mu husband even before we got married. So he always told me truth so before marriage he told me that he has a non muslim girlfriend with whom he does sexual relationship. He told me this because he did not wanted my life to be upside down. I did fell bad about his girlfriend because i love him too much, and i want him to be happy.
        After our marriege he still goes to his girlfriend, which i am trying to stop him. His girl also likes me and buys gift for me,
        All my husbands love is toward me but his happyness is toward her. Im happy if he is happy , even by his girlfriend, im only worried about sin. So i i told him to marry her too, i dont know when he will do that, i hope soon.

        I know peoe will call me crazy but i love him too much even if he has girlfriend.
        Sometimes i also tell him to bring her for dinner.

        In future even if he wont love me i will still love him and do everything to take care of him.

        1. I understand your reasons for giving so much leeway to your husband. But that is not the right thing to do.

          Love is a strong emotion and it can be both beneficial and dangerous. In my opinion, you’re letting your love for your husband ruin you.

          Your husband is committing sin by going to this woman who he isn’t married to. As a Muslim woman, you should not tolerate this behavior. He is openly violating the commandments of Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).

          If he is so comfortable committing a major sin (adultery) what other sins is he committing? Does he pray regularly? Does he fast during Ramadan?

          Is he the type of man you want your children to emulate?

          You must put your love of Allah before your love of your husband. He is bringing sin and corruption into your home and into your life.

          I would suggest you insist that he stop seeing seeing this woman and that he repents from his sins.

          After that he can either decide to marry her as a second wife or stop seeing her altogether. But that’s something you guys will have to work out.

  26. I have a question, I am married to a Muslim, I am Christian, and I love my husband, do what I have to do to make him happy, but my husbands family (cousin’s, and other family comes before I do). When I married him, he promised me the world, but he will only take me out to have coffee once a month. Anywhere we go, has to be where he decides, and it always ends up that we go and eat with his family, while the things I would like to do get brushed aside as not important. He won’t go and see my family (because they have dogs), and my family is also 5 1/2 hours away. So I am alone here, no family of my own, no friends. I have talked to him about this, but I only get an, ‘I’m sorry, next time we will go out.’ But nothing ever changes.

    Now his mom is here from Jordan, and he has been over there everyday of the week, and he leaves me at home, with my grandson (who I have custody of), he will only take me on the weekend if my grandson is not here. I am at a loss of what to do. So alone, and I feel so neglected.

    What can I do??????
    Any advice would be appreciated!

    1. Thank you for your comment.

      This doesn’t really seem to be an issue of different faiths; it just seems your husband is a little distant and doesn’t follow through on his statements.

      You said he does promise that “we’ll do something next time” but nothing ever changes. This is an indication that he probably doesn’t take your requests seriously which is flaw on his part.

      It should be understood, that where your husband is from, Jordan/Middle East, the extended family plays a very important role. And in Islam, respect for the mother is paramount to everything else, except for respect to Allah and Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). This may sound strange to Western ears, but it is the truth. However, your husband should seek some way to find a balance between his duties to his extended family and his duties to his immediate family (you and your children).

      The coffee once a month thing sounds kind of rigid. He really could loosen up a bit with that.

      As for him not wanting to visit your family because of dogs, that’s going to be a little harder to overcome. Dogs are generally considered filthy animals in Islam, and many Muslim cultures shun them. It is very much unlike the west where dogs are kept as pets and sometimes even considered part of the family. I can tell you that this will not be an easy thing for him to get over. It is a cultural thing that everyone needs to work together on.

      Perhaps your family could promise to keep the dogs away while the two of you are visiting. If they are willing to do that for him, perhaps then he will be willing to visit more often. All parties will have to be a little grown up and sacrifice a little to make this work out.

      And talk to your husband about his broken promises. If he makes a promise to you, he has an obligation as a Muslim to follow through. Hold him to it and remind him when he falls short.

      1. What should I do, I am 24 years old and have given birth to 4 beautiful kids (two girls and two boys). I love my husband more than anything else and have respected and gave him whatever he wanted when ever he wanted (emotionally and physically.) He told me that he’s getting a second wife soon and that he should let me know because that only fair to me and that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me and its also what prophet Mohammed peace be upon him did. I would understand him getting a second wife if I have been unfaithful or not pleasuring him enough or if I’m unable to give birth to any of his kids but he has all that and thats why I cant accept it. Him and I are Muslims and he prays fasts gives zakah and all that but I hate the fact that he is engaged and to someone who is 16 years old! I can’t believe how some men are so inconsiderable about women’s feelings. If women were allowed in Islam to have more than one husband of course the men would burst in jealousy and get extremely mad that it would lead to divorce, but when we get jealous and mad they think were going overboard and we shouldn’t let our emotions show too much!!! How can they say that?? Can’t they see that the more worked up we are just shows how much more we love them and don’t want to give them up to somebody else???

      2. AS I read a few of the stories above and I wish I had a problem like one shared .Im a practising muslim woman who loves her husband very much and I have been tested severely in this marriage because my husband is a heroin addict.He converted to Islam and abstained from drugs for 5 years but unfortunately he relapsed and now he has left me for 9 months alone.When he is praying and fasting and reads quran he is kindhearted ,loving and very good but he goes out when there is stress or for no real reason and disappears, sometimes going back on the streets homeless.It is the most excruciating almost agonising pain to see your praying loving good muslim husband become destitute and evil. I have supported him and helped him with business as I work and provided a beautiful home for us and this I accept because I married for companionship and to have a good muslim husband ,not for materialistic needs although Im not suggesting you cant marry for financial reasons.You probably wonder why I am still married to him ? I know that my husband is a good man but is lost and overpowered by shaytan .I have left him but always return because I am attached to his heart and as illogical as it seems , I love him very deeply.I cannot talk to him about the points you describe above because I am just happy he is still alive. I treasure his presence and pray for him in sujud .He has been a good husband to me when he is clean and religious. I myself have never taken drugs and dont go near any intoxicants.my home is islamic. I am now at the point that I dont think I can continue our marriage because Im so very tired of it even though my love for him has not changed .I know that Allah has a plan and I know that Allah has put me in this marriage for many reasons.I am learning the deen through life experiences not just in books.To forgive when you want revenge, to have mercy when you want to show anger, to be angry sometimes for Allahs sake even if my husband doesn’t like it , to show love when you receive no love , to speak the truth even if it makes you unpopular.When I think of the deeper reasons for my marriage I realise that Allah wants me to learn very big lessons that cannot be learnt in an islamic book.I dont tell any of my muslim friends because they would be horrified and my work friends have no idea because drugs and drug addicts are despised but I know that there are many muslim women having the same secret like me.
        And even though I am angry and outraged and disappointed and heartbroken with my husbands decisions I still respect him as my muslim husband and give him his honour even if he thinks he doesn’t deserve it.

        1. Habiba,
          You sound like an amazing wife. But I have to say as a person reading your story, you are putting yourself and your children in extreme danger by staying with this man. If he is shooting up heroin and other drugs on the streets, you are extremely vulnerable to HIV and other viral infections when he returns home, either by having unprotected sex or by him even getting cut and spreading the virus somehow(smaller chance). But either way, at a minimum, you need to seperate from him or get a divorce. This is a safety issue first and foremost.
          May Allah swt make your life easier and show you the right path. But after all said and done, you have to think of all the people who are dependent on you first: Your children and other relatives, and then think of him. He needs professional help as well as to be a lifelong member of some support group. An addict is never cured. Its a constant battle and only the very strong willed make it through. You need to take immediate action to protect yourself and your loved ones first.
          Good luck.

          1. Hello Jake
            Thanks for replying,I havent been on the site for a while so just read this.Well he has left now after I found him stealing my credit card and taking cash and camera,I cant live with a thief.The man I love has gone to another world, he is now just a low life junkie who has no scruples or morals.Its very sad but thats how things are.As for myself, Im recovering and feel some peace.As for HIV and other diseases I refused to sleep with him after I discovered he was injecting to protect myself.I love myself too and even though I love him ,I refuse to allow him to destroy me.I have a good job, a lovely home am starting my business ,have family but have no friends ; not by choice but its difficult to meet new people particularly muslim women.So thats the area Im going to improve .
            Thanks for the reply

    2. You should have think twice before You got marry. I almost married muslim guy, and today I’m thanking God that I didnt do it. They are so different…I dont understand, You have grandsons? so what about Your kids? Maybe you could spend more time with your children,and this can make your days more happy. This guy definately respect his mother, his tradition and his way of beeing more than You.. I am sorry to say it, but that is what he is showing by meeting his family so often, by not keeping promices etc. The dogs?? maybe you can ask your familly to keep the dogs locked somewhere, while you are visiting them. Than he wont have any excuse… lets see how it works. Or maybe ask you mum to move to your place for some time? as I know mother in this religion is so important, so he cant say NO. if he say NO, leave him. You dont deserve it.

  27. I found this article completely by mistake, but I have to praise the points you have made here! :) They apply very well to relationships in general, not only to Muslim husbands (even point 6 can be applied to other things e.g. encouraging him to have good health). All wives would do well to read this article and live by these points as much as possible! (Of course, the husband should also make an effort to be the kind of man his wife can be loyal to and respect. ^^)

  28. Muttaqi Ismail brother, you do not present yourself as a real Muslim. Real Muslims are humble, open, and gentle and you are mean, obnoxious and self righteous. You have an ugly attitude in many responses. I say this with truth to advise you. May the Lord guide you…ameen.

    1. Everything you write is being recorded by your angels. You will have to answer to Allah for this statement. Rather than worry about what I write, you should worry more about yourself.

      1. She is correct borther. You come across as being very obnoxious, judgemental and condescending. Angels ARE recording and its best that you check yourself before too much gets written. Attacking people who dont agree with your points of view is NOT the Islamic way. Just be gentle and respectful in your disagreements. You are disparaging the image of Islam and muslim men more by your rude attitude. So you best check yourself before you wreck yourself!

        1. No, she’s not correct.

          She’s not correct to say I’m not a “real Muslim” or even to hint at that given that is a door to kufr or hypocrisy.

          Even if my responses were too harsh, they are nowhere near as bad as what she said.

          And I try not to be harsh with people who disagree with my opinion. That’s fair game.

          But do come strongly against people who are either openly hostile against Islam or attempt to corrupt the message of Islam for personal reasons.

          Certainly, I agree that my anger may get the best of me at times (I deal with hundreds of these emails) and I should be careful. But I do try very hard not to say something that is truly un-Islamic.

          When it comes to people attacking Allah’s Book or Allah’s Messenger, I’m going to give it back as bad as they delivered it.

          As for Muslims who are just ignorant and say things out of emotion, yeah, I can tone that down some.

          I don’t agree with being gentle with people who are not gentle with me. I’ve learned that no matter how nice and kind Muslims are, there will always be people who hate us. Therefore, I have no desire to go soft on those who hate Islam.

  29. Assalamualaikum I have been married for more than 3 years and he has not been supporting us ever since we met. He gets a job here and there but he spend all his money for himself and give them away. I ask him why don’t you take care of us, he said you can get help somewhere else. is that what muslim man support to act?. He smoke a lots and get high so much. He goes to masjid, pray 5 times a day. everybody knows him around here the masjib he goes too. some brothers gives him money because he tells them he has wife and kids to support but he use that money to buy lots of cigarrettes instead. He is proud that he get gov assistance, I am not. I have to ask people for help to get food. sometimes I feel embarrassed to beg people for this. I have 3 kids,
    He was doing great during the ramadhan. after that, he stays home watching the dawah, doing jolla with other brothers and smoke. If I ever leave him, he would take all my children away from me.
    can you tell me what should I do? many thanks. Jazakamullah Khair

  30. Assalam o Aleykum,
    Muttaqi! you are doing a great job by writing these blogs as many are taking advices silently even if they are not replying to you over here. Having read your blog and few other people comments i also thought to give it a go to be open in a public forum for a first time and i hope to hear valuable comments from my brothers and sisters inshallah.

    I am 25, male and my wife is 26. We have been married for 8 months now but not living together and my marriage is in great trouble. Reason why we are not living together is that just few days before marriage, she had a good job offer so we agreed that we will move together once she has one year experience so it will help her getting a new job quicker when she move with me (she is from different country). its only half an hour flight so we were used to see each other on every other weekend etc so it was not that bad.
    Since day first she started doing complains after complains over so many little things. I first didnt bother them much thinking it will take time to adjust and once we are together she will be ok but she was getting worse and worse. i did my best not to give her a single chance to complain but then she started making issues of things where i didnt have any control at all.
    just to give you an example, she complaint why my sister gave her a cheap dress as present and buys expensive one for herself? i explained it to her gift is a gift dont make it a big issue and i assure her that anything she wants just tell me and i’ll buy for her no problem if its shoes, jewllery, clothes you name it. then i actually buy her many clothes thinking she might be shy not telling me what she wants but even then she went direct to my sister and made an issue of that gift that why it was a cheap one?
    I did best i could not to give her any chance to fight but she would create an issue and argue with me and if there is no issue to find she will just fight on the issuses happened in the past. I deleted all my females friend from facebook just in case if she will be thinking i might be having wrong relatiosn with them. Whenever she visits me I would give her my 100 percent time and attention and wouldnt even attened my phone calls from friends. she still complains that i dont give her time and dont speak to her much when she is away. i changed my habbit and start talking to her on phone before starting work in morning, during my break, after finishing work and before going to sleep and talk for hours and hours and did this daily and consistently but still if at some point i am busy doing paint in my room or giving hand to cousin moving his house or visiting friend she would complain that i am not giving her time and not talking to her on phone 24/7. it has given me a lot of tension and depression. i failed my professional exam that my company sponsor me for and started losing my health as well.
    in short, in our matter, money is not problem. i am ready to fulfill all she wants. i never asked question about her spending i wouldnt take a penny out of her salary i didnt restric her to the things where generally women complains in western countries (i allowed her to go out friends and wear whatever she wants to wear etc etc).

    Having said all that, my patience crossed the limit when she started misbehaving with me, she actually swear at me, disrespect me and shouted at me. she has asked for divorce from me countless times (she wouldnt mean it i think) every time when she fights with me. everytime she said sorry and promised she wont say that again but she did it over and over again asking me to divorce her. then she would argue that she swears at me and asks divorce not because she mean it but because she was angry and wanted me to realise how wrong i was doing??
    This time i said to her that it was her last time, i have already given her a lot of chances thinking she might get mature or something. she did something again that hurted me a lot. now i am very confused. if i go ahead giving her another chance that means she will be moving here with me leaving her job and if then things doesnt work out then i will get double blame that she has lost her job because of me etc. she still claims that she loves me though. i might not be a good muslim but im very soft hearted person and basically i dont want to regret later that i did wrong with her by giving her divorce. even if i give her divorce i still think of her and dont want her to risk her job etc, i have so many ways to ruin her life or blame her and so many things in front of her parents like she did to my parents but i just cant do that its just not me. I am honestly distracted from my daily routine life, depressed and hollow dont know what to do here.

    1. asalam alaikum. i was laughing when i read this because it is so wierd she sounds just like me. my husband and i are apart at the moment and we have alot of problems the longer we stay apart and the longer we stay together… i started cursing at him alot too. i think u should call her every day and tell her u love her every single time u hang up the phone. Tell her that u both need to make a plan to make it work and u both need to agree like 2 phone calls every day with u saying u love her and in return she will not disrespect u. i am married over 3 years now and still this happens but im trying to control myself and he is as well i think it’s because we are getting to understand each other a little more and also willing to work for the better. Any more questions i will be happy to help u :)

  31. Hello,
    I am a divorced female,my prev marriage was ended by me..because he was emotionally, verbally abusive.was interested only in my money and a whole lot of other issues.its been past 5yr since i ended the marriage…I have difficulty trusting any man when it comes to marriage. and I am not meeting any muslim men to my liking, my parents are trying to arrange a match for me, nothing seems to be working…I feel I just cannot trust men anymore,everyone seems to remind me of my ex…i dont knw if this is even the place I should be posting this…:(

  32. Really? Muslim men are the head of the household? I can see that in many cases but that is not true for every case. Can someone help me understand this? I work full time at a high ranking position in a high ranking company (i am muslim), my husband stays at home and cooks and takes care of our adopted child. How does that make him the head of the household, i consider us equal. Why is there priority to one over the other? Completely unfair…unless someone really explains this to me.

  33. I’ve been married for 15 years and have 6 children (13, 11, 10, 5, 3 and 11 months). I have been disrespected a lot by my wife’s words and treatment of me. I have had patience with it all these years but recently she begun speaking badly of me and my past sins in front of my children and as a result I pronounced divorce. After weeks we reconciled our differences and got back together but although, promises were made her behaviour began again soon after.

    She accuses me of very lude and disgusting things and swears a lot at me including calling me derogatory names. All arguments have always lead to her asking for divorce no matter what the reason was to begin with. She has even tried to make me very angry by saying the most hurtful things possible to try and make me pronounce divorce there and then (happened many times). I have fallen short in the past due to pornography but have not returned to it for 7 years and she knows that. She also acknowledges the reasons for that were not just my fault. I also returned to smoking outside the home secretly as an escape – but now stopped. She has told the kids about these sins in anger in front of me, and in a frenzy will blurt out other unsubstantiated claims to the point that I am afraid to engage her in argument and just stay quiet or leave the room/home. She does not make excuses for me and protect my honour in front of the children.

    I am trying to stay together for our children’s sake and we are in a Muslim country now struggling to benefit our family with Deen and Arabic. We both work (together) and have very good salaries now after a very difficult year here. Now we are able to do as we like and financially there are no problems but our home is a constant battlefield and she has no limits with her behaviour. I am unsure of what my options are, I know that seeing parents like this is not good for our children. I have feelings for her and know that when she wants to she can be all that I want. I don’t care about her fulfilling the duties in the home and I do some of the housework myself (we had a cleaner until recently) but her constant attack on me physically (looks: I’m good looking but have put on some weight) emotionally (by belittling me in front of my children, fat, ugly, perverse, lazy, bad Muslim, from filthy background, had a bad father and upbringing) and my authority (I have no say in the home) is having its toll on me. I have told her I will not take another wife and sworn to Allah on it with witnesses for her peace of mind but this has not helped.

    I have told her I will not divorce her and if she wants to seperate than she can apply for a kullah. She said she will and has vowed to make my life hell untill it happens and said she doesn’t care if it is haraam to do this. I know that some of what she says is from anger and my sins have made her very suspicious and caused her to lose her trust in me but I dont know if I can continue like this much longer. For many years now I have worked towards making our family better and I paid for our higher qualifications and struggled through them with working part-time so that we could move abroad and have a better life but this is not what I expected from her. I am very depressed and she keeps digging her heels in, sometimes I think I’m losing it when I see her do things maliciously, how can anyone treat another person so badly. I am afraid for the kids future and the pain of divorce for them, but I know theyre suffering right now. Thanks for reading

    1. Hey, I just read your comment and it touched me as it is similar to what I have seen around me. I would like to ask you if you have talked to her sincerely about how you feel. You have shared a lot of detail concerning your marriage and it shows that you really want to work things out and receive help. As a Muslim woman, I can understand her perspective and this is due to a lot of pride and a bit of egoism if she constantly critizes you. The past is hard to forget, which is why I would advise to avoid bringing some parts of your past back to your present happy life. You got married because you love her and she loves you, so you have to believe that both of you are made for each other ( regardless of the past sins) as nobody is perfect. Her attitude is indeed not the right one so you should try to understand what makes her act like this. As i truly believe it is the shaitan. Who are the people she hangs out with? Are they constantly negative? Advise her about who she should spend her time ( do this in a good manner, you have the right you are her husband- an you should say this proudly- this can increase your self respect and show her you care). tell her that her attitude is not appropriate. She might also nt be content with herself at this time and this is very common with females. You should show that you respect yourself deeply for her to respect you- but dont mix self respect and arrogance. It takes time and it’s all part of bieng married. But if you really think nothing is possible to reaolve it, then ask for advice from believers around you before you divorce.

    2. Assalam-u-alaykum Abu Zayd.

      Please be patient because ‘Allah loves those that are patient’ (3:146). Allah says in the Quran ‘Do you think that you will enter paradise without a test? (2:214). This could be a test from Allah. Every family has problems. But then again someone could have done black magic to try separate you from your wife, so read verses 7 and 8 from surah 8 (an-faal) 21 times each day. If the reason is not black magic then the reason for your wife acting the way she is could be for a number of reasons. It could be because she wants to hurt you because something you did agitated her. Someone could constantly encourage her to annoy you because they hate you. She could have been brought up this way – try to see how her sisters and brothers treat their husbands/wives. To be honest, i have noticed some women want to say what ever they want whether it will hurt the other person or not. You could buy her a gift so she can realise that you want to stay with her even though you want to stay because of your kids but she won’t find out anyway. Then, if she is still awkward with you try explaining to her the rewards of avoiding some of the bad things she is doing-e.g. ‘Whoever conceals [the misdeed of] a Muslim, Allah shall conceal his misdeeds on the Day of Arising. (Hadith narrated by Bukhari). If she knowingly does things that are haraam, then you can’t really do much about her, but you could try to make life easier for your kids by buying them gifts and teaching them deen. This is just some advice coming from an 18-year old male.

      One must also be grateful to Allah because some people have had their wives/brothers/sisters killed in Syria/Palestine so life is tougher for them compared to us. I hope this helps. Take care. Salam-u-alaykum.

    3. All women want kindness and, having been married to a Muslim for many years, I can say that Arab men are too harsh even if they have the best intentions. If you pray five times a day and go to the Mosque, of course she will be angry about your indiscretions. You should make amends. Appreciate your wife and she will return her affection a hundred fold. And communicate kindly what you are thinking, what you are hoping for.

    4. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles but I have one suggestion. I think if your wife will agree you should take her to a doctor and discuss what is going on. I suffer from mental illness and much of what you have described sounds like what my husband and I have went through. With medication and understanding things have gotten much better and I am very thankful to God for that. She may not be able to control herself when this anger hits, please consider it an option and best of luck to you and your family.

      1. what mental illness do u have? i seem to treat my husband the same way like i dont trust him and i try to hold it until eventually i cant anymore…. but when he cries (which only happened maybe twice) i feel so sad for him and makes me love him so i hug him….

    5. Its sad to read your comment bro, may Allah reward your patience.

      I was raised by a single mother, who taught me to bow down to nobody except Allah, nor should i bite my tongue for anyone.

      My wife was like yours and I was like you, Wallahi.

      I loved her so much, which is why I put up with this humiliation, but I asked Allah to remove this love, since it was makin me weak and get humiliated.

      He gave me the strength to call her bluff, she threatened me with divorce and I told her to leave if she wants, Allah will look after me.
      I went thru hardship for a few months, but she came back and ever since then, she has never done it again.

      You need to get some balls bro, women actually like it, but to imagine, but they like us more when we act like the testerone driven beings that we are.

      May Allah help you.


    6. I read your article and i must say, im sorry on your wifes behalf. Women should respect their husbands no matter what the reason is. Her actions make her a worse person than what you were in the past. I almost cried reading what you wrote i have never seen such disrespect from a person. I think that she should stop working because sometimes that triggers anger in a woman. She should also pray, if she does then she is not doing ot right. When Allah is in someones heart so much so much disrespect is impossible to be revealed.
      If you are still married, I think you should take her out alone, without the stress of kids and talk to her, let her know your sorry for your past and you married her to be your future. Tell her she is your world and it hurts to a world with so much hate and terror. Your children are victems, in order to fix your future you both must fix how you are to eachother. We all make mistakes, and Allah the all mighty forgives us, we are just humans nothing to what Allah is, how is it that we cant forgive. If it can be fixed, fix it today better than tomorrow. I hope this helps:). May Allah help us all.

      1. So sad to hear. She sounds very stressed, probably because she has so many children aswell because it sounds like my mother. She has children around the same age as yours. She sounds stressed out to the max, work and looking after that many children or coming home to that many children and her husband. How does it all work? She should ditch work. Does she get tome for herself? Sounds like something on is going on in her mind and her heart that you don’t know about. Its no excuse for her undermining you in front of the children, where’s the respect. Very sad akhee. May Allah make things easier for you both, you seem to lovely her very much that’s sp sweet. These problems happen time and time again in marriages because the communication line gets shot down, sounds like somewhere along the line you may have slowly started to loose things in your marriage like respect, love, loyalty etc. I couldn’t imagine how a wife could love and care for her husband and family and work in your situation, the first priority should be the family, and if things aren’t working there then she has to sacrafice. Maybe see a counsellor and he can drill some things into her head.

        All the best inshallah,

    7. salam , staying for the kids is not a solution, it will mess them up to grow up in between arguments, respect must be there as well as trust but principle is respect, i think u can both turn to Allah, make tauba, and ask Allah to guide you, but if she wants to divorce even when she is not angry than dont oppress her and release her in kindness and be there for your children and Allah knows best but if the kids grow up seen so much disrespect they will disrespect also, and the will be misguided in marriage values

    8. you must look at the good over the bad, but speaking ill infront of children is unacceptable, have you spoken to someone of knowledge, am sure she has her version there are two sides to every story, just try your best, if its not working out than you both move on, kids can still have a good life with both parents in it, every marriage has a problem, and as one of the comments mention about palestine/syria this is separate to your marriage and it dosent mean because others are suffering that u should put up with abuse, a lot of the problems is lack in knowledge, i just had a baby 5 months ago and i got a 2 year old i am a bit over weight and my husband wont come to me, but you know the problem is thr actions not the problem like he could still cuddle me, and so on but he dont even share my bed, but a lot more going on just i wanted to mention coz she should not put u down , mental abuse is very serious specially to a man, coz they dont cope with emotional distress as we do, and i think that ofcourse ur actions pushed to be like this and she had sabr for u, but she should forgive u and respect you , and if she cant than dont opres her brother, my husband wont give me a divorce, i dont want to divorce but he cant love me how i need/deserve and am in very bad way emotionally , physically, spiritually, in every way because am not happy in my marriage and i cant even get away, its not easy to get a khula sometimes and this causes more war and makes the heart heavier, u both need to sit and clarify and either come to agree to work it out or separate(not divorce) few months and see if you really want to divorse,,,,thats my advice as your sister in islam, Allah know best and may Allah forgive me if am wrong

    9. Salaaam just came to read wat ur talkin abt. Best ting is u leave the family Home for a bit . She will want u back. Talk to her abt How u feel. Listen to her as will. Try to her work things out . I promis if She love u She will want u back. Take this for from a woman.

    10. Hi Abu,

      I do not have words to console you. It’s easy to say but it’s hard to be in your position. When god gives so much of pain he is preparing you for something greater. May be when u come out of this pain you would have attained a greater state of mind with which u would be able to help yourself, your family or even more than that. I will pray for you.

      From your unknown brother,

    11. Hi Brother, I just found this site now and saw this. I thought maybe we can both help each other out. Can I ask how things are now? The way you spoke of your wife- I am guilty of the same things, I am not a bad person, I was hurt by my husbands actions and became untrusting, I started to think and analyse things for myself. This got me know where And infact he became distant and ignored me and treated me like I was nothing. So I changed but I am also scared I can’t trust him, he is still so distant from me and I feel he didn’t realize he committed the sins and wrongs but I lived with the consequences. He just never would understand because I can’t do the things he did, I am more honest and open with him. He have a son and I see the way he loves him, but he doesn’t love me anything like that.

  34. I enjoyed reading this and all the comments. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I am not a Muslim but I have a male friend who has recently converted. I am female. I think it’s great he’s found what he’s been searching for. I just miss being able to give him a big hug. It took a little time to get used to. I miss the relationship we once had but I wouldn’t change anything. He looks and sounds the best I’ve ever seen him. It’s wonderful!

    So, any advice on the friend level?

    1. Hi Penny

      A good thing to talk about to your revert male friend would be about Religion. Seeing as it’s compulsory on every muslim to convey the message of Islam, you should ask him questions like ‘How can you prove Islam is real?’ or ‘What made you believe there is a God?’-(only ask this if your an atheist because if your a Christian, Jew…etc that wouldn’t make sense because you already believe in God.) This way, he can gain reward as a muslim and at the same time maybe this will keep you good friends. Obviously, don’t debate too much to the extent that you have an argument. I hope this helps. Take care my sweet sister :)

    2. In response to Abu Zayd ‘s story. As I read your story I couldnt help but feel pity for you. How could a wife be so cruel and disrespect you in front of your children like that, i asked myself. Especially since your children are of age to understand what’s being said. However, once I continued to read I understood your wife’s actions were partly due to the pornography in your past. You see, I experienced a similar situation with my Muslim husband of one year. We are both converts to Islam and being surrounded by a western society where pornography was a normal way of life for a single guy like husband before We met. Once we met, We dated for two years, had a son, began studying islam, made the shahada and married. One month later, I found that he subscribed to a pornagrahic website. I confronted him and he felt horrible, he knew how it was harum and Promised never to do it again. A couples month past and he did it again. Same thing, apologies and promises. Now a few months back, this time I found pornagraphic videos on his cell phone.

      You could not began to imagine the affect this has had on me, my marriage, my self esteem. I often blame myself, (maybe I am not pretty enough, maybe he is not physically attracted to me. Anymore ) i constantly relive the disgusting images i saw on the sites. i began to think he was physically cheating on me with women or when we are out in public, that he is secretly fantasizing about other women that pass by.

      Day by day we are trying to rebuild our marriage. But I can’t help but feel like your wife… the lost of trust. And sometimes hope. If she, after seven years, is still coping with this, then I must have a long road ahead of me. What men do not realize is the selfish acts they partake in for none other than their own personal gratification can have a long term harmful effect on the ones they say they love. Once you marry, things no longer involve or impact just you. But TWO.

      At this point all I can do is pray to Allah to rid me of such ill thoughts and feelings towards my husband and help me rebuild. I advise you to continue to be patient with your wife, continue to love her even when she is doing her worst. In time, she will become exhausted from her malicious efforts and love you the way she once did. . Inshallah.


      1. I sister I just want to say u completely understand what you are saying. I have been married over 5 years and nothing has changed and now it’s me, my husband and son. I pray that Allah swt gives me the strength to let go of the pain and hurt my husband has caused, I pray that I can move forward and not remember the past. Thank you for sharing your story sometimes I think I am the only person feeling so clueless and suffering the consequences of of his sins. I’m not a perfect person, but I try hard to improve… It’s so hard when the trust is gone and you feel like they don’t care…

    3. Penny, i think you are very lucky to have a good friend like him and he can still be your friend. Since you said that he’s been the best that you’ve ever seen him, my advise to you is to find out more about what it is that made his life so much better. It might be beneficial to ask him about Islam just to have an understanding what it is all about. It is the fastest growing religion in the world after all. He should be happy to talk to you about it as it is our duty. It is always difficult for reverts who are starting a different life to not get distracted from practicing Islam the right way without any distractions. So often times, we try to stay away from bad influences that we used to do or general things that are our weakness in order to focus on a spiritual journey. It is not to say that we want to cut people out of our lives but want to meet more people that share the same beliefs and to increase our own knowledge. Life is a constant struggle and it starts with you.

    4. Hi Penny

      Congrats to your friend. Why dont you tell him of your feelings. Good and righteous guys are hard to find these days and it sounds that your friend has found peace in Islam and any physical contact with opposite gender who’s not related to him is forbidden. Why dont you ask him what he thinks of you and do you think that he’s interested in you. Muslim men are allowed to marry the people of the Book like Christians and Jews.God willing perhaps through him you will find peace in Islam too.

  35. Abu Zayd,

    Your wife is simply hurt………………… deeply hurt! When a muslim woman acts like a mad woman, its just too deep and painful emotions she cant handle and you probably caused it. If you want peace in your home you need to be very patient with her, soothe her pain and gradually heal and build the trust back. You have to be willing to take a bit of crap from her during this healing journey otherwise it will only get worse. Only a woman can advise you on how to handle a woman just as this writer has told us how to handle men as well. However I find it very hard respect my husband as he has hurt me deeply for the past 10years in sooo many ways. If you want respect from a woman, act respectably. Respect is not automatic, its EARNED!

  36. my wife is very good she is honest and very nice she does everything for me and she loves me and i really love her more than anything in this world but i get angry over little little things and its causes an argument but i dont mean to hurt her intentionally but today we had a argument i dont want her to use the phone at night when we go in the bedroom becouse thats the only time i have with my wife to spend with we both work and we be out during the day and then in the evening we spend time with the family she text her brother today and when i asked her who you texting she said its my phone i text and ring who i want and we had a argument and she said she will get abotion she wants to get rid of our child our love who is not born yet ive begged her and asked for forgivness but she slept on a seperatley today she hasnt talked to me since then what should i do please need some advice A.S.A.P please it could ruin our lives please jazaq allah khair.

    1. Hi I read what you wrote it touched my heart a little. You expressed how much you love your wife I also loved my husband very much and now I am seeking a khula. He also did the same on his iPhone every night never giving me and my kids family time. His priority was his family back home. I think you should give your wife a bit of space she’s going through hormonal changes and pregnancy does make you do and say thing u don’t mean. When I was pregnant with my forth child I used to say I want to have an abortion but I didn’t mean it I just wanted my husband to love me and respect me. Buy your wife flowers and small gifts and show her your love I didn’t get all that al I got was abuse. It’s a shame even after 15 years of marriage we couldn’t work things out anyway bro hope things work out for you salaam

  37. My husband doesnt want sex….its me who always initiates sex after long weeks of waiting and thinking he will but he just doesnt.I want sex atleast 4 times a week and I get it once a month.you are not right.
    He doesnt think about other women…well may be becoz sex is one of his priorities.

  38. My husband questioned me on a few friend’s I have. I clarified all he knows that I only have girl friend’s no boy friend’s, but when I questioned him on a girl he’s been seen with a few times. He said I had nothing to do with this and in the end he said he does not care if I sleep with other guy’s. I was quite upset at this, I don’t know why he said this and how he could even think about this. What do you think is going through my husbands mind?

    1. It may have been a knee-jerk reaction, though it was a rather inconsiderate thing to say on his part. There must be more to this story. I don’t think anyone would just blurt out such a thing without there being some other facts making him think like that.

      Please contact me with more info if you’d like a more in depth response.

  39. @kamran

    She shouldn’t blackmail you with abortion threat. Give her reference from Quran and Hadith about abortion. Tell her you asked her right thing as husband and she should understand.

    Unfortunatelty women from Pakistan and Indian origin are turning monster due to bad influence of flity Indian drama series and Bollywood movies. Try to avoid these flity crap in your household if you want to save family and next generation. Try to watch discovery, research based and educational channel which will benefite everyone. Surely, good knowledge is much better than flity useless crap. Value your time and be productive.

  40. im so quite empress your storey ,,if you realy love your wife you must know what she want ..sometimes we are woman we need love and attention ,i believe that your wife dnt show anything unrespect to you if you dnt make here upst.im a woman also last time ask divorce my husband you know why ,,,he make me feel like im not so emportant , woman love thier man make them feel they are precious.i believe woman are soft and loving especialy you have children its very easy for you to do that but one thing u must do is to put down your pride and replace your kindness show to her that you are regret what you have done…i want you to tell the most woman need in the husband is love and understand ,if yoyu want your wife respct you you should know how to mange your family ,you are the leader in the family how you make them follow and obey if you are the frst show them that you are not aware to make mistake…everything is up to you how to take back thier respect and love ,…if you love your wife ,try yor best. if allah really want you to be together they will help you how to do it

    1. Sorry to hear that brother I m going thru similar situation as Muslim when we let our wife to work we against Islamic teachings she got kids to take care plus you and job she cant handle, try to tell her to quit job so you can take care of a family, I know is hard for western life we live but if you have Iman inshallah everything will be fine my self I left my home for three days now just to come things down with my wife and all start with money, because she is working, so itold her to resign which she did And inshallah we will get back together and no more argument about money. Just read quran and pray Allah not happy with divorce wabillahi tawfiq

  41. I am 29 years old Christian, married to an abusive husband with two kids. It happened along the way doing business I met a muslim guy by the name :Hassan who introduced me to his brother Hussein they happened to be twins which I didn’t know! We fall in love with hussein it resulted to a baby girl who is now 6months. He treated me like a women he gave me all my husband couldn’t do sex was very Goo it is unfortunately that his girlfriend find out and poisoned him. He died while my daughter was three month
    s and he left a lot of will, which the brothers denied me and my daughter, however am left with misery and lot of love as I couldn’t attend the funeral. His country is in uganda I just don’t trust his family around me. I see evilly within them! I love muslim culture!

  42. Well I’ve got a muslim boyfriend and I’m a black women
    He decided to choose me I do like him back an also I was willing to
    Go a step further and convert for him I’ve got a child for him
    I feel that’s what was best thing to do I know that seems bad havin a baby before marriage
    I didn’t want it to happen this way but it did he’s say he love me and all that
    But he’s not putting his words into actions he’s ment to be showing me the way of how to be a good muslim wife to him honestly I don’t know much only a little what I’ve been taught about the muslim faith and would love to learn more and show my daughter about her but it feel like cause of how much he loves his family but his family should encouage him to do right if he going though falling in love out of his religion he seems to doubt me and his daughter saying that I cheat on him and and our child is someones elses and I love him from the bottom of my heart how am I ment to feel calling him an muslim man
    someone that’s already a muslim can’t be told how to act he should know better being into the faith of a muslim man

    1. Firstly, relationships of any kind with opposite sex outside of marriage is harram 100% forbidden. i.e not even dating or friends with opposite sex. So thats the first mistake your male “friend” made. He should respect you and not take things futher. If you are truely interested in Islam go to the local mosque. Meet muslim sisters/girls who will educate you in the matters of the faith properly.
      Men and women can not live together if they are unmarried, they can not have kids together. Obviously thats all happened. But you can rectify that by moving out and reducing contact. If he is serious then he wll be a good father, but allow you to come to Islam and if you accept Islam THEN marry you, If he is a good muslim. And if you are interested in Islam you need to be away from him. He has not been a good example AT ALL! no muslim would ever say that what he has done is good. its totally wrong on all levels.

      All the best. I hope God guides you to the beautiful way of life, and you will see what needs t be changed. to improve your situation

  43. We have been going out for about 7 months now. He is a muslim anyway he does everything for me but he does not seem to talk about marriage.i tried to talk about it sometime ago but he told me if he is going out with me it does not mean we should marry and moreover not all relationships ends up in marriage. He said God permits marriage so if He permits we will if not then we will go our separate ways. what do u think?is it what am thinking?

  44. As salaamu alaikum…..
    I’m sorry that you are dealing with these type of things. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam advised us to speak good or remain silent. No matter what the situation is she should never bad mouth you in front of the children because that’s verbal abuse. I would make istikarah and ask Allah if this marriage is for you to ask him to guide the 2 of you to bring each other closer and to allow the marriage be based on Quran, Sunnah,&Love. If its not meant than allow you to release her in kindness Insha’allah. A lot of times it’s not the men’s fault men are victims too. Also, I would remind her to fear Allah when she speaks ill hearted because if she’s oppressing you she will be held accountable and the Angels are recording this speech. Maybe you can try marriage counseling. May Allah make it easy on you Ameen!!! Hope this helps!!!

  45. Salaam bro, I really enjoyed this article! Then I read the comments and enjoyed the positive responses! Then read more comments and felt pretty sad for all the unnaturally screwed up marriage situations… then I read all these debates and arguments amongst muslims… and its kind of depressed me now… especially since I’m an unmarried woman who (with all intention to imitate the prophets wives RA) I may end up with a psycho husband…

    Morale of the story: read an article, but don’t go to the comments or it will destroy your faith in humanity! Also, I should stop procrastinating and study for these exams! 😛

    1. Rep/- scottishSiater

      Same here, I google this article just in case to find some girl by doing prayers r special way of asking Allah swt to find a obedient wife. But article really discourage me to get marry. Since so many problems. aftwr getting marriage. I thought wife and husband are like made for each other….aftwr i read ths i feel now its bullshit

      1. You shouldn’t let an article and a bunch of anonymous comments on a blog discourage you from marriage. Come on. You’ve got to take this thing more serious than that. What I wrote is just simple advice. Some of it is opinion, and some of it is based on Hadith and Sunnah.

        As for everyone’s problems, that’s part of life. People have problems at work and school. So are you going to leave off working and getting an education? Of course not!

        You’re right about one thing: Husbands and wives are not “made” for each other. We’re made to worship Allah. A strong marriage takes work and sacrifice. If you’re looking for Prince Charming you’re going to have a difficult time. Go into marriage with a common sense approach and seek the pleasure of Allah at all times.

      2. I agree with what Brother ibraheem said.
        You can not be put off by marriage because of issues that occur in some marriages. Marriage is Half your deen, so its hard work! not a walk in the park. Takes commitment, sacrifice, sweat, blood and tears.
        Just like someone who has a garden, looks after it, works hard to maintain, feed the plants, rid it of weeds etc etc. But in the end you get something out of it that is amazing. You reap what you sow.
        If your not able to commit then dont get married. Marriage meant to be life long… or how ever Allah wishes the marriage to last. So you are meant to be in it for the long run. Not a bit of fun and laughes and jokes.

  46. I think its amazing to know that there are decent men out there who put up with what a lot of what us women put up with not that I’m saying it’s great thing or anything. Sometimes you feel it’s only happening to you and that no one can help you but of course Allah(swt). Having patience sometimes I personally feel doesn’t help, I mean how much is too much? I guess when something bad happens divorce is automatically in your head but it’s not easy.

  47. Assalamualaikum everyone,

    Let me just cut to the chase and come to the point of what I want to talk about. As written on the article “ABOVE ALL, HE DESIRES YOUR RESPECT”, let’s re-frame it as “ABOVE ALL, HE DESIRES YOUR RESPECT AND YOUR LOVE”. Because no man in this world will ever marry a woman if he knows that she will not love him.
    Oh n about the sex, women, when you don’t feel like having sex and it comes to the point when it happens often, don’t just keep throwing in excuses. Rather let your husband know why you don’t want to have sex, if he’s not good in bed tell him, if its because you are stressed out tell him, if he lacks chemistry tell him, if he’s not good at turning you on tell him but in a way that doesn’t hurt him. Let him face the reality and help him solve his problems. When your open and honest about the problems he’ll love you and respect you more, I GUARANTEE IT. Men love it when women are open and honest about their desires; esp. sexual desires. It’s not religion but its the society and culture which taught women not to be blunt about her feelings and her desires. Let your husband know what you love about sex, how you want to be pleased (in case he’s dumb) and he’ll come to understand your body, your emotions, your desires.
    Now men, I guess you already know what you have to do. YES…YOU ARE RIGHT, you should stop being wuzzbags and man up! Learn female psychology, learn how they think and feel. Don’t expect her to read your mind, if you love your wife show it to her. Be charismatic, be chivalrous, learn to keep her attracted to you like a magnet, flirt with her. It’s goes like this, ATTRACTION – COMFORT – SEDUCTION – FOREPLAY – SEX. So when she’s not willing to have sex with you, it’s much likely that you have missed one or two of the phases before the SEX phase. If you miss one of those your not being masculine. If you don’t know how to attract, comfort, seduce your wife then learn – no excuses. Ask her why she’s doesn’t want to have sex but do it in a subtle and indirect way because she might feel uncomfortable answering it. I suggest you to read guides or books where they teach sex and how to be good in bed, how to please her. There you will even learn how to ask your wife about her sexual desires and fantasies. Don’t buy into the myth that women want little or no sex. Women desire sex as much as men do if not more. Think about it, men have only one orgasm at a time but women have multiple orgasms while she’s having sex. That tells you how much she may desire sex. Men, we should take responsibility of our own problems as well as our wives. We are in charge of our wives sexual desires and pleasures. So being a husband who’s a good provider isn’t enough we have to be good lovers as well. Our masculinity will ignite her femininity. ALLAH bless us all.

    Most marital problems starts from the bedroom…just in case some might think why I’m talking mostly about sex.

    1. SOME marital issues start in the bedroom. You can not say MOST, i do not agree with that at all. I know many sisters issues with husbands started outside the bedroom. Even when things are fine with intimacy there are huge issues outside of that area.

  48. I think this is one hilarious website. It is so funny…and sad… how Muslim men have to put themselves on a pedestal before their wifes, instead of an equal life long partnership like it should be..If a man earns respect he will receive it. He does not have to demand it..so, so sad and pathetic…

    1. Sage advice fail.

      “Like it should be.”

      I’m sorry I must have missed the part when God came down here and told us all we need to listen to you. Stop hatin’ and start prayin’.

    2. Actually, without you – the site wouldn’t be as hilarious, Michael. So Kudos! No seriously Kudos to you. I found your lack of in-depth in your own perspective on the article quite amusing. I mean really – you must’ve been asleep these past few decades Michael, because I can’t even imagine a sane person stating such a ridiculous outlook on something so close to your own environment. You see, non-muslims such as yourself, perhaps even your wife/girlfriend and most likely everyone you are acquainted with have on a daily basis access to suuurplus amount of books, magazines, websites, psychologists, Marriage counselor, Marriage gurus and what-not who’s happy to advice them on the exact same thing. Advices such as meeting your spouse Half-way for a healthier relationship. Discussing everything from in-laws to sex. I mean – you’re not an idiot to deny that are you? Tell me, would you consider those non-muslim counselors and all those specialists ”fools” to recommend women to have…hm, I don’t know – respect for their men? Or to advice men to show more love and affection towards their women. I’m very curious – how is that bad? How is their advices on ways to go about an unhealthy relationship bad? Be clever now – you don’t want to sound like a douche or a person with double standards now do you? Because, as far as I see it now – you’re on the verge of falling into at least one – or the other – Both being bad for you.

      And in what sense is this article suggesting that men or women ”demand” this? It says ”Desire” – not demand. Nothing… absolutely nothing suggest that either sex demands it Michael – but as nature wills it – any person – no matter faith or background- will seek a partner who they can have a healthy relationship with. I bet your grand parents did too – why don’t you ask them.

      That, Michael is an undeniable truth – whether you disagree or not. But hey, who am I to judge. To each it’s own, right? See, perhaps…. or maaaybe, you’re in some kind of ”special” relationship – where there is no specific ”man” or ”woman”. You know… the same sex relationship? Because that – and ONLY that – would explain your ridiculous comment just sliiiightly better… But then again – even homosexuals need advices on meeting their partners’ half-way… so basically – to sum it up; your comment is based on hatred – insolence, and a dash of hypocrisy. My suggestion – thoughts like that won’t get you anywhere but towards a pitiful life of ire. So who’s the real ”sad” one here?

      Assalamu Alaykum. [Peace]

  49. assalamoalikum
    i m married for 4 years i m happy tht my husband is so much caring for me n my two daughters one is 3 years old n another is 2 months but i m always quiet worried about one thing tht is our physical relation he doesnt do tht much which is very annoying me,when i was pregnant there r some difficuities in my pregnancy which gives me pain all of the time thts why he was not doing tht so but now i m prefectly ok he is not willing to do tht either,i m not in a mood ,i dont want another child,first i will buy protection then i will do it so, he is saying this to me what should i do for this to encourage him,one thing very important tht he sees dirty vidoes n pics on net n talk to another woman on messenger n i hate tht.i had come to know tht after one month of my marriage n we have got fight 3 4 times just because of this n he didnt say anything abt tht.bhai i m very much worried abt tht n i cant tell this to anybody in my family what should i do reply must.

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      Your husband needs to stop looking at the porn. He doesn’t have any desire to be with you because he’s getting his satisfaction from pornography. Be patient with him, because it is an addiction. But advise him to stop and help him through this difficulty.

      May Allah make it easy for you both.

    2. Subhanallah, sis i understand where you are coming from. My best friend had a similar issue. Although with her, she was always at the beck and call of her husband and never refused him. But he went to pornography many times. Even though in many peoples opnions she was far more beautiful and attractive then him. He never appreciated this. She kept it quiet for 2 years… then she had enough. Got her family involved and then it all came out. Her husband showed his true colours and decided to be a coward and run away and ignore his wife and duties and his mistakes. It ended in divource of course, but you need to confront your husband. Approach him in the best manner and talk with him about it. Support him to get better. If he refuses, after ahving sabr for a few months then bring up seperation. I know it hard as you have kids. But, do you want your children to one day stumble across that? or see daddy speaking with another woman?
      Do not allow a man to walk all over you. if he can not see how valuable you are, you have given him 2 beautiful kids and is not thankful to allah and shows this to you. Then you are better off without him sister. Be strong and do whats right for you and the kids.

      Allah knows best, and also not harram to seek divource if your husband continously impinges on your rights, and neglects you. You have a right in Islam.

      Inshallah khier sis

  50. Am a muslim……. & you are wrong in all this .you know that a trye muslim don’t & never say i love you t o a woman exept his wife .so this is the real love .& if you want to hear more about muslim life between wife & husband just Email me in meca.indu@hotmail.fr i will tel you all :) . don’t ever judje from seeing only a person .we are 4 billions :)

    1. You really shouldn’t use your real email address on a public forum like a blog or website. Spammers are going to scrape it and start sending you all sorts of crap.

      As for saying “I love you”…I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  51. i dont think these are all neccessarily true not meaning to offend as it is my opinion but the things such as he looks at other women he wouldnt do so if a true and loyal muslim

    1. The article doesn’t say “Look” at another woman; it says “think” about another woman.

      And if you really believe your husband won’t think about other women, in my opinion, you’re fooling yourself.

      No offense intended.

      1. How do you THINK of other women without LOOKING first? To get an image in your mind?
        Sorry but your insulting our inteligence. If i say to someone think of a certain person e.g the Queen, Brittnay spear etc etc…. we all know that most people will have seen them i.e been looking at them previously at some point and an image comes to mind. Therefore, you saying a man thinks of other women. these are not fabricated women from dolalala land. These will be images saved… of women he seen previously BECUASE he did not lower his gaze and commited ZINA of the eyes. Therefore, commiting minor zina which may lead to major zina.

        NO offense intended!

        1. More emotionally charged rhetoric.

          Do you really expect men to never watch a television, never look in a magazine, never go online and never go outside?

          Of course not. Then how can you expect them to never see a woman? That makes no sense.

          The problem is not what happens in our mind as that is really between us and Allah. The problem occurs when we cannot control our thoughts and desires and succumb to them.

          Every man (and perhaps even most women) will be tempted at some point in their lives. That’s Shaytan’s job. It is our job to resist his temptations.

          To demand such ridiculously high standards from men is just putting insurmountable obstacles before otherwise genuine and righteous men.

  52. I am a Christian but I found the advice on this site similar to things I have seen on Christian sites. And I agreed with many of the things written. A wife should respect her husband, show her loyalty to him, and encourage him to be a more godly man. It also addresses what has also been addressed in my church of men who look at other women as men are visual creatures. The Christian answer to that, however, is that it is adultery. “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28. I also believe a woman should try to please her husband as much as possible. Sex is important part of a marriage. A husband has to understand that a woman is more attracted to her husband when her turns her on emotionally and spiritually. When he is a great man not of this world, but of the spirit. As for polygamy, I am not sure where you are writing, but if you are writing in the U.S., it is, of course, unlawful to be married to more than one person. But one thing for you to consider is health risks to be sexually active with more than one partner. If for instance, a partner has HPV, she may not know it for 5 years. So she marries a husband who already has a wife. The husband can then transfer the HPV to his first wife. Studies have shown that condoms do not always protect against HPV. Women can still get it even with condom use. I know that your religious text has polygamy and so perhaps it is difficult to decide if polygamy is still ok for this modern age with all the sexual diseases out there (and I am sure you may be thinking Muslim teaches no sex before marriage so there would be no disease but that may not always be the case, especially if it is not the first marriage or there was a philandering husband who brought home disease, or in the unfortunate case of a rape victim who may have contracted disease from her rapist, etc). The Old Testament also has polygamy, which for me as a Christian, is hard for me to understand (New Testament has monogamy). I bring this up not as an attack on your beliefs (I study ancient Greek and Roman religion so I have an interest in other cultures and religions) but maybe thought about polygamy in the present times and the challenges it offers. For myself, as a Christian, I of course, believe in marriage between one man and one woman with Christ (God) at the center of it.

    1. The Christian belief that “looking” at another woman is adultery is unjust and wrong. No person in their right mind would equate “looking” with actual, true, physical sex. That’s delusional.

      As for polygamy being illegal in the US, that’s bogus. The same country that outlaws polygamy allows gay marriage. So the illegality of it all is meaningless as far as I’m concerned.

      STD’s are usually transmitted by people having sex outside of marriage. If people follow Islamic principles, and do not fornicate, then STD’s won’t be an issue.

      Rather than harp on polygamy, which is very, very rare, even among Muslims, you should spend that energy speaking out against premarital sex. That happens much more frequently (more so among Christians than with Muslims), all over the country and contributes to a lot more diseases and STD transmission than polygamy every could.

      1. Actually in Islam looking at the opposite sex is considered ZINA of the eyes. Allah said to keep well away from Zina, he did not say do not do it. Its also keeping well away from things that lead to it. So do not look at other women and “think” about other women. All minor zina. A wife shoudl take this seriously and act to prevent this behaviour. And ensure she marrys a man who is 100% aware of the seriousness of the nature of zina in its major and minor forms.

        1. Zina of the eyes is not the same thing as Zina of the private parts. And no honest person can compare the two.

          My point is that most people (men and women) will fall into this at some point. It’s like lying. We all know it’s wrong, but EVERYONE alive today has lied at some point in their life, often deliberately.

          And anyone who says they never lied, is lying.

          Men will look at other women inevitably. Perhaps some of the saintliest saints of the Muslim world will restrain themselves (but of course, those men will most likely have multiple wives), but whether it’s at work or in the street or just watching the evening news, it’s going to happen.

          The best of us, will seek Allah’s forgiveness, and try not to do it again.

      1. aww,I think most men take all of those things and use them against women what if I do everything ur supposed to do as a wife and ur husband does none of his duties towards u what if ur husband dosnt tell u he loves u never shows u any affection and meet spends any time with his children what if well ur husband lies in bed all day u struggle with school runs and two infants in the freezing cold how about telling women what they r entitled to instead of making men think they r kings and them they feel they can behave like it very angry Muslim sister

        1. Your comments reflect your current situation. You’ve evidently had bad experiences with men and so now you have a generally negative view of us. You should look more inside yourself rather than project your problems onto half the human population

          As for writing something for women, I’ve done that already but it seems a lot of you angry women tend to overlook it.

          7 Things Your Muslim Wife Won’t Tell You

        2. I agree sister.
          Majority of men are this way… they use sisters in some way. Its not about having a negative experince. It is seeing sisters be effected, watching the esculating divource rates. Men are just cowardly now… fewer and fewer good men who can actually handle the responsibilty and seriousness of marriage. Its half your deen not a walk in the park. Yet men neglect this role soo much. Something i have witnessed in my own community and in other muslim communities.
          Its factual i am afraid!

          1. If you have a lot of bad things to say about men today, certainly there are many bad things to say about women today.

            Most of these “men” you speak of were raised by women. So what’s that saying about the fairer sex?

            If it’s true that men are truly the horrible brutes so many people on this page paint them to be, what does that say for the mothers today?

            My point is that it’s not a “man” or a “woman” problem. It’s a Muslim problem. I agree, man Muslim men are neglecting their duties, but without a doubt, just as many Muslim women are as well.

            Men just don’t complain about their wives as much.

      2. ASAK,

        I have a doubt in my mind and tried to find a correct answer but failed. Hope i get some comfort here

        A man and woman,consciously take each other to be husband and wife, though Nikaah has not been performed. Is it legal as per Islam?

        1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

          For a marriage to be valid in Islam, there must be three things:

          1. Offer (of marriage) and Acceptance (of the proposal).
          2. Mahr, or dowry. This is a gift of some sort from the man to the woman. It can be money, jewelry, knowledge, or whatever the wife asks for.
          3. Wali, or guardian, for the bride. There must be a male who represents the bride and looks out for her best interests. It could be her father, or uncle, or brother, or even her son. If the bride converted to Islam and has no close Muslim male relatives, it can be an Imam or Judge.

          You haven’t given enough details in your comment about the marriage, but just based on what you’ve said, that the man and woman have consciously taken each other as husband and wife, this does not constitute a legal marriage in Islam. At best, only the first stipulation has been met, i.e. Offer and Acceptance.

          And Allah knows best.

      1. Usually men do not think of women, making them up in their minds from no where. Usually a woman they have seen at work, in the street, a cousin etc etc. Therefore some sort of Zina of the eyes, or ears needs to occur. Which is not OK at all. Zina of the senses is forbidden also. Allah told us to keep well away from zina. therefore anything which leads to it, looking, listening, touching, walking to whats not permissible etc etc.
        so if a man is thinking of other women, that means he been looking and NOT lowering his gaze! Not aceptable and a wife should not allow that to continue whats so ever.

        1. What you’re demanding is impossible and very naive.

          There is no way any many is going to go through life without looking at some woman at some point. Yes, he should lower his gaze beyond was is necessary, but the reality is that it will inevitably happen.

          Demanding that a man never ever look at a woman is like demanding that someone never ever lie.

          Anyway, your comment is just another emotion-laced tirade. There’s little rationality or practicality in your statement.

  53. asalamualaikum, i am 24 years old married girl,in two years married i was suferring from black magic which was done by my laws and wen i go to my husbands home .my health becomes bad and i think tht somethings in house.and the moulanas did bandhish thn after tht again my health goes bad.but my husband says me to come home and care to my parents.now i am in my mothers home .and my husband is now in saudi arabia and i tld him to go there and call me there in saudi arabia.but he is upset with me tht i am not going to home wht should i do.plz sugest me should i live in my moms home or go to my in laws house or tell to my husband to cal me outside

  54. asalamualaikum, bhai i am 24 years married girl,in 2 years marriage i suffered with black magic .and my in laws did this and i think it is in house
    becoz wen i go home i get my health bad.so now iam in my moms home .my husband wants tht i should go home back.but i does not want to go.and he is upset with me.then i told him tht to call me outside in saudi arabia.were he is working.so suggest me what should i do ,i should go home or stay with my mom or go outside and set with my husband
    plz bhai reply me fast

  55. Salam i have a serious.question.. Is that my husband just use bad words.or comment about my dad.. He doesnt respect my dad at all.. I just got married eleven month ago.. But was in pakistan and they live in usa.my documentation was on process .. And then i came hern august.sits my love marriage.. I have a lot to write.. My heart is so dead from my husband because of his mom and his self.. His mom never liked me.. I didnt knew it.. After marriage when i arrive here so she never welcome me.. Even she always says that this marriage is not my choice not from me.. Its no my wish.. Even she disgarce me infront of other and the whole famoly… She raised my small mistake as a my big sin.. Like i am not good in cooking.. I am not good in roti making i am not good in talking.. I am meethi churi… And i am from a middle class family.. My parents and me went to their house first .. And my parents are bad.. Because we are from karachi.. And basically they belong from village of machiwal multan.. And peoplea from cities are bad.. Etc.. even she complaint to my husband for everything.. K tum hi laye ho ab bhugto.. Meri psnd ki nai he.. Isney aj bartan nai dhoye.. Isney aj yh nai kya wo kya.. Etc.. Alama sahab me thak gai hun..psnd ki shaadi kr k phans gai hun.. Abi me pregnant b hun.. Soch rhi thi k alag hojaun qk mera myan hi mere sath nai he.. Mjpr hath uthana ..mjy har choti batprarna.. Me kaam nai krna chahti store pr bahar..mgr zabardasti mjaam krwana.. Or yeh kehna.. K america me har auray kam krti he tm konsi akloti ho.. mjy yh sb nai chahye.. Mere ma bap pakista. Me he.. Wo nai asakty mere pas. Bs ro lyte he or mere lye dua krlytw he..buht zalil hui hu…. Bahoo ban k aai thi.. Or kia hogaya.. Or mera shohar bat bat pr merw abu ka mazak urata he.. Unk barey me buri baten bolta he.. Me kia kroon.. Mere abu ki ghar walon k sney beizzayi krta he.. Mjy kch smjh nai araha..me wapis jana chahti hun… Apni poori zinfagi esa mard nai chahti me.. Issy acha akela rehna pasnd he.. Or kch khareedny ki baat kro to bolta he k itna kharcha na kro.. kehta ge k agr tmy kch chahye ho to mere maa bap sy mango mjsy nai.. Me b.v uaki hun.. Usk maa bap ki nai.. Its really hrd for me to live here… Kal kal usny kaha k tmare doctor k pas janey me 1500 dollar ka kharcha aya hewo mjy do tm.. Yar mjy wo kamai k paosy tak nai dyta me kahan sy doon.. Allah sy dua he k wapis pak chali jau…me ghalat hun ya sahi

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam. I was following along until you switched to Urdu. May Allah reward anyone who can translate the second half.

      The part that was English spoke volumes, however.

      Keeping in mind that we only have one side of the story, both your husband and his mother are sinning by slandering, backbiting, gossiping, and speaking evil of other Muslims.

      For your part, you should refrain from joining them or retaliating by saying evil things back to them. Instead warn them and advise them to say the best thing, even if they say something bad to you. If you can, leave the room or the house if they will not stop.

      If you do slip up and say something bad to them, then repent and ask Allah for forgiveness and try not to make that mistake again.

    2. dear sweet miss Bashir: My heart goes out to you and all the trouble you are facing. I do however support the advice Br. Ibrahim gave you. Whether the marriage was a love marriage or an arranged marriage consented by both the husband to be and the wife to be, it SHOULD not matter. What is the important point is that both agree to marry one another. Since I do not know anything but what you have written, I want to say: If your husband did not involve his parents in discussion about his marriage to you, then the ill feelings his mother has towards you has no basis. All the fault and difficulty you are facing lies in his laps. It is natural for parents to be protective of their children and IF he did not involve them and give them reasoning and understanding as to why he wanted to marry you…then he has not upheld the marriage from the beginning. When two people get married, each side of the parents play an important role as well. When this is ignored, situations like yours arise. She is venting her anger on the easy target that being you. And her son is getting away scott free in this world but when they both stand in front of ALlah on the day of Judgement, they will be severly punished for emotionally disturbing you and not upholding your rights, for oppressing you like this. THey have no knowledge of Islam. And I am sorry to say, but only Allah can help and give you the strength to deal with this. And to me, this is the worst situation to be in, when the mother-in-law says she never approved you in the first place. BUt don’t misunderstand me, she did not have to approve you or disapprove you, it was not for her to say. After her son married you, she should have accepted you, or at least for the love of her son, had control of her tongue. All they are doing is a major sin. They have put spite and hatred between a huband and a wife..broken up a marriage…which in ALlah’s eyes is a major sin. The main one to blame here as far as your information you wrote is your husband. He does not have the backbone to stand up to his family. You have every right to have your own place to live away from an abusive in-law relationship. Your Islamic duty is to your husband’s well-being: feeding him, loving him, all things involved in taking care of a person, and the children…which if you love him or did love him you are doing already, or did already. You have no responsibility towards his parents, except that at all times to be careful not to attack them with words or actions as they are doing to do. Why do you want to debase (lower) yourself in action just like them and incur sins upon yourself. Allah will reward you for your patients and perseverence/fortitude. Behave in a well humble and dignified way as Allah has taught us to behave. ‘Repel evil with sweetness’. My suggestion is to whole heartedly talk with your husband. I mean really talk with him..NOT ARGUE with him. He has been brainwashed by his parents and he is not the same as you knew him. There may still be a chance to help him come back to how you knew him, but it will take a lot of strength and patients and perseverence/fortitude from you. If at the end, you feel extreme mental abuse (hopefully not physical abuse), then you must take the first step to end this marriage. I pray you do not have to go to this step. Allah will reward you tremendously if you can help your husband come back to the way you knew him to be. Obviously, you love him more than his parents love him since you are still married and asking advice on how to rectify your marriage. I hope this helps and I did not ramble on….please forgive me if my comments have hurt you and my intention was not to mislead you or misrepresent Islam in any way. In my marriage, my husband and I, had many of these in-law problems the first 3 years of our marriage….we decided the only way to keep our marriage together is to turn to ALlah and see what he says as how a husband and wife should be together..in other words, we took time to gain the Islamic knowledge of the rights of everyone. It solved many of the problems.

  56. asalamualaikum!! thanks for the information but how can you make your husband show you u some love, get close to you , talking to you without been shy

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      A good time to get men (and women) to open up is after intercourse. A lot comes in what we call “pillow talk.” Perhaps there are more suggestions that other readers can offer.

    1. Everyone lies at some point. You should give us a few more details.

      Is your husband a habitual liar? Is he lying to cover up some bad things he’s done? Is he lying to protect you from something?

      I need more details which I’d suggest you send by email.

  57. Salaam,
    I have been married for 4 years and had problems with my mother in law from day one. My husband has never supported me on this issue and has taken her side all the time. As a result i have become bitter towards him. His mother has always made my life difficult and has said many hurtful things. My husband is a good, decent muslim. I am upset that he doesnt support, and the situation as a result has caused me depression. I have tried talking to his mum, but she is always unreasonable. I only recently found out from my husband, that the reason why he does not say anything as our marriage was not arranged, and he has always felt guilty that he did not marry his mums choice, but i have said this to him why punish me? Please can you give me any advice to help with my situation

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      Your husband sound like a good man who wants to please his mother. That is a good thing.

      But there is a such thing as too much of a good thing. He needs to properly understand Islam and separate the religion from culture. He does not need his mother’s approval to marry you. But he is required to treat you kindly as that was ordered by Allah and His Messenger.

      He should speak to an Imam or sheikh or a Muslim marriage counselor to give him better advice. The two of you can also book a marriage counseling session with me as well via Skype.

  58. Assalam Alaikum.. i am 30 years and I have a kid of 3 years. My husband too is 30 years and does not work. He spends his time sleeping mostly and at the computer playing a game or just playing with some software. Financially things are very tight specially now that our kid goes to school. He still does not work and he gets angry when I talk about it. I dont see a future with him. He doesnt show much affection or love.. i feel i am the one always hugging him, telling him “i love you” etc. He is very harsh towards me, which just breaks my heart. I cry to sleep most nights. He does not care. He has psychological issues.. he’s quiet, doesnt socialize much, keeps to himself with not much friends. He does not pray at all. I feel he is the supposed to be the one to guide me to jannah, to take care of his wife and kid’s needs financially. Its been six years to our marriage and nothing has changed, nothing has improved except us being blessed with one child. I cant think of having more kids too because of these issues. This environment is not the best to bring up my child. My child sees me crying to myself most of the time. It effects my kid mentally and psychologically. I feel i need to break free from this life and move on. I feel i need to find a better life for me and my kid. I could get a divorce and start a life afresh, where i could breath freely, i could work and earn a living for us. I have my family to support if anything goes wrong. Should I ask for divorce? Pls help me.. Jazaakallah!

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      You have to be realistic with yourself and see if this marriage is worth continuing.

      Your husband has a duty to support his family. If he’s on hard times and is trying but is just not making enough money, then that is from the Qadr of Allah. But if he’s not even trying and just sleeping around the house all day, then he is wasting his time and yours.

      Furthermore, you said he doesn’t even show any love for you and he doesn’t pray. So he is not benefiting you in this life nor the next life.

      I think you should give him more advice and try to get another man, like a sheikh or Imam that he respects, to advise him as well. If that doesn’t work, then it may be time to move on.

      And Allah is the source of strength.

  59. Mashallah great article. But not applicable to everyone.
    I know of many sisters who do all this and mroe and are in awful marriages, abusive and degrading marriages.
    So its not aboue doing all this, its about working as a team. No point wife doing all this if her husband is not intersted whats so ever.

  60. I agree with Salwa… There are wives who are so patient and gentle in spite of their husbands being abusive and violent. It breaks a woman’s heart and spirit mentally. Its very sad.

    1. No one can dispute that when a marriage breaks down its harder on the wife. Women are the ones who have more to loose. Especially in this society… where divource for a woman is shameful especially a young woman. A man can move on quickly and finds it easier to re marry whereas a woman will be labeled and have her chances of meeting someone new reduced to nothing.

      1. It is very unfortunate that many Muslim societies treat divorced women poorly. This is a cultural aspect that has no place in Islam. And it’s also a reason why polygamy should be more accepted in the Muslim world.

        1. I do not think Polygamy is the only answer for divorced or widowed women. Especially if she is very young. She should be able to remarry a brother who has no other wives and expect to be the only wife.

          I agree Polygamy has its place just as it did in the Prophet SAW time. When women would be husband less with many children, and too old to work and need someone to look after them. I agree older women who are single should enter polygamy marriage, for the support, security and companionship and will not be jealous and overly concerned about seeing their husband every day.

          A young girl without children on the other hand should not enter into polygamy she has a chance at marriage being the only wife and will want 100% attention from the husband.

          There is a time and place for polygamy but its not for everyone.

  61. The article was quite interesting and very true. I am married now for 18 years. Another thing I have learned out of experience is that hubands think of two main things that will keep them content: what is in there stomachs(meaning keep them fully fed) and what is between their legs (meaning keep them fully ‘fed’ with sex). But on the more serious side of the discussion: I try to uphold my husbands rights in marriage and he tries to uphold my rights in marriage. These rights I am talking about are of course Islamic rights given to a husband and a wife. Just by doing this, we have been able to deal with so many potential marital conflicts. We both sit together and try to understand what Allah wants from us by reading the Quran and the Tafsir(scholarly comments, explanations of the Quran) and study of how our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) behaved as a husband and in turn how his wives behaved. (Yes, he did have more than one wife which is allowed in Islam but there is a big BUT to this allowance which we all forget and realistically speaking no human being will be able to carry out truthfully except for a prophet so any brother in Islam that is married to more than one wife better get ready to answer to ALlah on the Day of Judgement as to his actions/intentions towards his wives. It is a very serious situation that should not be taken lightly. As for those husbands that have a deep understanding of the Islamic rulings on having more than one wife, May ALlah reward you.)

    Islam wants us to have self control which is the hardest thing to do. We all are driven by mostly desires that creep up and cause tremendous calamities. I can not say my marriage is an ideal marraige but we both had to work at it. We talk, we discuss. He shares his thoughts, concerns, worries with me and I try to help him out to de-stress him and in turn he does the same for me. Yes, we have many of the same difficulties as most marriages: financial, extended family relations, in-laws relations to be more specific, chores, views on raising children, cultural issues, etc.The list could go on forever. We both discuss about our finances, how to spend, how to save, where to spend. Financial issues, I think, are the number one cause of most arguments between a husband and a wife. So we spend a lot of time here in proportioning our spending. A marriage is two souls uniting as one entity, one soul. How could one hurt the other and not feel the pain?

      1. To try to keep my comment from being ridiculously long, I tried to summerize my thoughts of polygamy (or should we say polygyny?). As you probably already know, Islam put regulation on how many wives can be married and the responsibilities surrounding this decision.

  62. I just felt I had to comment this, because unfortunately, it is so stereotypical. First off, you are not all-knowing, so to say that “all” men think about other women is just plain dumb. And if not fantasizing, then what? What does “think” mean to you? Just a blank image? I don’t think so, you obviously meant fantasizing or imagining how it would be, being with another woman. Maybe some men do that, some don’t. And big surprise; women find other men attractive too, they also “think” about how it would be, or images pop in their heads. Women are attracted to men, men are attracted to women. Some men and women don’t ever imagine being with anyone else, because they simply are not interested in that idea, even for curiosity. And about the sex part, not all men want sex all the time, many are not like monkeys looking to hump anything that moves. And some women on the other hand, may tire their husbands with their demand for sex. It’s all individual, please do have some respect for that. Salaam.

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam.

      Chill out. It’s a blog. It’s. Just. A. Blog.

      And this article is a generalization. And it is my opinion. If you disagree, you have the right to express your opinion.

      And I have the right to express my opinion about your opinion.

      After all, this is just a blog.

  63. ”What??? These people are saying evil things about Islam and the Quran and you want me to be kind to them? Are you crazy?”

    Assalamu Alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh – In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.
    Dear brother Abu Ibrahim,
    I’m pretty sure you mean all the best by defending Islam with sometimes even insulting the commentators on their ”flaccid” opinions – but please brother remember these simple things I write you here with no intention of offending you. As a teacher, guider or an Islamic counselor, which you clearly are portraying as here, you must pay attention to one very important thing:
    Allah [swt] is going to hold all those who teach Islam and Shaaria to others accountable for not only what they say – but also how they say it. The purpose of even having a Prophet or a Rasoulullah is to provide humanity of a role-model to follow as best as we can. Think of it this way; would Muhammad [sallalahu aleyhu wasallam] have replied to that Christian lady as you did? Allah wa ta’alah has clearly stated in the Qur’an that what He hates the most are the aggressors. What angers you – conquers you. No matter how right you are in what you say – if your way of saying it is hotheaded – the person listening will regard it as ad-hominem. And with that he/she will resent Islam and Muslims even more.

    So please brother. Next time you represent Islam, our Deen to people who cannot grasp it easily or doesn’t understand it or even tries to insult it – be humble, patient and calm about it. Raise yourself above those who criticize without knowledge, do not stoop to their level. Remember that they have the saying which goes ”Ignorance is bliss” – this is what they believe whenever things get too hard to handle mentally. They can’t cope with the truth – just like many Muslim brothers and sister can’t either.

    As for the article – much of what you say is correct. Your advices are, Mashallah, on the right path and I agree with most of what you write. My only answer to your article – [answer not a question] and to those who read it and have questions about inequality between the two sexes is this: [I’ll try and make it short – but hopefully you will understand what my point is]

    Let’s forget religion for a while and look around for a bit. Look around you, what do you see?
    See, what religion doesn’t teach you – science does. So regardless of your beliefs – we all see the same thing everywhere. Which is what? Balance people! Balance. Balance is an essential key element here which explains – figuratively explains the design of this world. Although we see much unfairness in the world today – it is by far from unfair in reality. In Islam we are taught that justice will prevail. So when you complain about your hard work and your good nature but people treating you bad constantly – rest assured that you will have what you deserve in the afterlife – and the people responsible for the unfairness will have their s. This is Balance! White, black, cold, warm, sad, happy, good , evil, dark, light, sun, moon, man woman …– see where I’m going? So, for you to question and ask why woman are inferior to men in Islam – it is almost as if you’re saying why is the Moon inferior to the Sun? Now, if we remove the Moon – humanity will die. Same goes for the Sun. The only way for humanity to function as it does is is if both the Moon and the Sun exists. And not only exists – but that each of them does their duties accustomed to them by Allah [swt]. This does not mean that Allah [swt] loves one more than the other – but He created them for two different tasks to balance one another. He gave them two different responsibilities – different, but equally important. This is very important to remember. I see people complain about the smallest things in life – yet they rarely look themselves in the mirror – questioning whether perhaps they failed first in their duty. If you play your role correctly and your spouse doesn’t – be sure that you will be rewarded and he/she will face the Lord in Akhira regretting that he/she did not do his/her part as was required by Allah [swt]. There’s your justice!

    Basically – most women who want love more than respect – seems to be true. Most women want to lean on their spouses for comfort, safety and love while most men have been generated to provide those things because he sees himself as the head of the house. And to be able to work that hard and make his family content and happy – he needs the support of his wife through respect. All of this is rigidly connected to how uniquely each gender was molded. We may be the same species, but even our brains function differently according to scientific studies – so how can you ask women and men to be equal on the same responsibilities when they were created for different tasks? How would the world function if all the doctors suddenly took upon themselves to be arbitrators? There would no longer be doctors and the system would go off balance. It’s the same principle but in a larger scope brothers and sister, and fellow neighbors. So please think a little further and beyond what the magazines and televisions in your houses say about equality. We are equal, but not the same.
    I hope I didn’t offend anyone. That is in no way my intention. I myself am learning on the way and I hope my Lord gives me His blessings to write this to you.

    May Allah [swt] bless you all for at least being interested in the Truth. No matter what view you have on it. True faith always starts with interest first.

    Jazakallah Khair – Wa’aleykum Assalam

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

      Let’s first deal with the quotation.

      That quotation was in reply to Yasmin who didn’t like the way I responded to Katie who said Islam is a sexist religion.

      Now, what was my response to Katie who insulted Islam with her comment? I said:

      I’m pretty sure Satan is pleased that you think that way.

      Is what I said false? Do you disagree that Shaytan is happy that Katie thinks Islam is sexist? I don’t see how you can disagree with that statement. And if it’s the truth, then there’s no harm in saying it.

      Katie was wrong for insulting Islam. And if Yasmin is Muslim (and I’m pretty sure she is) then she’s wrong for defending Katie’s “perspective” or “opinion” or “point of view” or whatever.

      As far as I can see, being absolutely rational, I confident that there is nothing displeasing to Allah in my comment to Katie. Perhaps the double hockey sticks thing was a little over the top. But Yasmin needs to get herself together. She’s defending someone who insulted Islam and degraded someone who was defending Islam.

      Something’s not right with that.

      I will be patient with people who have genuine questions or misunderstandings about Islam. If someone disagrees with my opinion, they have a right to express it in a respectful manner.

      But I will not be respectful to people who insult Allah and His Messenger (pbuh), and His book and His believers. I just can’t.

      Ask yourself, if someone were to continuously curse and say evil things about your mother, what would you do? Perhaps you’d be patient and ignore them the first couple of times. But almost certainly, after continuous evil comments about your mother, you’re going to retaliate in some way. You would either insult them back, or scream at them, or speak forcefully to them, or maybe even punch them in the face (that is going too far, but some people would do that).

      I know I wouldn’t let someone stand there and insult my mother over and over again. After a while, I’m going retaliate at some point because I love my mother.

      So how can you ask me to be respectful and patient with people who insult Allah and His Messenger whom I love even more than my own mother?

      Ain’t gonna happen.

      As for the Christian lady you referenced, I’m not sure who you’re speaking of. And I don’t know how the Prophet would have responded, but I do know this:

      One of his primary enemies was Abu Jahl. Abu Jahl’s name was not “Abu Jahl.” His parents did not call name him “father of ignorance.” His friends did not nickname him “Abu Jahl.” That name came from Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).

      I don’t think I called her anything as bad as “the father of ignorance.” So, I don’t think I was too out of line. But then again, I’m not even sure who you’re talking about.

      Finally, I disagree that my comments, regardless how harsh or obnoxious they may be, will turn anyone against Islam. These people who are insulting Islam already hate Islam.

      Trust me, you don’t see half the nasty stuff these guys say about Islam and Muslims because I don’t let most of it get through.

      The rest of your comment was spot on though. Kudos to you and may Allah reward you immensely for that, Ameen.

    2. SubhanAllah!!! what a beautiful way of explaining what ‘balance’ means!!! and the importance that Allah has created everything for a purpose!!!

  64. I’ve been married for over 3 years and my husband was away for 6 months and we have no kids. He was talking to his cusin through ‘ve texting and she was saying how much handsome he is and that she would have waiting to marry him. she is also married and she knows he is married to me. she is always stalking him it seems. my husband said she annoys him and he asked her for naked picture to get rid of her but i dont believe it. i have read the messages so this is pure proof. he always tells me he is scared he will cheat on me. he came to visit me for 2 weeks and now he is away again living with another female cusin. he said he wants to make me happy but he said i will not survive in his family because i am too shy and when i get mad i do curse at him. when i cry he hits me and says im being dramatic. i get mad at him and tell him how much it hurts me to talk to girls and smoke and i dont know if hes drinking. Just a few weeks ago he told me secrets he was keeping how he lost his virginity when he was 14 and he had sex with a few different girls after that and he is the only man i will ever have sex with. i try my hardest to make him happy i work all day and come home and cook for him. He keeps telling me we are getting divorce after he pays me back. we got married for his immigration but i love him more than that and it seems like he doesnt care about me.. please help

    1. If what you say is true, then you’re married to a pretty bad husband.

      If he is unwilling to change his ways, you may want to consider divorcing him. But if that is not an option, you must continue to advise him and let him know that Allah is the Most Just and will exact retribution for your husband’s evil deeds. Advise him to fear Allah and to uphold his duties as a Muslim and a husband.

      If he will not listen to you try to talk to the people in his family that he respects. Perhaps they can talk some sense into him.

      And always make dua to Allah and ask Him to give you ease and the best outcome in your situation.

      You must also remember not to overstep the boundaries by doing evil towards him. And if you do fall short, then make Tawbah and ask Allah for forgiveness.

      May Allah make it easy for you.

      1. I think his family and friends don’t like me though because i’m too shy and i think he tells them bad things about me like cursing (and i don’t curse unless i cant control it anymore then i just burst out even about past things because i feel i never trust him). so i feel like it’s not a good idea to talk to his family because they will just hate me even more. I didn’t curse for a month and then last night i seen he said “HI” to a girl on facebook and i cursed at him alot through texting. i feel so ashamed of myself because he told me he is ashamed to have me cuz im shy. i always feel so low and so insecure and he seems to make it worse.. i told him he wanted to leave me cuz im not good looking enough and he said i brainwashed him to thinking that so he actually feels im not good looking… this just hurts me even more… i’ve been thinking whether to tell one of his friends but i don’t know…. i think the main problem is that i dont want to go to his family dinners or friends parties because i don’t socialize and honestly it does scare me.. especially when they r judging me and i grew up not doing those things. i feel like im the new girl on the job and i just want to quit but its not easy like this… i dont know what to do….

        1. also my husband and his friend were talking about me in front of my face in their own language so they thought i didnt know but actually i knew exactly what they were saying and i just can’t stand this.. like girls gossip alot and it drives me crazy.. im really a good girl and people seem to take advantage of my generosity and it makes me feel so mad and sad i don;t even have any girl friends because i dont trust them at all. and if i get divorce then i cant be with anyone again they will treat me same way and i will be alone for rest of my life . thats why i feel like i need to tell my husband every curse word in the book just to get back at him and show him not to treat me this way.

          1. Sister i am sorry but this is not a healthy or normal relationship. This is not worth carrying on, or fighting for. Your husband sounds awful and a nasty human being… and it looks like his evil behavior is making your life a living hell and will effect you spiritually and mentally.

            I would never like to intervene in a marriage. But seriously you need to get out of this now before it gets worse. Seek divorce soon sister. This is not acceptable marriage and broken every rule and law.

          2. Asalaam Walekum Khadija, The hurtful deed your husband can do is to talk about his wife with another man, because if he continue doing so he will make his friends and other people to disrespect you and that is not allowed in Islam, Husband must be faithful, supportive, Caring and always hold their wives hand when they need them not humiliating or insult them, Please don’t lose faith Allah is with you and he will make something very best out of this, you don’t have to trust anyone but in time you will, You can lose everything you have but Allah always have something better for us in store, so you never alone and you even think you don’t have friends, I’m your friends and Allah Too. May Allah give you all blessing in this world.



  66. Hi can you help me i am not a muslim but i am marrying a muslim man in july i offered to bring his faith in to our ceremony by having some of the koran read and having a imam present he has refused point blank saying faith isnt involved he want me to be ne and he be himself as i was christened as a baby but i never followed christianity and he knows this.he has always appeared to have strong beliefs in his faith and has sworn on the koran and his mothers life he loves me is this usual please ?

    1. No, this is actually very strange Emma. I’ve never seen a Muslim man act in such a way when marrying a Christian. I don’t see why he wouldn’t want an Islamic wedding or have some of aspects of Islam implemented in your marriage.

      It is also very strange that he wants you to stay a Christian rather than become Muslim.

      Very strange indeed.

    2. From Islamic perspective a practicing Muslim man may only marry a virgin from the people of the book (jews and christians) who follow their faith in their lives and remain chaste. Also the marriage would need to be 100% islamic and the children would need to be raised 100% muslims and the mother would have to raise them muslim. If he is a true muslim he would want this and not continue with this sham wedding. It smells very fishy to me.

      Its not acceptable in Islam how he is behaving we can all tell you it has nothing to do with Islam thats 100% sure.

  67. Assalam Alaikum.. i am 30 years and I have a kid of 3 years. My husband too is 30 years and does not work. He spends his time sleeping mostly and at the computer playing a game or just playing with some software. Financially things are very tight specially now that our kid goes to school. He still does not work and he gets angry when I talk about it. I dont see a future with him. He doesnt show much affection or love.. i feel i am the one always hugging him, telling him “i love you” etc. He is very harsh towards me, which just breaks my heart. I cry to sleep most nights. Sometimes four or five months just goes by without us making love.. He does not care. I feel so depressed. I dont feel happy at all. I force myself to do go around doing my house chores and attending my son and husband. He has psychological issues.. he’s quiet, doesnt socialize much, keeps to himself with not much friends. He does not pray at all. I feel he is the supposed to be the one to guide me to jannah, to take care of his wife and kid’s needs financially. Its been six years to our marriage and nothing has changed, nothing has improved except us being blessed with one child. I cant think of having more kids too because of these issues. This environment is not the best to bring up my child. My child sees me crying to myself most of the time. It effects my kid mentally and psychologically. I feel i need to break free from this life and move on. I feel i need to find a better life for me and my kid. I could get a divorce and start a life afresh, where i could breath freely, i could work and earn a living for us. I have my family to support if anything goes wrong. Should I ask for divorce? Pls help me.. please guide me. May Allah bless us all for our efforts in good deeds. Ameen.

  68. Hello, isn’t it funny how a simple blog on marriage from the man’s perspective can cause such a somewhat side tracked debate? I found your article informative because I am a woman and not a man I am always enlightened by any information written by a man and from a mans perspective, and I also did take note that you also have the counterpart article from the womans perspective. As I get older I still do not understand always how a man thinks. The thought process of men and women depending on the topic can be very different from one another.

    Divorce I do believe is frowned upon in every religion, although divorce is allowed for certain reasons in some. Before I make the comment I came to make I want to state that you are right divorce rate is very high in the US but it was not always this way as the same with US culture in general was not always as it is today. Moral values have definitely declined over the years and more so as the years go on. If you look back to the 1950’s and earlier people married young, most did not have children out of wedlock and marriages lasted a very long time until death in a lot of cases.

    Today I think people get married with out thinking of the vows they are making before God and to one another. No one ever said that just because two people love each other that there will not be problems and that’s what I believe marriage is all about. When you get married you are supposed to be saying I love you enough that this marriage symbolizes the commitment we make to one another to work out whatever problems come our way. Problems that can be worked out anyway. And I believe some people do not fully understand the depth of these things until they are actually married. Some people need time to mature into this understanding and others never do. In my own case, I am married but separated working on divorce for many of the same issues others have on this page, and I too struggled with the decision of divorce because although it is allowed for just the reasons I want one I still felt determined to make it work because I did take my vows seriously. However, I had to give in to the fact that my marriage no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did to improve it, no matter how hard I prayed…if it is not a joint effort between husband and wife, it can not work without one person totally compromising themselves to the other persons will. And I suffered too long and am now physically, mentally,emotionally and to some extent spiritually effected. So I sympathize with a lot of the stories shared on this page no matter what religion and as far as the respect/love issue as to woman want love and men want respect I believe BOTH men and women want and need BOTH respect AND love, really can you have love without respect? I’m not sure you can. But that said I do understand the view point that a man does not feel like a man if they don’t feel respected and I get that and in today’s world with womans roles in society being equal to men its easy to lose sight of the fact that even though we have the same responsibilities as men, that if we don’t make our men feel like men or degrade them in a way that makes them feel less than men, it will definitely harm a marriage just as woman would feel if we do not receive the love and affection that we need. And I just want to say to the others on this page do all you can to make it work but if you have done everything and nothing changes don’t stay so long that it causes you harm, we are also supposed to love ourselves.

    As far as the polygamy issue I notice you seem to take offense to those that do not agree with it, most being woman… and you are right that except for those quoting verses from the Quran (as this is not my expertise though I did at one time begin to study as I was choosing my faith) that it is coming from an emotional point of view. I am not a debating what is written just being a woman I know when women love we love so deep, we feel as though if we can love you and you alone and be satisfied why can you not do the same for us. And again not debating the issue but from an emotional perspective if it had been written the opposite way would a man not feel the same also? I think it is less a debate of what is allowed for a man to do than it is the double standard of actually doing it, I think most of us would feel that if our husbands felt the need to take on another wife we would feel less than a woman and less loved because we would feel as though we had failed in some major way to make you happy or that you are taking someone new because you no longer are in love with us.

    1. Thank you for your sensible and well-balanced comments.

      I will address the polygamy issue very briefly.

      I’m not offended by Muslim women who have an issue with polygamy because I know that it is based on emotion and not faith. I only try to convince them of the irrationality of their arguments and how there’s no Islamic basis for their disagreement.

      I can accept that women will be upset or even against polygamy. I understand that it may hurt them to even think about it. But despite that, I cannot let them say something about Islam that is not true.

      There is one primary reason why men take another wife (or cheat on their wives or have multiple girls on the side).

      It is not for lack of sex or lack of love for their wife.

      It is something that Allah has put in us that makes us want a variety of women (this is obviously a generalization and there will be a few exceptions). But Islam puts a limit on that desire by allowing us to have only four wives.

      Can anyone really expect a man to go through 70+ years of life with only one woman and never ever ever desire another? Impossible.

  69. Asalaam au alikum.
    I agree with the article. Its very realistic mashAllah. Women tend to take their men for granted and neglect their needs. Reminds me when the prophet pbu said this is why many women were in jahanum (hell fire) because they are (can be ) ungrateful.
    But i have a question. My husband always says ‘if’ alot. I mean by saying if only…i did this…or if i did that this wouldnt happen. Always ponding on previous mistakes or past. Not saying Alhamdullila what Allah has given me. This can be very hurtful to hear e.g. If only i didnt get married and leave my country. I explained the hadith of our beloved prophet pbu saying dont say if as its shaytaans words…etc. But in 2 yrs he keeps doing it. What should i do?

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Pari,

      If what you say is true, then your husband is questioning the Qadaa (decree) of Allah which is a minor shirk (blasphemy). Continue to advise him and warn him about it. Perhaps he doesn’t understand the seriousness of his actions and words.

      But don’t stop advising him just because he doesn’t listen. Have faith and trust in Allah and continue doing what is right.

  70. Thank you for a better understanding…truly wish I could be physically with my husband to prove myself….our long distance relationship and the barriers of this are making things truly difficult.

  71. asalamualaikum, My husband remarried without me knowing a non muslim who gave him sexual intercourse the way it is fobidedden to muslims(oral sex), His second wife then contacted me and told me we have something in common “a husband” I was totally shocked as he never told me but I trusted him so that whaever he said I believed him Like working late having to go on trips as he has several shops. The second wife told me that he married me because I could not satify him. I was defistated as when we got married we promised each other that our bedroom is sacred. well she is a very lowclass flats person who uses fowl launguage and he became exactly like her. I asked him to leave as I was afraid of AIDS and her history being that she already had 3 kids from different men. I thought how could he do this to our boys and me. Two and a half months after that he came to asked for my forgiveness and said that he divorced this woman. I have tried to give him s second change but find it hard to trust him as quite recently he started hiding his cell phone from me again and started telling lies and he also had a recent photo of his ex wife on his phone. I confronted him and he said I am imagining things. I told him I cant go on like this if there is no honestly. Hethen accused me of I am the reason why he left this other wife “He did it for me” now I want to get rid of him. All I want is for him to be honest and tell me the truth. He does not work at the moment as he he spend all our money on his second wife. Now he is living off me but wants to insult me anytime. i dont know what to do . Is there any hope for this marriage.

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam Sister Raya,

      Ugh, your husband sounds horrible.

      I can only advise you as I would advise my own sister. I think you should move on and look for someone better. I know divorce is difficult, but this is an extreme case.

      If you’re not ready for divorce then continue to advise him. Keep in mind, you can refuse him his rights (sex) if he isn’t giving you your rights (maintenance).

  72. Asalaam au alikum.
    I agree with the article. Its very realistic mashAllah. Women tend to take their men for granted and neglect their needs. Reminds me when the prophet pbu said this is why many women were in jahanum (hell fire) because they are (can be ) ungrateful.
    But i have a question. My husband always says ‘if’ alot. I mean by saying if only…i did this…or if i did that this wouldnt happen. Always ponding on previous mistakes or past. Not saying Alhamdullila what Allah has given me. This can be very hurtful to hear e.g. If only i didnt get married and leave my country. I explained the hadith of our beloved prophet pbu saying dont say if as its shaytaans words…etc. But in 2 yrs he keeps doing it. What should i do?

    Jazak Allah

  73. hi
    this is muddassir rehaman
    please cal me iam totally confused from past 2 month , iam having 1 kid he is 2.9 month icant type those thing wat is happening in my life i think deeply i will become mental god grace pls make a cal to me it will be very help pls iam a muslim , my mom dad & wife with me pls cal me waiting pls mail me in my mail id : muddassir_seema@yahoo.co.in,mobile umber :09884892163

  74. I’m pretty sure married Muslim women can have feelings for other men too besides their husbands. It’s not just Muslim men who think about other women or would like more or a different wife.
    Women also deserve respect and should have their wishes fulfilled. If a man wants sex, give him sex. If a woman wants money, give it to her.

  75. Hi I’ve been married over 5 years to my husband – its been a hard and long 5 years. He lost my trust from the start because he lied to me about his ex girlfriend , got caught with porn time after time and lied to me. Nothing really changed and even after 5 years I don’t feel loved by him, I feel he is fake… The most wonderful thing we share is our son- who is 2 years old… My husband says he loves me, but the way he loves our son he doesn’t love me anything close to that. I feel he just says it so I don’t leave. What should I do? He doesn’t show any Interest towards me in the bedroom or towards any of my feelings. I feel Like I want to leave him all the time, I’m 28 and work full time I feel like I could give my son a better life and more of my time alone but I don’t want my son to be raised in a separated family. I don’t think he loves me at all I feel that things are convenient for him so he stays. He never makes decisions or another child or anything unless I bring it up. What should I do? Am I being silly brother ?

  76. please brothers all of us should speak English in order to carry ourselves along. As you know we all come from various crannies of the world, thank you.

  77. polygamy: it is something Allah limited in Quran. It is not a must, it should not be thought of as a RIGHT. it is a social practice. it should not be introduced into contexts where it does more harm than good in terms of hurting a first wife. Her feelings are more important than the man’s right. we all have rights but we have taqwa and don’t just TAKE our rights with disregard for ihsaan and doing what is the right or best thing to do. The Ansari culture of Madinah found this practice of polygamy unacceptable, so that Sayyidna Muhammad sal Allahu alayhi wasalam told the Muhajireen to not practice this with them. On the other hand, the ppl of Madinah had a certain way of having intimate relations, and the women of Madninah did not like the Makkan way – but in that case, the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wasalam backed up the men with the Ayah from Quran which stated that men are allowed to come to their wives in the way they please (within the limits of course). So in one case, the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wasalam respected the preference of the women of the Ansar and did not uphold polygamy as a RIGHT; but in the other case, held up the right of the man to have access to his wife as he pleased, as a right. Please see this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdWiouSSXAA and this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-Is_8U_IUI
    It’s time we had a more mature discussion of this topic. Polygamy is today practiced as in: married men staying on the lookout for new potential wives, scoping out women while being married. Or they find it okay to get involved or attracted and attached to another woman, and then halalify it with marrying her. that is not acceptable. If we look at a traditional society like Yemen where polygamy is still practiced, the men never see their bride until they are already married -so they are not marrying out of self-interest, extra-marital attraction, or any other selfish or gray-area issue. They are only marrying strictly for the proper reasons. People need to have more taqwa; and seriously, let’s not talk about this matter as one of RIGHTS but one of: what is best, what is the good thing to do, what is the most saalih thing to do, what will earn Allah’s Rida (pleasure with us). and what will not harm others in the process? if lots of women are unmarried today, it is not becuase there are not enough men. it is because women are super picky these days and unwilling to marry men who have faults…in the old days, women put up with faults and were kind and accepting and patient. today’s divas want perfect partners and turn down a lot of eligible spouses for this reason.

    1. I really don’t want to argue this point. I’ve spoken about it more than enough,.

      No one has the right to be happy. The first wife doesn’t have a “right” to be happy. So if her husband does something that doesn’t make her “happy” her rights haven’t been violated. Whether he is wrong or not is up to Allah.

      The people of Medina definitely practiced polygamy even before the Prophet moved there. There is a famous hadith where Abdur Rahman ibn Auf was partnered with one of the Ansar as a brother. The Ansar was married to two women and offered one of them to Abdur Rahman.

      So…that argument’s dead.

      Anyway, you people can keep arguing about this silly thing for all I care. There are much more important things going on in the Muslim world besides polygamy.

      Perhaps if you anti-polygamists would show half as much energy at stomping out premarital sex as you do to stomping out Polygamy, we’d be a much stronger Ummah.

      Very, very few Muslims actually practice polygamy for all the attention you people give it.

      But many, many Muslims do commit fornication regularly without any concern. Which do you really think deserves more attention?

        1. Salam i was married for 16 years had three beautiful children then found out my husband had a daughter the same age as my youngest he had been with another woman behind my bk for five years so yes I divorced him two years ago I met my present husband we married straight away six months later I gt pregnant with our son and then he decided to tell me he was married to smoother woman who was in Pakistan,I was angry but accepted it as she is in another country until now,he has always lived with his famiy but always spent at least two nights a week with me until December for no reason he hasn’t been to mine since just has our son one day a week he says its because he is busy also when im on the phone to him i here a womans voice and he cuts me off what im trying to say is that the best of men can’t treat two wives equal there’s always going to be lies i no he’s with his otther wife now and it hurts….sorry had to get that of my chest and no i can’t go to his house im a revert and his family dont like me, i want to divorce him and concentrate on my Islam and my children but i no Allah (swt) dosnt like divorce and my aim in life is to please the almighty not displease him, am I in the wrong?

  78. here’s another example: is it a husband’s right to decide that his family will all move from Seattle to Jeddah…
    Abu Ibrahim Edit: The same argument’s already been made in the first post.

  79. Just so you know, women think about other men too (not to cheat, but exactly like how you described it for men). It’s normal, many women, especially muslim women I know, do it. It is a part of human nature, regardless of gender. Keep that in mind.

  80. to the editor. please do not post my last comment. thanks. i misread what you had said about men thinking about other women.

  81. This article was apparently written by a young man. Someone under 50. Who probably has not been married for let’s say more then 10 or 20 years. And again, the article is another in the long list of instructions (only in an indirect way) for women what do for a man. Does this ever end?

    As opposed to men and women realizing that if you want to be loved, be loveable. If you want respect and loyalty, be respectful and loyal. Do not expect anyone, especially your mate, to do something you are not prepared to do yourself.

    First things first. If you want your wife to know something, speak to her about it. Like men, women are not psychics and have no special powers about knowing what a man’s innermost thoughts are. If you do not have good communication skills, just as you came to this site online, find out how to improve your speech, vocabulary and become a good or better communicator. Keep in mind that for every shortcoming your wife may have, you probably have 10 that she has learned to tolerate — from poor hygiene and bad table manners to being a narcissitic, self-absorbed person who thinks they are “doing their job” simply because they make salah and go to work everyday.

    As for polygyny being compared to adultery, philandering, and cheating, polygyny is about halal marriage relationships that are NOT secret and hurtful to anyone. If a man is “married” to one wife but no one in his immediate circle knows about it, especially his other wife, then that is considered a form of adultery. There are no secret marriages in Islam. And what does that say about any man or the woman he is the secret marriage with? Muslim men do the right to have up to four wives. But Muslim women, keep in mind, you do have just as much right to NOT be in a polygynous relationship.

    In general, we should all be careful when comparing one culture to another with regard to marriage. There is Islmaic law and customs, the two which may often vary. The quality of life, particular that of women in Yemen and women in the US is like night and day. education, health care, literacy, housing, life expectancy. And as the writer stated, men think about women and if we are honest — sex — all the time. Men get additional wives most often because they want that woman to be his wife. Please give us all a break with the flying carpet concept that has been repeated ad nauseum about men marrying for the “proper reasons”.

    For men who want loving, attentive loyal wives: if you are full of yourself, make promises you do not keep, talk “down” to your wife, view your wife as “the other”, second-class or a problem, or compare her to other women, do not expect to get love, attention or loyalty. If you chose to rely on hadith and Quran to support such poor behavior, there is always the reference that “Paradise lies at the foot of the mother.” Not the husband, the scholar, the imamn, the muhadith, the qari, etc. – the mother. Do you want to make paradise or just talk about it.

    Do not write me off as a man hater. No. I have been happily married for almost 40 years. I am not treated like a queen, but rather an adult with an opinion and a person with feelings. A worker who makes a considerable financial contribution. The person who challenged the doctor who wanted to perform an unnecessary surgical procedure on my husband when he was seriously ill. My husband will claim he is an average guy. I think he is better than most — when he is at his worst.

    1. Hoo boy. Here we go.

      I guess if you consider 35 young, then yes I’m young. And if you consider 14 years of marriage as a short period of time, then so be it. That’s your perspective. I still think 14 years of experience making one marriage work gives me sufficient experience to advise others. Of course, once I’ve been married for 25 years, I will have even more experience. But we’re going to have to wait for that, Inshallah.

      Yes, this article is a long list of things husbands want from their wives because it is an article about things husbands want from their wives. If you want to read an article about things women want from their husbands, then you should read this article.

  82. Marriage 1400 years ago is what marriage is now. If my husband offered me to anyone, there would some kind of serious legal action, along with my male relatives paying the dear man a visit. The reference made has no dalil and is another questionable comment about personal life issues – marriage – that are not the standard. Someone did this. Someone did that. Did the Prophet himself do this or advocate it? I seriously do not think so.

    It is not that many people are anti-polygnists. Most of us are anti-liars, anti-playing games, anti-I want this woman for three months and then another three months later. It appears that Muslim men do more damage to their families in terms of abuse, maligning correct traditions, etc., and as a result, there is a considerable distrust, resentment and friction. When was the last time you heard or read of a Muslim man making some poor wife of his life more miserable? Yesterday? Last week? Now, when was the last time you read or heard of a Musliml wife or daughter desroying the life of her husband and children?

  83. Blogs. Articles. Words. Incorrect or poorly written words as well as blogs or articles not emphasizing “This is MY opinion and might not be correct. I am not an authority and I have no creditials.” create vast problems with everyone, men, women, children. Especially when women are being advised how to live with their husbands.

    This is not “just” a blog, brother. You already have comments that date back two years. And chances a lot of talk among married people — that might not be too pleasant — or may very well be an eye opener to many.

    1. That is your opinion and you are welcome to express it (to a certain extent) on this blog.

      Ummm…I think my writing is pretty outstanding, thank you very much. And I do not think any of the advice I’ve given in this article is either incorrect or poorly written.

      Authority…credentials…I don’t know. I’ve done lots of counselling and I’ve worked with many Muslim couples in my area. So do I have a degree in marriage counseling? No.

      But can I give sound advice to help keep a Muslim couple together and preserve a family’s structure? Yes. I can, and Alhamdulillah, I have.

      It is okay to disagree with my articles or my advice or anything I’ve written. We all have different opinions and different perspectives. But at least try to keep your disagreements limited to one comment. Otherwise, it begins to come off that either I’m a complete idiot or that you have all the answers.

  84. Asalamu alaikum, I would like to contact Abu ibrahim privately with my issue, can I pleaseee get your email Insha’Allah??

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      You can send an email directly to me abu underscore ibrahim at islamic learning materials dot com.

      Or just use the “contact ILM” button at the top of the page.

  85. That sounds quite real–your advice. I am an American married to a Muslim man from Palestine–and sometimes, the cultural differences are difficult to jump over—-certainly being married to an Arab is quite a different relationship than an American….it is a big challenge and sometimes I feel the relationship boils down to hello, goodbye, how are you, do you need anything, okay, I’m going, see you later, or I’m going to rest now—very little actual relationship building…I could believe that he cares and loves me, but that he’s flat out disinterested in me personally—–when he has conversations–well, more than one or two or three comments—it’s all with Arabic male friends. I asked him if he spoke much with his first wife, who is also Palestinian, many years ago, and he said…”not that much…” so, hmmm….it almost seems to me, that once Arab men marry, they expect someone there, but don’t want to be bothered by relationship—or so it seems. They are very cryptic, certainly I would say that…..
    Anyway, it was nice to read your comments on this subject.

    1. Christina, I feel for you. I too am an American (convert) married to an Arab. We have been married just over three years and there is no relationship between us, I am like a live in housekeeper and cook. The only thing my husband ever wants to do together is watch tv. He spends tons of time on the phone with his mother and and sister and I get the few minutes that he is sitting at the table eating. I makes it really had to feel good about yourself when the person who is supposed to spend their life with you doesn’t seem to want anything to do with you. I cry from my loneliness and he will ask if I am okay, when I tell him I am not he says “okay” and walks away. I am at a point that I just want a divorce, I don’t understand what he thinks a marriage is but this is not it. I am sorry for telling you my problems but I needed to get this off my chest and I am anonymous here.

  86. Such a beautiful article. I would always take care of the things said.. Allah please fulfill my dua…
    I have all the faith in you, I know it will be done..

  87. Assalam aleikum,

    This really is a great article- very practical for your ‘fairytale’ stricken girls. I have a question though, what if you follow all the above however your husband decides he wants to go against the intial agreements of marriage (you know when he spoke to my father/uncles before the nikkah etc) and he wants to change certain agreements e.g. he agreed he wont ever force me to wear niqaab and now he’s forcing me, he said he would let me work since i was before marriage and now he says he doesnt want me to. We have a Tv in the house and now he wants it sold etc…. I do everythig you listed above alhamdullilah and now i feel cheated, he has given me an ultimatum that if i do not agree to all of the above we will have to divorce (audhubillah) please assist me on how to deal with this and how to deal with the pre-marital agreements. (technically we havent lived together for 13 months- since we got married, he has visited me twice (we are working on my visa to join him)

    Allah hafiz.

  88. Assalamu alaikum. Many thanks for this enlightening article. Could you advise, if a husband is not employed by choice, and the wife is the sole breadwinner. Would it be wrong for a wife to be disrespectful of the husband? Especially when he abuses her, gets her to do the household chores and expects her to automatically pleasure him every night when he does nothing to recipocrate or initiate the intimacy? Thank you

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      Your husband is certainly being unjust and cruel. But his injustice doesn’t give you the right to be unjust. That’s like saying you can curse someone because they cursed you.

      Personally, I would suggest you try to get either a sheikh or Imam or some male figure that he respects involved to show him that what he’s doing is wrong. If he still doesn’t change, perhaps you should consider divorce.

  89. Assalamu alaikum,
    Thank you for this article it made me think alot about my situation, however I was reading all the comments trying to find a answer for my situation and unfortunally I couldnt. Inshallah you will be able to help me,
    I was born and raised in Brazil, therefore I was catholic and he was christian so when we met we did the girlfriend and boyfriend thing i was a teenager around 16, he was 17 at the time. He went to prison and it was there he learnt about islam and convert when he came out I also did my research and also happly converted alhamdulillah and then we planed to do the right thing and get married but unfortunally we went through some problems he cheated on me alot and he was never home that stage of my life made me go through depression and all other bad things it was then he went back to prison 2years ago and we couldnt get married but then we found a way and now we are married at 20 years old and he is 21 finally. However him being there makes him really insecure even though I’ve always stood by his side and never left him no matter what.
    The problems that I have is that we already spoke about but it doesnt go through him that is hard for me to wear a hijab I do cover dress modesly but the hijab is the hardesnt part for me in islam being Brazilian and having a family whose 100% against me being a muslim specially wearing a hijab, people who doesnt even know what islam is unless they read it on the news makes it really difficult, so I wear it when im comfortable with it
    However he doesnt understand it knowing my family and my background he thinks Im not serious enough therefore I should do it because his my husband but I believe he only wants me to wear it Not because the Quran tells me to but for his own insecurity and everytime he asks if im wearing it im always honest and say a yes or a no even though i know it will make him unhappy about it.
    Im not ready for it inshaAllah I will come around it but its hard for me and the other thing is that im always home so to avoid being depressed I like doing activities like going gym (all womans gym) however he doesnt want me to do so. therefore im no longer at the gym, and other little things that I enjoy doing I stopped because he said so including going mosque, now im doing rolling skating at the park i really like it and it gets me out of the house he didnt have a problem with it until recently he told me not to do that anymore, his always seeing a negative side on everything I do. what can I do about this? he wasnt like this when he was home he always wanted me to take on activities at school to get me out the house I was the one always wanting him to stay at home now he always wants me at home…if Listen to him and be at home all the time it will make me sad speacially that his not here and I dont have children so theres not a lot I can do at home. Finally he tells me Im not Respecting him is that true?
    Sorry for the long text, InshallAllah you can provide me an answer.

  90. Asallamu alleykum.
    I am so glad that i found your article. I have been married for only a year now and can’t talk much about married life except for the fact that it suites me well. I got married at a late stage in my life(38yrs old) and was worried about how i would obey my husband as i went trought most part of my adulthood single and independent. I found the obeying part quite easy but i am constantly trying to change him and this annoys him a lot. I realy try to stop but can’t. subhanallaah. i will print your article and keep it with me and see if that helps me stop.

  91. I married a Muslim man, 3 months ago. Found out that he doesn’t like to kiss, cuddle or just hold me for comfort. He says he only loves Allah. Is it possible for him to love me too without taking away his love from Allah?

    1. Yes it is possible for him to love you and Allah at the same time. I find this behavior kind of strange. And quite frankly, I think he’s running a game on you. Perhaps you should give us more information surrounding the circumstances of your marriage.

  92. Duaa is a powerful weapon in a marriage. If things are going wrong, make duaa for Allaah to fix it. If things are going great, make duaa for Allaah to preserve it. And honestly, the more a couple incorporates Islaam in their lives, the better the marriage turns out. May Allaah bless all the believing men and women in their marriages. Ameen :)

  93. Lololololololollololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol!
    The two you wrote after number 4 was hilarious!
    “Wait don’t just yet unsubscribe” Lol!
    No but seriously why does everybody have such a big problem with this? When I first heard i have to admit I was shocked but not dvestated thank Allak allhumduliallh… No but seriously why? Whats the big deal, ladies?
    Btw, great, hilarious post friend.

    1. Why? Why should I be dutiful to my husband, make myself attractive, cook his meals, raise his kids, clean his house, be obedient towards his wishes, do all of this as aside from going to school or working (as is the case for many women in this century), all while his thoughts wander in interest to another woman. Maybe it is something I do not understand Islamically, since apparently a man is allowed to have 4 wives. I love my religion but I must admit, I hate that little portion. Men abuse it so much nowadays.
      If that ever were the case for my husband though, I would prefer he tells me so I can move on with my life. I will never be married to a man with another wife. EVER. I want a partner in life, a best friend, a soul mate. Someone who will devote everything to his wife (singular) and kids. And I am sure any woman would want the same.

  94. Please clarify on the following points:

    1. What if a Woman calls her Husband to Bed ?

    2. What if a Woman Thinks of another man ?

  95. lol how did I even get to this website?
    anyway, not married but thanks for the heads up. Nothing about this post surprised me, it seems reasonable enough. Ladies, don’t pretend you don’t appreciate some good eye candy when you see it, regardless of if you’re married or not. However, I do think men need to be a bit considerate when their wives just aren’t feeling up to having sex. Women have just as much right to satisfaction as men, don’t make sex a chore for us. You gotta give some to get some.

  96. Interesting Article. Men are the maintainers of women, I would say “in charge” is a bad choice or words. They need to take care not oppress. I have seen so much abuse from other sister’s that my heart hurts. I have been married to my husband almost 4 years. I converted to Islam and the Imam recommended him to me a year later. I will say he is the greatest gift ever given to me by Allah. The respect thing goes both ways. Marriage is never one sided. My husband and I talk for hours every night. He is Egyptian and it did take awhile for him to open up. Women will easily shower their husbands with deep love, we will honor and respect, trust and value their opinions, especially when we also feel desired and appreciated. Some women really do not feel in the mood for whatever reason, but men get this way too. I have been told “not now”, when he is too tired from work. A couple works together as companions, to assist in the helping each other to the afterlife.. InshaAllah, paradise. My husband cooks and cleans, plays with the children. We also are always playing and laughing with each other. I know his deepest fears and his fantasies and he knows mine. We pray together, tell stories of the Prophet(pbuh) together, we help out at the masjid (I teach and he volunteers at the food bank). Are there bad times… of course. However, the greatest value is placed on my family, we both agree not to let shaytan win. We had cultural issues, but now we have pushed those aside. We discuss and not assume. and my husband says he loves me everyday, more than once.

    1. As-Salaamu Alaikum,

      Yeah, perhaps “in charge of” is a poor choice of words. What can I say; it’s a blog, not a thesis paper.

      While this article may seem one-sided, please keep in mind that that is what is what meant to be. This wasn’t an article about husbands and wives duties to each other.

      It was an article specifically informing women of certain things most Muslim men don’t share with them.

      I have written another article giving the same advice to men from the women’s point of view.

      Thank you for sharing your story of your marriage. It is always refreshing to hear of happy, stable Muslim marriages on this page.

      Jazakallah Khair.

  97. Thanks for the article.

    I’m 29 and never been married. Right now i really, really desire to have a husband. Please make dua for all single muslims who are in need of a spouse.

  98. I think number 4. Men thinking about other women is an unnecessary “fact”, and actually adding fuel to the fire for women wanting to learn how to be better wives to their husbands. It is an obvious statement, we all think about the opposite gender at least once in our lives. You know what is another fact I have learned in my human sexuality class, that 1 out of 3 men by the age of 50 have encountered sexual thoughts/relations with another male. Maybe that is something you can add to number 4. Of course this us embarrassing and no one wants to know that but this is a fact.

      1. Otherwise, good article. Love your blog.
        No woman who wants to improve things with her husband (obviously that’s what led her to reading this article), wants to read about another woman or second wife or whatever.. if anything, that will do the total opposite of helping.

  99. SalaamWalaikkum

    Hi. Have question for this after husband marry second wive must he tell first wive he marry another woman?

    Can husband hide.his second wive and not tell first wive he marry again now? Man have 6 childs with first wive why men do.that

    1. Wa Alaikum Salaam,

      Without being fully aware of the situation from both sides, it would be unfair for me to pass judgement on your husband.

      But just based on what info you’ve provided, your husband does not have to tell you he’s taking a second wife.

      Of course, that would be the wiser thing to do, but just hiding it from you is not sinful in and of itself.

      Once again, without more info, it is difficult to give a full analysis of the situation.

      May Allah make it easy for you both and give you and your husband the best in this life and the next.

  100. salam alikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatoho..
    then what can i do if… My husband shows that he loves me.. and i try to plese him when he want..and i show him almost always respect… i dont ignore him… and he says always..i am the best wife from the wifes he had.. and he never ever want to replace me… i am older than him.. and i understand if he want to marry another wife..now… this is the problem – he speaks with other womans on the internet.. in a not hala way.. not only one.. i mean many..many woman… he knows i know this.. and he always “clean” the computer when he has been on internet.. i told him to repent to Allah.. but yet..he comes back to the sin again and again and again.. i know allso that he has been mastubateing infront of the webcamera..and had contacts of womans who did the same…
    …….i forgive him.. i try to make him remember Allah again and again.. and remind him to make tawba.. but stil shaytaan sheets on him… is it halal for me to continue with him? or.. if i have sabr with him? and i continue be his wife… to continue to remind him… about the deen and Allah.. coz.. i give him his respect to him always..so i know he love me.. yast his nefs is week and trapped in shaytans way. Allah mostaen..
    your sister

  101. This article took the words out of my mouth. Jazaks brother for speaking honestly, yet being very respectfully. For everyone arguing the fiqh of polygamy and the misogyny of this article, they can argue all they want, it doesn’t change the reality. This is how Muslim men feel. Right, wrong, haram, halal, you cant argue with “feelings”. If we want to have successful relationships, we need to deal in realities, not what you perceive to be ideals. As long as women fight realities, they will have problems in their reltionships, or good luck finding the exceptions to the rule… Even what you think is exceptions, it’s going to hurt when you come to the reality that those exceptions did their best, but ended up falling in line with the standards. Allah is just, he knows his creations the best, the rules and allowances are there for a reason… “You’re not like the Prophet, so you cant do what he did” i guess we dont have to pray 5 times a day and we can eat pork since we’re so weak. I guess combining/shortening prayers, and even marriage I guess is not for such weak willed normal humans…

  102. Jazak Allah, a very sweet article indeed. I do have a request though, please post something for men as well. I have read several articles on women’s duties in marriage. We need more articles on men’s duties as well. Not that there are none but not as many as we have for women. The hadith about sex ‘men’s physical need’ has been mentioned in several places but only in few places I have read about how men should respect women’s sexual desires. Apologies for using an open language but less then fives minutes of banging a women frequently, does not do any justice towards her sexual desires. There are etiquettes in sex that men need to have for their wives as well.Otherwise, the sex becomes nothing but just a duty for a woman with no desire. This is a very important aspect of marital life that we need to address. For a happy fulfilled life it is important that both our women and men are educated about their duties. Sex should be a shared element not just a duty of one gender. If it is women’s duty to keep their husband’s happy then it is men’s duty to keep their wives happy as well. Not just by being a bread winner but also by fulfilling her desires as taught in Islam.


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